getting the ex back and getting him to stay!

[parisa]

Hey! This is my first post! I can't really talk to anyone in "reality" about this as me and my ex share all the same friends, and my other friends and family think of me to be quite the strong minded one, so the advice I usually get is, go out, move on since my own philosophy in life is, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'd like to share this story, firstly for advice, and secondly to pass on some advice myself.

Where do I start? I met a lovely boy at the beginning of university about two years ago. Till then, I had been very independent and lived by boys come and go like seasons! I had never planned to fall for him and it terrified me. We hit it off straight away and immediately became serious. We were complete opposites. I was the grade A student, fairly religious, non drinking, never a kissed a boy kind of girl. But on the flipside, I did modelling and cheerleading on the side of my studies. He was under the impression that I was "that" kind of girl, because I was very sociabale, bubbly and dubbed a "c*ck tease" by my friends. It didn't take him long to realise how appearances could be deceiving, and initially I thought it would frighten him as he was a real lad's lad only looking for no strings attached fun.

To my surprise, he fell for me. Accepted a sexless relationship, told him family, and treated me like a queen. Everyday I would wake up to the line "what did I ever do to deserve you". I can honestly say he did and said no wrong by me.

Unfortunately and regrettably i was a bit of a bitch. Looking back I don't even know why. Probably arrogance, maybe fear, maybe confusion. I don't know. This was my first serious relationship. I never told him I loved him, and I told him if he ever told me, I'd leave. I was horrible, and he was amazing. He put me on such a pedestal.

Long story short, I was high maintenance, spolit, brat, immature and totally self-centered. Don't get me wrong, I did nice things to because I did love him. I told my family too, and marriage was a hot topic, as we're both religious. The nice things I did faded next to the things he did for me. So about a year and a half in (3 months ago) he broke up with me. I could see it was coming. He'd changed, he became tired, grumpy, looking for a fight. Qualities I had never ever seen in him. It got to a point where I completely lost my independence and became so needy and controlling.

When he broke up wit me, he cried, he's not a crier. Like a rock, i sat there comforting him, telling him how I was ok with it and how this is good for him as he needs to be happy. His reasons were that he's just tired of the relationship. To this day I haven't cried.

Since then we've seen each other a lot. For the first month, we had drama, he'd cry, he'd shout at me. I was going through a self-destruct phase, playing every game I could. We would drive each other insane. We had a few relapses.

The second month was the oddest. I thought he deserved to know that I did love him, so I told him. I was met with, i loved you so much, i would've laid by your feet and died for you but your actions forced me to take back all my love. he said the damage was done and he didn't know whether he could trust me ever again with his heart. Again, I didn't cry. I got close to people he disliked (not deliberately) and lived my own life. For about 3 days. Then came the accusations. He didn't understand how I could say I love him and then not talk to him for 3 days. I told him because he didn't love me, and that I wouldn't waste away my life for someone who doesn't want me.

Ever since, we have gradually built it up. After talking we've decided to let things go naturally. And so far they've gone good. We attend the same university but I'v moved back home in a different city to revise there, so I see him less, but we have a lot of nights where it's like old times. I know he cares about me, granted, not like before, but I'm sure he does. I also know he enjoys being single. Not dating other girls because he's never been into that anyway, but he enjoys being with his friends a lot more. Coincidentally, they're all miserable boys who have come out of serious relationships (before he became single!).

Basically my dilemma is this: in order to get him back, I need to him show him that I've realised my mistakes and I'm not scared to show him I love him anymore. I'm usually the kind of person who can't stand relationships and he knows this. I know I have to make up for my actions, but on the other hand, I don't want him to get so used to this casual thing we have right now that I lose my value. I don't want to be "that girl" and I want to be "the one".

What's the balance? How likely do you think it is that he can learn to forgive me and trust to be with me again? I'm investing so much emotionally in this, and I couldn't bear to have my heart broken again.

Sorry for the long post, if you did manage to keep awake and read it, I could so with some hope and some good advice! I know a lot of people would think the best thing to do is to move on, but I have thought about that option. I'm not acting on a hot head or blind love. I see his flaws, I see my own and for once in my life I want to take a risk!

Lots and lots of love,
Paris

[Gigabitch]

You went a long way down the wrong road, Paris. It's going to take quite some time to come back. Ultimately, this is all a good thing. He was mad about you before, but it wasn't the real kind of love that people build lives on- it was that crazy, young infatuation that fades. Now you have an opportunity to slowly build up to the other kind of love, the kind that grows like a tree instead of exploding like a firecracker.

Lucky you.

What you have to do is be steady, steady, steady. Don't jerk him around EVER again. Trust is fragile.

[Lonely Island]

You burned the bridge and its time to rebuild it stronger than ever

[parisa]

he's obviously very weary of me.... he has self-esteem issues so if I back off and give him space he's like, now that's why I don't believe you love me.... but if I show him I care, I feel like I'm chasing him and smothering him, and I don't want to push him away. he's already made it clear he wants things to go slowly and naturally (nothing forced). We literally met and got into a relationship. What's the perfect day to day balance? We're used to everyday contact. For the past couple of days we haven't contacted each other, we both have exams in a few days. It's like being back in high school! Do I text him, do I leave him till he contacts me? I've never been in this situation. I don't mind hard work, because he's worth it, but I don't even know where to begin. I'm so disappointed in myself for not knowing how to treat someone I love!

[elektra]

You took this young man for granted and broke his heart, but if he truly loved you before it is not impossible for him to love you again. You said you are letting things progress naturally and things are going well, so why does there have to be a "balance" ?

If you want to be his girlfriend and not just a friend, you need to make that clear to him. Tell him you will do whatever it takes and give him the time he needs. As far as, "but if I show him I care, I feel like I'm chasing him and smothering him, and I don't want to push him away. " playing those games is what got you in trouble in the first place.

All he ever wanted was your love and attention....I don't think giving him those things are going to push him away.

[IanReynolds]

Sleep with him.

[parisa]

lol no, i don't think that would be a good idea.

it's just that no contact comes so naturally to me, when I get hurt I just cut the other person out, it's so much easier. it's so painful to keep trying and getting nothing back. right now i'm the only one initiating contact and that hurts my pride a little and when i ask him about it, he says "why should i always be the one saying hi first?" i understand i have to just be myself now and quit playing games but i don't want him to get so comfortable with my affection that'll he'll just quit trying and not move our relationship forward.

[IanReynolds]

It doesn't seem to come natural to him though, and the best way to show him you care is to sleep with him.

[parisa]

i'm fairly religious so that's not an option.