Relationship/Psychological problems, any comments welcome!

[HaydenAndClaire]

Hey, we're Hayden and Claire, 20 years old from the Midlands, UK.

We have been together since December 9th, '08, and have relationship troubles.

We've each been in relationships before and we both feel a lot differently about this one and are adamant it will work. We're not willing to let the standard troubles every relationship has make us give up.

Firstly we'll talk about Claire, she has had a very troubled past, having a lot of anxiety and relationship issues. She has been in a lot of relationships with unfaithful people and her last serious one was filled with emotional abuse and was ended (by him) a couple of months after she found out (around the same time as her abortion) that he had cheated on her with his ex. Obviously, because of this, she has a lot of insecurity issues, etc.

And now Hayden, he has had (relative to Claire) an easy past, with only a few relationships, and having no unfaithfulness in any. He did however have an ex start a relationship with one of his best friends after they broke up, which added to the anxiety, depression, psychosis and other pshychological problems he already had from the doubts he was having while in the relationship.

Neither of us have been unfaithful in past relationships, and we both have rationality when it comes to "if you want to cheat on someone, you're not happy, so why be in the relationship?"

Also, Claire is using the contraceptive injection, Depo Provera, which has an unusual amount of side effects that mirror pregnancy, so pregnancy scares are on a monthly basis, which, with the effects of the abortion still affecting her, does not help things.

The troubles that have surfaced have the consequence of constant fighting, depression, insecurities, and a general feeling of helplessness.

We recently went to a councelor and discussed some problems. The list of Claire's symptoms are:

• Separation anxiety
• Relationship insecurities
• Paranoia (about people laughing at her in the street etc)
• Mood swings
• Inability to trust
• Inability to accept compliments
• Low self esteem
• Sinking anxiety feeling
• Making mountains out of molehills
• Inappropriate fear of loss or separation
• Inability to rationalise
• Inability to move on from past

The troubles are affecting both our daily lives, as we spend almost 100% of the time together.

We feel like we're missing some things, so if we think of more to add, we'll add with a reply.

Any help, suggestions, comments or anything is greatly appreciated.

Thanks

x

[vashti]

I kind of object to the posting of an actual list of Claire's issues. Personally, it seems to me that water seeks its own level, and if you are attracted to her (Hayden), you are probably equally flawed.

That said, this relationship is only a few months old. If things aren't working for you this early in to the game, it is extremely unlikely to be a match made in heaven. It seems ridiculous to go into couples counseling at this point when the more obvious solution is to accept that you two may not be a match.

why are you trying to force a square peg into a round hole?

[Gigabitch]

... as we spend almost 100% of the time together.

This should have been listed as one of your relationship problems as well.

Okay, first of all, if Claire is using Depo, why is there a "pregnancy scare" once a month. It's an irregular menstrual period, for God's sake. Why look for trouble when you already have plenty?

Hayden, are you taking anti-psychotic drugs? Just what do you mean by "psychosis"? Is Claire safe around you? Are you a danger to yourself and others?

Look, I understand that you think you're a special couple, but you WILL be plagued by the same relationship troubles the rest of us endure, and yes, they may spell the end, regardless of your commitment to rise above it all.

Can you please list five reasons why you think you have any chance at all? All I'm seeing is doom, here.

[HaydenAndClaire]

But if we're equally flawed, how is anyone to say we're not a match when those flaws in ourselves are resolved?

The problems are obviously temporary psychological, and not just 'how we are', and we know that 'how we are' is how we want it, which is why we would like to fix the flaws, because we know underneath it all is what we want in each other.

By the way, it's not couples counceling, it's Claire seeking help for herself about her low self esteem, insecurities etc. I too have an appointment with a seperate counceler for my own flaws.

Also, what we should have mentioned was that the main reason problems have been occurring is because of the year anniversary of the abortion and other issues that happened around that time.

Sorry if we seem defensive, we've just never been ones for giving up when things get hard, especially when we know it's something worth waiting for, because of how it was before the problems and half of the time nowadays (which is why we know they're not hard-wired into us).

Thanks for the reply! Like we said, any comments are great.

x

[alovehangoverr]

But if we're equally flawed, how is anyone to say we're not a match when those flaws in ourselves are resolved?

The problems are obviously temporary psychological, and not just 'how we are', and we know that 'how we are' is how we want it, which is why we would like to fix the flaws, because we know underneath it all is what we want in each other.

By the way, it's not couples counceling, it's Claire seeking help for herself about her low self esteem, insecurities etc. I too have an appointment with a seperate counceler for my own flaws.

Also, what we should have mentioned was that the main reason problems have been occurring is because of the year anniversary of the abortion and other issues that happened around that time.

Sorry if we seem defensive, we've just never been ones for giving up when things get hard, especially when we know it's something worth waiting for, because of how it was before the problems and half of the time nowadays (which is why we know they're not hard-wired into us).

Thanks for the reply! Like we said, any comments are great.

x

Temporarily psychological?

Ok, it's time to be realistic here-- an abortion and past abuse and unfaithfulness-- aren't "temporary." People can struggle with these insecurities/anxiety/depression for the rest of their lives.

If the bulk of it rests on Claires shoulders.. she needs to work on herself and her issues before trying to committ to a relationship with someone who has his own issues to work through. You can't love someone else until you love yourself-- cliche? Maybe. True? Absolutely.

This relationship is very new-- trying to make it work when you both have serious issues [Claire especially] to deal with/accept/sort out is fairly ridiculous. I understand it's not "what you want," and you just "have to be together," -- but don't you both want to be healthy before giving this an honest go?

Honestly, this has very little to do with "giving up when things get rough," and more to do with being logical about the situation. Does that mean you have to give up? No. But why not take the time apart [because also-- spending 100% of your time together is UNHEATLHY and can lead to serious dependency issues, especially given the insecurities already involved] work on yourself, then try a relationship?

ETA: And the pregnancy scares? Seriously? Switch birth controls. You don't need that stress and anxiety added to the situation.

[HaydenAndClaire]

Okay, first of all, if Claire is using Depo, why is there a "pregnancy scare" once a month. It's an irregular menstrual period, for God's sake. Why look for trouble when you already have plenty?

I don't really understand..

It's not just an irregular one, it's not there at all. There are a hell of a lot of symptoms of pregnancy going on, some which are just weird to have if you're not pregnant. So while we're 20, have no way of telling if she is pregnant but tests (people have gotten false negatives while using Depo), we are just being careful. But needless to say, this 'being careful', while a mature thing to do, can mess with our emotions.

Hayden, are you taking anti-psychotic drugs? Just what do you mean by "psychosis"? Is Claire safe around you? Are you a danger to yourself and others?

The psychosis was something small triggered a long time ago by the Generalized Anxiety Disorder I had. Small amounts of it along with depression go hand in hand with anxiety. It's something I'm happy to say I've gotten over and everything is fine, thanks for asking

As we're saying, every relationship has problems, and yes, we're going to continue to battle through the problems, because we know it's worth it. We're not 13 year old school kids that think they're in love, even though we know there is no way to prove that just using text.

Any other constructive comments are still great!

x

[HaydenAndClaire]

As you can tell by now, we're not willing to give up or break up or anything you want to call it, and we were actually looking for ways to help ourselves while still in the relationship, instead of "this is doomed" when someones read a couple of paragraphs about the entire relationship.

So again, constructive comments to the question "how can we lift some of our problems while maintaining the relationship?" are great!

x

[alovehangoverr]

As you can tell by now, we're not willing to give up or break up or anything you want to call it, and we were actually looking for ways to help ourselves while still in the relationship, instead of "this is doomed" when someones read a couple of paragraphs about the entire relationship.

So again, constructive comments to the question "how can we lift some of our problems while maintaining the relationship?" are great!

x

Sorry, I can't humor you about your situation.

I don't see what the issue would be for you two to split up, work through your personal issues [because again, realistically-- her issues have NOTHING to do with you.. and until she's sorted them out she's not going to be able to avoid bringing her insecurities into the relationship], and then give things a go when you're both more stable. Trying to work on a relationship when you need to work on yourselves seems a bit backwards to me.

[vashti]

Well, I can help you with the "pregnancy scares". Birth control hormones are well-known to mimic the symptoms of pregnancy, so you two can just relax about that. have her call her doctor if her symptoms are bothersome.

As for the rest - eh... I'm not one for making heroic efforts to save a new relationship, especially with two people who need to address their emotional troubles before they can form a healthy one.

[Cain]

I don't think that someone with psychological problems such as extreme anxiety or depression should even be in a relationship. It puts too much stress on it from the very beginning and makes it more difficult to manage.

There's no magical cure here. Your psychological problems are likely going to take years to fix and I don't see this relationship lasting that long. Even if it did, it would be so damaged in the next couple of years that it won't be healthy any longer.

I've noticed that a lot of people find someone that they can't picture being without even if they aren't a match. They don't think they'll find someone better even if they just aren't compatible. Personally, I think someone with psychological problems isn't compatible.