Do i bring "the subject" up again or let it be? help =[

[LoneWolfie]

Hello i need some help with an issue.

About 8 months ago my GF and i were talking about how to handle arguments. She asked me "can you promise me not to walk out on me without resolving the arguement?" to which i replied "Yes i promise, i want to talk things out."

For my GF, promises are sacred, break a promise and you are dumped. Every BF she had was dumped after breaking a promise. I also consider promises to be something you just dont break, although if its an accident i can understand and accept that perfectly.

So the other day she was giving a male friend of hers alot of attention, like she had been doing for several days, leaving me feeling jealous (its an issue im working on) and neglected. I got upset when she went to do something with this male friend i thought she wanted to do with me. And i went for a walk without telling her, i wanted to calm down and inform her afterwards that i was feeling upset with her.

When i came back and started talking to her however she was upset with me for ignoring her, walking out and breaking the promise i made.
I apoligised and she eventually forgave me but said it would take time before she could believe any promises i would make. The following day we also talked about it and i was guilt ridden with the thought of hurting her.

The ironic part is that i wanted to prevent her getting upset by getting away and letting the jealousy fade so i would not act like a jackass. I should have informed her i was going to take a walk, but i was grumpy and my jealousy made me think "ah she's too busy talking to the other guy anyway."

Now its two days after the 'incident' and i realised the reason why i walked out without thinking about the promise i made. The promise was about not storming out during an arguement, i was trying to prevent my jealousy causing an argument, i didnt want to upset her. And so i wasnt in an arguement at the time.

I talked to her about why i did what i did. But she doesnt seem to want to hear any more of it. For her its simple, i broke a promise. Only now, two days later, do i recall the actual promise i made and realize what caused me to walk out. I feel now that i did not break any promise and should be cleared of blame. But coming up with this so late, after we had decided we were "done with the subject" is probably too late. She doesnt like it when i keep trying to 'explain myself' or 'come up with excuses'.


So in short: do i bring up the issue again and risk causing a major relationship problem while trying to clear my name, or just accept the damage done, swallow my pride and move on like she said she wants to?

[vashti]

That was not a smart promise to make, and I think if I were you, I would undo it. What happens if you are arguing to the point where one of you NEEDS to walk away to prevent violence or aggression?

And I agree you didn't break the promise.

I think your bigger issue is that your girlfriend sounds controlling.

[misombra]

yeah. she sounds like a dramatic little girl.

[Rollerderby]

Yeah, hell, if you need time to cool off, do it. People respond to things differently. She can't control how you deal with things. She sounds like she wants to by making you make promises. I would back way off from telling her you will definitely do/not do something that you might not be able to.

Promises that are unbreakable shouldn't be made so lightly.

"Hon, promise me, you'll get milk on the way home."
"OK." You end up forgetting.
"RAWR!!!!!!"

[LoneWolfie]

Well i have decided to let it rest, and move on like she says she wants to. And from now on not make any more promises to her unless we have discussed what boundaries the promise will have and im 100% certain i can keep the promise. That way i hope we can avoid repeating this disaster. In Rollerderby's example i would tell her ill try to remember getting milk on the way home. Knowing her she will respect that im not making promises, but merely try my best because i dont want to hurt her.



Should she bring up the subject again i will tell her that i took a walk to prevent her from getting hurt and that when i made the decision i didnt feel as though i was breaking any promises as we were not argueing. And that im sad she doesnt seem to take into account i was just trying to prevent my issues from causing damage to us. That she was being black/white about it.



Dispite this issue, i believe she is worth staying with. Im certainly not the kind of guy that leaves a otherwise comforting relationship because she has a few issues.

[LoneWolfie]

Well she came home still pissed today. So we talked about it again, her assuming a 'passive aggressive' stance.



When i told her the promise i made was about not storming out during an arguement and that i didnt storm out but went for a relaxing walk she replied with: "it seems you didnt break a promise." "if thats what the chatlog says then i must have remembered the details wrong" (note: the promise was made when i was talking to her on MSN one night, the chatlog she refers to is on my old computer.)



However she also said that me going out without telling her and not inmediately talking to her when i got back made her feel as though i was ignoring her and that i should not have done that, promise or not. So it seems atm she is still determined to be upset with me.



A friend of mine adviced me to give it more time and let it fade away. Is that the best thing to do atm? She gets pissed just thinking about it or if i bring it up again.

[alovehangoverr]

Well she came home still pissed today. So we talked about it again, her assuming a 'passive aggressive' stance.



When i told her the promise i made was about not storming out during an arguement and that i didnt storm out but went for a relaxing walk she replied with: "it seems you didnt break a promise." "if thats what the chatlog says then i must have remembered the details wrong" (note: the promise was made when i was talking to her on MSN one night, the chatlog she refers to is on my old computer.)



However she also said that me going out without telling her and not inmediately talking to her when i got back made her feel as though i was ignoring her and that i should not have done that, promise or not. So it seems atm she is still determined to be upset with me.



A friend of mine adviced me to give it more time and let it fade away. Is that the best thing to do atm? She gets pissed just thinking about it or if i bring it up again.

You didn't break a promise-- going on a walk to calm down and walking out during an argument are two different things.

As for her behavior.. it sounds like she's trying to blameshift here. It sounds like you might have a legitimate reason to feel neglected/jealous/etc and instead of addressing that she automatically made YOU the guilty party and is upset with YOU when it should be the other way around.

It really seems like she's deflecting what she's doing by making you the problem. Like you said-- she seems determined to be upset with you.. Now it's time ask WHY that is.

[NeverBeenNLuvB4]

You got to man up & be a little tough on her. Show her who's the man in the relationship. Tell her straight up to just let it go. No point to keep dwelling on this issue. This girl sounds a bit childish. Anyone with half a brain should be able to tell the difference between what you did.

[Rollerderby]

^^^^^ I totally agree. This is a retarded argument. No winners here, better to just get the f*ck over it.

[IndiReloaded]

Search for an article on how to argue productively. That rule is a stupid one, for all the reasons mentioned. Your GF needs to mature and you need to not be so afraid of her. So she breaks up with you b/c you want to be reasonable? That would only make her a bullet dodged, you know.

[Mish]

Search for an article on how to argue productively. That rule is a stupid one, for all the reasons mentioned. Your GF needs to mature and you need to not be so afraid of her. So she breaks up with you b/c you want to be reasonable? That would only make her a bullet dodged, you know.

If only more people could think this way. But somehow at some stage people's whole self image gets tied up into perception of their SOs and they will do close to anything as not to encounter their wrath and be told that they are liked by this 'higher power'.

[rediahata]

Rediahata's here....

LoneWolfie.. You're not a jackass.. You react to some action that within normal parameter.. The issue is that you not discuss and solve the problem with her but you walked out instead. Its Normal.

My solution for you is: Go to her residence, insist to met her in any way possible. Say you want to talk with her in cozy basis without have anything that she need to decide about your relationship with her.

Say that you ask her to position her self in your. Say to her "what about if you are on my position? I think you can understand that im just human hat not perfect in this matter and i need you to complete my weak side about this matter. Not mean to break our promise, but please help me to understand you better and make me to be able to not break our promise again. Please Lead me."

Okay, if you want to succeed with this way, you must:
Put aside your self esteem and ego.

Remember: In Love.. Nobody wins or looses. If you win, nobody give you a crown. If you looses, nobody give you mockery.

Its not a competition. Its a pure pleasure of Human being to get involve in romance that will lead to marriage. Okay happy trying it [ Hopefully... ] i will soon create my website to dealing issues like this. Just wish me luck.

Regards