a mess w/ kids that are not mine.

[turbo240]

hey guys,ive lost it all here and need some insight on some things.
ok,ill try n make this short and to the point. my girlfriend/fiancee split up w/ me back in feb. we lived together for 3 years and been together for 4.i have a 12 year old boy and she has 2 that are 7 and 13.when we got together they were 2 1/2 ,,,8 and 9.we met at the football practice for the 8 and 9 year olds that year.we dated for a year and then moved in together and created this beautiful family.it went great till about 6-8 months ago.i saw it coming and didn't realize how much things meant to me.you know how u know something needs to change or somethings amiss but u just let things happen and regret in the end. in other words i feel that i didn't invest in my relationship here lately and now realize how much i love her and the boys.ive tried everything toge her back,,she claims she still loves me but she is not"in love" with me.i hate that "in love " thing cuz love is a choice and not a feeling i believe.u choose to love someone,,,,to except the good w/ the bad.its a choice!!!anyway,,,she has said she needs time and has and still does things that tell me she loves me. in mar. we got rid of the house and got are own places.
this is where it gets really bad.
neither of her boys had a dad really.the older boy that was 8 at the time we got together has a father that sees him maybe 2 -3 times a year and has his parents pay a minimal amount of ch sup.
the younger boy that was 2 1/2 when we got together has a father that has 5 other kids and in /out of jail so on and so on and has never been in the boys life.never paid any ch sup.
when i showed up we all clicked,, the boys fell in love w/ me and vise versa as did i.expessially the younger boy and myself !!!! i love him to death!!
now,,,,,ive been devastated by all this and am spent emotionally and my spirit is worked.i trying to give her time right now and space.
this is the thing!!!i want to be together...i feel she is the one and i can unconditionally love her and the boys as i have.but,,,,,if we dont get back together i dont know if i can keep seeing the boys.ive seen them a couple times a week since the break up.my boy and them feel like brothers and we go to mcd's or parks or my apt. and hang out.her and i had an arguement about this last week and she wants me to keep seeing them and cried becuase i said if there is no chance for us in the future how can i keep those boys in my life!!!!i am torn between this!!!!!!!!! if we reconcile,,, great,,itll be fine . but if we dont and she gets another man and he is good enough to be living w/ her and the boys where does that leave me!?!?and how would that guy feel about it !?!?ie, drama.
im in need of some time now myself and am trying to stay away for 2 weeks,,,,no her ,,no boys.i love those boys w/ all my heart but at the same time if we all cant be a family ever again i dont know if i can really be their dad.
help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[turbo240]

bump for advise on what to do about the kids!!!!!!!

[vashti]

Oh my god!!! You were a father to those boys for the majority of their conscious lives. How can you even THINK of not continuing a relationship with them? Are you really so selfish?

[turbo240]

yea,,,,,,,,,its reallly inevitable.we live 2 miles from each other.i just need time right now but im sure ill get them in due time.i miss them!but i dont want contact w/ her.
time will tell.....

[Tug]

Oh my god!!! You were a father to those boys for the majority of their conscious lives. How can you even THINK of not continuing a relationship with them? Are you really so selfish?

I dont agree, those aren't your kids those are her kids and her responsibility. What happens if you stick it out and become the father the boys never had than all of a sudden your ex GF starts dating another man? They become involved, now all of a sudden your no longer the father figure but rather a baby sitter.

Also, you cant hold those kids hostage and say "we'll if you want me in the boys life we need to keep seeing each other". Doesn't work that way, you have your own place she has hers. Sooner or later because of the physical distance that was brought on due to the move your going to have to let go and move on.

[IndiReloaded]

I dont agree, those aren't your kids those are her kids and her responsibility. What happens if you stick it out and become the father the boys never had than all of a sudden your ex GF starts dating another man? They become involved, now all of a sudden your no longer the father figure but rather a baby sitter.

Also, you cant hold those kids hostage and say "we'll if you want me in the boys life we need to keep seeing each other". Doesn't work that way, you have your own place she has hers. Sooner or later because of the physical distance that was brought on due to the move your going to have to let go and move on.

You don't have children Tug, this is obvious.

It will largely be up to the mother if you stay in those kids lives, Turbo. You should try to stay connected, somehow, assuming you care. Think of yourself like a benevolent uncle or something & act accordingly.

It is true, tho, you aren't their father (unless you adopted them?). So you should be prepared for another guy to step up to that role if you don't stay together.

Good luck. Blended families are a challenge, for sure.

[turbo240]

I dont agree, those aren't your kids those are her kids and her responsibility. What happens if you stick it out and become the father the boys never had than all of a sudden your ex GF starts dating another man? They become involved, now all of a sudden your no longer the father figure but rather a baby sitter.

Also, you cant hold those kids hostage and say "we'll if you want me in the boys life we need to keep seeing each other". Doesn't work that way, you have your own place she has hers. Sooner or later because of the physical distance that was brought on due to the move your going to have to let go and move on.

i know!!^^ to the first paragragh......that i guess is the selfish side of me thinking of me in the long run.family has also been telling me that they are not mine and what u said.

yea, i love those kids! and that is the way it feels right now cuz the break up is still fresh and seeing her rekindles the hope.its really not like that though,,, i want to be in their lives,,,so does she.idk but your 2 post are really inevitable.....

[turbo240]

You don't have children Tug, this is obvious.

It will largely be up to the mother if you stay in those kids lives, Turbo. You should try to stay connected, somehow, assuming you care. Think of yourself like a benevolent uncle or something & act accordingly.

It is true, tho, you aren't their father (unless you adopted them?). So you should be prepared for another guy to step up to that role if you don't stay together.

Good luck. Blended families are a challenge, for sure.

ohhhh, i do! it kills me inside anytime i see them.and they ask me "when are we gonna come over,stay the night,see Spencer(my biological).especially with the little one(elijah).she wants them to be in my life!!!! she cried when her bf and my friend told her that i said idk if i can see the boys anymore.i really do care,, hell i supported them for 3 years,studied with them,baseball games,band,fishing,park,tag at the house,beach.i deeply bonded with those 2.

there was talk about a year ago for me to adopt elijah the youngest, but that's it..he is the one that has no biological dad the other boy tyler has a biological dad but only sees him like 3 times a year.so that leaves ejilah w/ no dad if i don't see him.............uhhhhhhhh.......
friends tell me that no other guy is gonna do what i did for her and the kids,nor put up with stuff like i did.

im gonna give it some time i think and let my feelings totally subside and maybe even move on and see someone else that way i can really go get them and spend time whtm for them and me and not in hopes of reconciling w/ her