I need some advice on my relationship...please help

[starsinthesky]

I have never been on one of these things before, but I am so frustrated/upset with my situation I really would like some advice, tips.

I have been dating a guy for about 9 months now, and have been living with him since January. Slowly, but surely, our relationship has been getting, in my opinion, worse. I feel like I am some kind of disease....he won't show any affection, and when I try, he just pulls away. I don't know what I am doing wrong...but it hurts me more and more every day and I am really beginning to think that I should end things, although I love him with my whole heart. I was in his shoes a few years ago with my ex...I didn't want to do anything with him, and kept pushing him away, and finally broke up with him because I didn't trust myself and ended up getting drunk and kissing one of my guy friends...luckily that was all but I know it still hurt him when I told him what happened and that things needed to end because I did not trust myself.

I just dont understand. I now know how my ex felt when I did this to him...Im 23 years old....I'm young and want affection in my relationship. Sometimes I go days without any hugs, kisses, exc from him, and have gone 8 days now without sex, and there have been longer periods too.

I just don't want to get cheated on, nor do I want to get to the point where i feel like I might do that too. I have talked to him about this, but everytime I bring it up he gets defensive and says I am talking crazy, and we get into this huge fight. But yet he says if I weren't in his life, he wouldn't have anything really that makes him happy. Emotionally I am defeated right now and I don't know what else to do. If anyone can help, I would greatly appreciate it.

[alovehangoverr]

Well, how exactly do your talks go with him about this issue?

[starsinthesky]

Well, when he usually rejects me, I just ask him whats up, and that I don't understand why he is acting the way he is, then he proceeds to say I'm talking crazy and that nothing is wrong. Then he ends it, or we get into an argument. Last time we had this talk I told him I was sexually frustrated with him because he would rather watch porn to get himself off than even try anything with me to which he said that porn means nothing to him and its so much better with me. But then I ask then why wont he with me then. Then again he says I am talking "crazy talk", and then that usually gets me angry and last time I said I was getting tired of getting myself off because relationships are supposed to be somewhat romantic...then he said something like I am boring or I wont do what he wants me to do. But how can I when he always rejects me and makes me feel like I am unwanted?

[MzConfused]

This is a tricky one. I would say try and give him space but it seems that that's all you lot have been doing. It sounds as though there's a secret.

Now I'm not trying to get you paranoid or anything but I'm trying to think of any possible suggestions. This is similar to something my ex-boyfriend to me, just a sudden relationship change from really great to really impossible to figure out.

Why is he being defensive? He should show you affection because you're his girl and if he has a problem he should tell you straight up, right? Talk to him and if he gets defensive then still continue.

It's more likely that if anything is being hidden, it will come out in an argument anyway and if the relationship does end then maybe it's supposed to be because there shouldn't be secrets and he should want to be with you and show love and affection to you.

Good Luck Babe

&& ii Hope i helped.x.x

[starsinthesky]

Thank you, and you did help. I agree...relationships are supposed to be affectionate. Next time the issue comes up I will just have to keep my guard up and not back down I guess...thats all I can do. I just don't understand where it all went wrong. Things were great and then suddenly it all changed, just like you said in your past relationship.

[NBT]

If your man is watching porn over being with you, he's not attracted to you anymore. Point blank. Period.

The reasons your man has given you for no longer being interested in having sex with you don't hold water. He claims that you won't do the things he wants you to do in bed. But that's bullshit. Why? Because when you questioned him on how you CAN do what he wants you to do, instead of TELLING you how, or EXPLAINING what he wants, he just says you're talking crazy. How is it "crazy" to ask him what he wants? How is it "crazy" to want your boyfriend to show you affection? It's NOT.

What I WILL say, is that as bad as this is for YOU, at LEAST you know how your ex BOYFRIEND felt in this situation. Doesn't feel good, does it? Maybe this is karma...

[starsinthesky]

I understand and appreciate the comment. If you feel based on what I have said that he isn't attracted to me anymore, why doesn't he say anything? I have asked him multiple times if he is unhappy and he swears up and down he is not. Is he just staying with me because he feels comfortable then? Now that I think about it too, it has been weeks, maybe even a month since he has said I was pretty, beautiful, exc.

[Mish]

Karma is a bitch

Talk to him (in a non threatening way), about the inadequate intimacy there is not a lot you can do, but discuss the issue and hope he will understand. I wouldn't go as far as the others as to speculate why this is the way it is, but it happens. Could be as simple as mis match of sex drives.

[starsinthesky]

So I tried talking to him about it again the other day, and it erupted into a huge argument where he again tried to guilt trip me by saying he does everything for me, exc. I ended up getting so mad I slept on the couch that night....during this disagreement I gave him the open door to say he wasn't physically attracted to me anymore, saying if he wasn't it would be best to get it out now than hold it in because how things are going right now it hurts. He denied saying he was not attracted to me anymore...so I have no idea about that. I still have a gut feel he just wants me around so he isn't bored. The next morning after i slept out on the couch he was being a big jerk saying he slept like a million dollars the night before and asked how I slept.

I was so frustrated I went down to my sisters for an evening (I still have a lot of my stuff in her apartment as we used to be roomies) just to take a break from him for an evening to see if it got any better. Well, where my sister lives is where we both went to college, so I know a lot of friends down there still. He called me that night, and I missed his phone call because my blackberry had bad service. He leaves me a voicemail saying he found it weird that I wasn't answering my phone and I was in my old college town with lots of guys....then he said "I still love you and please, please stay faithful." I was really mad when I played that back because I wasn't doing anything like that at all. I was hanging out with one of my girlfriends at Walmart at the time.

So this is my thing, what should i do about this? He is showing me no affection, but yet when I am not around, he freaks out and tells me to stay faithful. It just doesnt make sense...its really frustrating me and it is really starting to get on my nerves.

Please help!!!

P.S. I am back up there with him tonight and all he has done is play his stupid video game and ask me to get him beers because he was too involved with the game to get them himself, always saying "can you get me a beer? love you...."

I just wish things would go back to the way they used to be, but unfortunately life doesn't have a rewind button.

[ecojeanne]

break up with him, it's for the best. he's not interested and he is imo trying to make you break up with him so he can walk away

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

I dont think he is trying to make her break up with him so he can walk away. Look at his reaction when she goes out for one night without him. The bitch suddenly shows his true insecurities.

Ya dont miss the water til the well run dry. Leave his ass. Dont be surprised if he tries to get you back.

I have an ex who would put me down in front his friends and talk shit to me like I'm his pet. After I got tired of his bullshit, I said **** that and left. He tried to get me back for the next few months til he finally let go. He came with the "I didnt realize what I had til you left" line and his ass still got nowhere.

It's a ridiculous way that they attempt to make themselves feel good that they could talk down on you and you still stick around. When yo stand up for yourself you see a whole other side.

[NBT]

So I tried talking to him about it again the other day, and it erupted into a huge argument where he again tried to guilt trip me by saying he does everything for me, exc. I ended up getting so mad I slept on the couch that night....during this disagreement I gave him the open door to say he wasn't physically attracted to me anymore, saying if he wasn't it would be best to get it out now than hold it in because how things are going right now it hurts. He denied saying he was not attracted to me anymore...so I have no idea about that. I still have a gut feel he just wants me around so he isn't bored. The next morning after i slept out on the couch he was being a big jerk saying he slept like a million dollars the night before and asked how I slept.

I was so frustrated I went down to my sisters for an evening (I still have a lot of my stuff in her apartment as we used to be roomies) just to take a break from him for an evening to see if it got any better. Well, where my sister lives is where we both went to college, so I know a lot of friends down there still. He called me that night, and I missed his phone call because my blackberry had bad service. He leaves me a voicemail saying he found it weird that I wasn't answering my phone and I was in my old college town with lots of guys....then he said "I still love you and please, please stay faithful." I was really mad when I played that back because I wasn't doing anything like that at all. I was hanging out with one of my girlfriends at Walmart at the time.

So this is my thing, what should i do about this? He is showing me no affection, but yet when I am not around, he freaks out and tells me to stay faithful. It just doesnt make sense...its really frustrating me and it is really starting to get on my nerves.

Please help!!!

P.S. I am back up there with him tonight and all he has done is play his stupid video game and ask me to get him beers because he was too involved with the game to get them himself, always saying "can you get me a beer? love you...."

I just wish things would go back to the way they used to be, but unfortunately life doesn't have a rewind button.

This will be my last forum response to this problem (I do handle these things for a living, though. So feel free to contact me privately if you need further assistance.)

*****OK, HERE'S THE DEAL*****

You wanna know why he freaks out when you're gone? It's simple. He's grown ACCUSTOMED to you. You're always there, getting him beers, cooking him food, asking him if he's still attracted to you, etc.

He knows he HAS you. So he takes you for GRANTED. But when you're GONE for a night, he thinks "Oh, shit. She's around other guys. And with the shitty way *I* treat her, she MIGHT end up CHEATING on me. Now I'm WORRIED."

But once you're back HOME again, it's back to business as usual. He can go back to taking you for granted. It's a classic case of a man not realizing quite what he has until it's gone. And as long as he shows you that he cares "once in a while", it'll be enough to make sure you don't go anywhere. You may not be SATISFIED with what he gives you, but it's JUST ENOUGH to make sure you don't LEAVE. You'll just COMPLAIN. But he can TAKE that as long as you don't LEAVE (which you won't). So, he has his way.

Anyway, as I said, should you need more help, send PM and I'll see if I can help you.

[FoxyLaydee]

This isn't right. If I were you, I'd pack up and leave. I'd never let anyone treat me this way... you deserve better than this!

Argh! He can't even bloody get up to get his own beer - how rude!