I guess I hurt him a lot, huh?

[ms_jane]

A few nights ago I was having a conversation with my boyfriend of 1 year and two months. I guess I've been really sexually frustrated lately and I told him that I regret giving up my virginity to him. And he was devastated. He said he was deeply hurt and I'll never forget the tone in his voice.

He and I have been sexually active for about nine months now and for the past few months I've been regretting that I didn't wait until I got married before I decide to have sex. I come from a traditional family where my parents expect that I am a virgin til marriage but since knowing my boyfriend I've been over at his place a lot and I slipped up. He's 24 and I'm 23 so we're still very hyper and active. We only live 10 minutes away from each other so it's very tempting to sleep over at each other's place, but now I'm sad that I gave in to temptation.

He says that everything we've been through together he'll never forget and will never regret but it hurts him the most that I could say that I regret giving my virginity to him. I guess I hurt him a lot, huh? I guess I just can't seem to comprehend which angles and aspects I truly hurt him in. I've tried asking him to understand my point of view but he just seems to get more and more depressed saying that he must not be good enough in bed so then I have doubts in him.

[okapa]

Ups I'm sorry but I wouldn't be surprised if he breaks up with you... Maybe he'll try to make things better as he seems to like you so I suggest you behave extremely well with him for some time! Best of luck ; )

[Yggdrasil]

Keeping your virginity is hugely over rated. Seriously.

I suggest to start thinking out of the box.

Where does this 'you can't have sex before marriage' thing come from? Who put that in your mind?

Right, your parents. Why? Because their parents told them.. and so on... and where does this come from? The Church, right?

Well, let's look REALITY:

The church's position - that people should not have sex before or outside marriage - is seen by many as non-negotiable, a central tenet which has always been at the heart of Christian doctrine.

However: until the Reformation, marriage began at the time of betrothal, when couples would live and sleep together. This was called "the spousals"; it was legally binding. The nuptials - ie the public wedding ceremony - would happen later. Into the mid-1700s it was quite normal and acceptable for brides to be pregnant at the altar.

The situation did not change until the Hardwicke Marriage Act of 1753, which for the first time stipulated that everyone in England and Wales had to be married in their parish church. Even Catholics were required to be married by the Church of England, although Jews and Quakers were given exemption.

It was at this time that the spousals and the nuptials were brought together into a single ceremony, and by the 1800s polite society placed a premium on brides being virgins. This act swept away the idea that betrothal was the entry into marriage.

A remnant of this history can be seen in the church's phrase "the solemnisation of matrimony", as it implies that there is something pre-existing to be solemnised.

The process begun at the time of the Hardwicke Act continued throughout the 1800s, with stigma beginning to attach to illegitimacy and, according to historian Asa Briggs, its culmination in Victorian ideals that women should be "chaste before marriage and 'modest' after".

A century later, at the start of the 21st Century, the figure is now back up to 40%.

Nowdays, it's again more becomming the norm for couples to live together before they are married (common law marriage). On average, they don't get married until they are 30 (for men) and 28 (for women). Now 40% of first children are born out of marriage. This information is statistically verifyable.

A period when people live together, perhaps having children, culminating in a wedding ceremony - These are remarkable parallels with the Pre-Reformation practice.

So.. as you can see: this "you have to save yourself for marriage" thing, is not as simple as it appears at first sight. As society changes, so do views on it and so does The Churches view.

Maybe this helps to find peace with the fact that you didn't do anything wrong and if your parents attempt to put toxic shame on you for doing something that is perfectly natural because of an ancient stigma, then shame on them.

I'll end this post with a single phrase: The Truth Shall Set You Free.

[s_b]

"I guess I just can't seem to comprehend which angles and aspects I truly hurt him in" - he's feeling as if he's not worthy, that if you loved him you wouldn't be second doubting your decision. He's feeling rejected by you. You need to reassure him to fix this....genuine, honest TLC.

[Il Cattivo]

Both you and your boyfriend need to get over yourselves. Losing your virginity before marriage, mistake or not, is not the end of the world.
Guess what? You can still get married.
In fact, news flash, you can stop having sex until then if you so choose!
As for your boyfriend, he needs to quit feeling sorry for himself as well. Even if he doesn't satisfy you, who cares? Life is long, and sex is a constant work in progress.
In a few years, with each other or not, this will all seem so overdramatic to you, as it does to me now.

[keepitreal]

Guys place a lot of importance on what they can do for you in bed. Sex can be just as special for you (or a girl) as it can be for a guy. That was an insensitive and hurtful thing to say. You never should have said it, and shows a lack of your maturity. Perhaps you should have stayed a virgin. That said, it is 2009, you should always test the milk before you buy the cow. Having pre-marital sex does not condemn you to hell. You were curious you were old (and over due) and you loved someone. That makes you human. I think you're doubting that you gave it to the right person, not just gave it up. However, instead of saying that, you said something stupid and hurt someone who probably only loves you. Take some time to discover what you truly want (your virginity is gone, get over that), be honest with yourself and with your mate. And please be tactful next time.

[Lite]

Wow, you've just kicked his self worth in the balls. Go you.

Here's the thing about sex and waiting until you're married. You're taught that your virginity is this special thing that should be prized and held on to. This is a hold-over from the days in which men would have their women certified as pure before buying them as property. (Women didn't have rights back then...)

Pretty much according to the Bible, you're married the moment you consummate the relationship. That's it. Everything else is trappings brought about by churches adopting traditions from new societies that it attempts to assimilate. Much like Christmas is...

But, look at it this way. If sex is 1/4 of your relationship's total intimacy, do you think you'd want to go through life married to someone with whom you're not sexually compatible? Even if everything else in your marriage was perfect on an intimacy level, if your sex life sucked, you'd reach 80% of your maximum total happiness potential in the intimacy department.

That's assuming a very unreal perfect intimacy life otherwise. Most relationships struggle to meet the 60% threshold even with a "normal" sex life.

But, go you, you just destroyed your boyfriend and he's probably going to dump you. Not only is he going to permanently harbor resentment against you for saying that, but it's going to eat at the rest of your relationship too because it is unresolved and likely you can't resolve it.

Which means you probably will now not be marrying the boyfriend that you lost your virginity to either. You took your spiritual marriage and threw it away because you were worried about what other people would think of you having your cherry popped. Good job.

[alovehangoverr]

Wow.. I'm not going to lie, I agree with those saying he's likely to dump you.. a blow like that isn't something someone easily gets over, and it's likely to keep coming up in your relationship when anything even remotely sexual occurs.

It's one thing to regret having sex and wanting to save yourself until marriage.. but you made it personal when you said "I regret giving my virginity TO YOU."

Don't be shocked if it's something you can't work through. Bringing it up again is just pouring salt in the wounds-- no matter how hard you try and explain, you won't be able to talk your way out of what you said.. you'll just make it worse.

[lovesjoyajm]

But, look at it this way. If sex is 1/4 of your relationship's total intimacy, do you think you'd want to go through life married to someone with whom you're not sexually compatible? Even if everything else in your marriage was perfect on an intimacy level, if your sex life sucked, you'd reach 80% of your maximum total happiness potential in the intimacy department.

That's assuming a very unreal perfect intimacy life otherwise. Most relationships struggle to meet the 60% threshold even with a "normal" sex life.

I think I missed something with the numbers there. Aren't we talking about 75%??

Anyway, I'm just curious, where did you come up with these numbers?

[Gigabitch]

You've basically just told him you don't see him as marriage material.

[Aeradalia]

Ouch...

Poor guy...

So how much does the relationship revolve around YOU again? I think with your statement of "I regret giving up my virginity TO YOU" the relationship went from being 50% about you to something like 99%.

Congratulations... you've pretty much told him you're wasting your time AND his with this relationship. If you can't 'figure out' how this hurt him... imagine how you would've felt if he said he regretted losing his virginity to you. And don't bother with the excuse of 'well I would've known he was talking about losing his virginity in general' because that's bullshit --- you would've taken it as a personal attack... much as he is now.

There's nothing to salvage... you've put doubt into the very foundation of the relationship, destroyed the trust you both should be sharing, and removed his self-confidence. I think you would've done less damage if you had said his dick was small.

[Lite]

I think I missed something with the numbers there. Aren't we talking about 75%??

Anyway, I'm just curious, where did you come up with these numbers?

I was assuming that a sucky sex life would rate a 5% (20 on a scale of 100)

[IndiReloaded]

Why on earth would you EVER say that to him, or anyone? Its not like saying it will give your virginity back.

You are either very stupid or that was calculated to hurt him. There can be no other explanation. Silly girl; grow up. You must learn to edit your mouth, not every thought that flits through that vacuum needs be spoken.

Apologize to him. Profusely. Tell him you didn't mean it & make it up to him somehow. Or, if you *did* mean it, you should break up with him.

[damn2008]

Wow 'nuff said...everyone laid it straight to you.

[L.L]

uhm... why you said you regret it in the first place? because without you noticing... there must be some kind of introspection you must do(sorry)

he must like you a lot.. that's why he think you gave up your virginity just like one night stand(in my opinion).

but whether you should make up or break up.. it's up to you.... because I don't know who is the real you....

just make him to listen to you