is there any hope?

[jjv3189]

It's a long story..but more details = better advice? I'm a 20 year old female and I met my "ex" at work about 4 months ago..I know what you're thinking, please spare me the lecture of "at- work relationships" . When I started talking to him I thought he was in his early thirties, judging by appearance..but later found out he was 41 about to turn 42, I didn't want to just stop talking to him because of his age, I really liked him. We started talking on the phone and texting a lot, and hanging out outside of work. He's funny, attractive, we have similar hobbies, music and movie interests, ect..basically, we have chemistry.

After about 2 months, I found myself falling for him..hard. I opened up to him. I let him into my heart. I lost my virginity to him. I've never felt this way before, so I think I can say I am in love with him. Then I started picking up on subtle hints...Usually after we got out of work for the night, the phone calls and texting would slow down a lot, then eventually stop. We couldn't spend a lot of time together outside of work because he told me that he lived with his sister, and he needed to babysit for her because she worked nights. It seemed like he felt horrible for not being able to spend more time with me, and he felt like he had an obligation to be there for his sister. We had several conversations about this in person and usually he'd get emotional. Then he told me that his sister's oldest son would be moving back in with her in about a month, and after that he'd be free to come and go as he pleased. I wasn't satisfied with this but I cared for him so much that I wanted to wait it out.

Time kept passing, I kept noticing more and more sneaky behavior and red flags, but I refused to actually believe there was another woman, until a few days ago. I received a voice mail from a woman asking me how I knew him. I couldn't call her back because the number was restricted..but my heart dropped. I started crying..I didn't know what to think or do..I went to our job, I was off that day but he was working..I couldn't just sit around thinking about it, I had to confront him. We went to a room where we could be alone and confronted him about it, he came clean.

He already had a girlfriend..he said he'd been seeing her off and on for about 4 years, and was trying to break up with her. Trying???? I didn't understand that. I told him that he couldn't do this, I was so hurt but at the same time I cared for him so much so I gave him the chance to choose what he wanted. He said he wanted me. I wasn't going to believe him so I asked him for her number and he gave it to me. I called and he told me that he's done this before to her, and he'll come right back to her. She went on to tell me all the lines he uses on girls and plans he makes with them, and he'd used most of them on me. I was devastated. I told her she didn't have to worry about me anymore, that she could have him.

He seemed very remorseful and kept trying to convince me that he was done with her. I had my doubts so I made him call her and tell her he was leaving. He did. Right in front of me, and it was on speakerphone. He told her he was done. I felt a sense of relief but I was still in pain..Then she called me again, she asked me if I was okay, and I asked her why she kept taking him back, she never gave me a straight answer but did confess to cheating on him too. She also said that he was going back to her, and that she just spoke with him on the phone and everything was okay between them. I knew this was a lie because little did she know I was standing next to him during their conversation in which he broke up with her! I just played along with her and didn't argue the fact, but he was heated. He called her again and this time let her know that I was with him and he was choosing me. She started cussing at him and they fought back and fourth and I didn't catch it all but I did hear her say she'd come to our workplace and make sure he didn't have a job when she was done..then he had it on speakerphone again and we were all going in circles with each other, I couldn't take it anymore so finally told him to just tell us, both of us, what he wants, because this was a big waste of time. I was expecting him to tell her he was staying with me and that I'd be relieved again. He said "I've been with her for 4 years, I gotta go back."

I was shocked. I felt broken. I left , saying nothing.Why did he do that? Why would he give me her number in the first place, why would he break up with her on the phone in front of me, why would he feel remorse for what he did to me, why go through all of that just to leave me in the end? I spent most of the next day crying. When i finally spoke to him again..i asked him why he did this to me. He told me that I said she could have him, and he didnt think I wanted him. I told him I just said that out of pain and anger..then he said he had no choice. And asked me to give him time. Yes, you're reading that right..he asked me to wait for him to break up with his girlfriend for us to be together again. Why does that take time ? Why can't he just tell her he doesn't want to be with her, he's unhappy, and just leave !?

I'm in so much pain right now, all I do is sit around waiting for him to show up at my door and apologize and beg me to take him back. Instead, he keeps telling me to wait. Does he care about me at all? Does he realize how much pain I'm in ? I don't know what to do anymore. I go from extreme sadness and wanting to die, blaming myself for not being good enough for him to choose instead of her, being extremely angry with him, and just ignoring him. I think those are all of my methods of trying to get him back. I've never been so happy as he made me when we were together, and now I feel so blank. I'd appreciate any opinions on what is really going on here, or what I should do.

[Juristhea]

It's a long story..but more details = better advice? I'm a 20 year old female and I met my "ex" at work about 4 months ago..I know what you're thinking, please spare me the lecture of "at- work relationships" . When I started talking to him I thought he was in his early thirties, judging by appearance..but later found out he was 41 about to turn 42, I didn't want to just stop talking to him because of his age, I really liked him. We started talking on the phone and texting a lot, and hanging out outside of work. He's funny, attractive, we have similar hobbies, music and movie interests, ect..basically, we have chemistry.

After about 2 months, I found myself falling for him..hard. I opened up to him. I let him into my heart. I lost my virginity to him. I've never felt this way before, so I think I can say I am in love with him. Then I started picking up on subtle hints...Usually after we got out of work for the night, the phone calls and texting would slow down a lot, then eventually stop. We couldn't spend a lot of time together outside of work because he told me that he lived with his sister, and he needed to babysit for her because she worked nights. It seemed like he felt horrible for not being able to spend more time with me, and he felt like he had an obligation to be there for his sister. We had several conversations about this in person and usually he'd get emotional. Then he told me that his sister's oldest son would be moving back in with her in about a month, and after that he'd be free to come and go as he pleased. I wasn't satisfied with this but I cared for him so much that I wanted to wait it out.

Time kept passing, I kept noticing more and more sneaky behavior and red flags, but I refused to actually believe there was another woman, until a few days ago. I received a voice mail from a woman asking me how I knew him. I couldn't call her back because the number was restricted..but my heart dropped. I started crying..I didn't know what to think or do..I went to our job, I was off that day but he was working..I couldn't just sit around thinking about it, I had to confront him. We went to a room where we could be alone and confronted him about it, he came clean.

He already had a girlfriend..he said he'd been seeing her off and on for about 4 years, and was trying to break up with her. Trying???? I didn't understand that. I told him that he couldn't do this, I was so hurt but at the same time I cared for him so much so I gave him the chance to choose what he wanted. He said he wanted me. I wasn't going to believe him so I asked him for her number and he gave it to me. I called and he told me that he's done this before to her, and he'll come right back to her. She went on to tell me all the lines he uses on girls and plans he makes with them, and he'd used most of them on me. I was devastated. I told her she didn't have to worry about me anymore, that she could have him.

He seemed very remorseful and kept trying to convince me that he was done with her. I had my doubts so I made him call her and tell her he was leaving. He did. Right in front of me, and it was on speakerphone. He told her he was done. I felt a sense of relief but I was still in pain..Then she called me again, she asked me if I was okay, and I asked her why she kept taking him back, she never gave me a straight answer but did confess to cheating on him too. She also said that he was going back to her, and that she just spoke with him on the phone and everything was okay between them. I knew this was a lie because little did she know I was standing next to him during their conversation in which he broke up with her! I just played along with her and didn't argue the fact, but he was heated. He called her again and this time let her know that I was with him and he was choosing me. She started cussing at him and they fought back and fourth and I didn't catch it all but I did hear her say she'd come to our workplace and make sure he didn't have a job when she was done..then he had it on speakerphone again and we were all going in circles with each other, I couldn't take it anymore so finally told him to just tell us, both of us, what he wants, because this was a big waste of time. I was expecting him to tell her he was staying with me and that I'd be relieved again. He said "I've been with her for 4 years, I gotta go back."

I was shocked. I felt broken. I left , saying nothing.Why did he do that? Why would he give me her number in the first place, why would he break up with her on the phone in front of me, why would he feel remorse for what he did to me, why go through all of that just to leave me in the end? I spent most of the next day crying. When i finally spoke to him again..i asked him why he did this to me. He told me that I said she could have him, and he didnt think I wanted him. I told him I just said that out of pain and anger..then he said he had no choice. And asked me to give him time. Yes, you're reading that right..he asked me to wait for him to break up with his girlfriend for us to be together again. Why does that take time ? Why can't he just tell her he doesn't want to be with her, he's unhappy, and just leave !?

I'm in so much pain right now, all I do is sit around waiting for him to show up at my door and apologize and beg me to take him back. Instead, he keeps telling me to wait. Does he care about me at all? Does he realize how much pain I'm in ? I don't know what to do anymore. I go from extreme sadness and wanting to die, blaming myself for not being good enough for him to choose instead of her, being extremely angry with him, and just ignoring him. I think those are all of my methods of trying to get him back. I've never been so happy as he made me when we were together, and now I feel so blank. I'd appreciate any opinions on what is really going on here, or what I should do.

Your future with this guy is bleak, because he will do the same thing to you the things he is doing to his girlfriend right now; having someone on the side and trying to break up with you for the new one.

It's a sad realization but you know it's not right if you wait for him. It would've been understandable if the guy was still in his 20's because that would make up for the lack of emotional quotience, but since he is 40+, it's already expected that his maturity levels in relationships should be high but it isn't.

People doing this end up in a self destructive path, bringing everyone down with them, and by everyone meaning their partners. im saying partners in plural because who knows how many he's seeing.

All I want to say is that you are still young and you still have time in the world to look for the one that you love. I know that it's an underrated cliche but only time will tell. Just enjoy the moment and wait it out. Trust me, I've had 7 previous relationships before I met my fiance and I've never been happier.

Charge it to experience.

[Lite]

So, you're hurting... Because you miss a guy who was not only lying to you, but using you to cheat on his girlfriend of 4 years. Then, when push came to shove he didn't pick you? Why would you even want to be in a relationship with someone who lied to you about something so basic in the first place?

Not only that, but he's sleeping with 2 women at once, which shows he really doesn't care about your health, her health, or his. He doesn't respect you, and he used you.

Stop waiting for him to come back and demand better treatment in your life from those you choose to have a relationship with. By failing to value yourself and your need for openness, faithfulness, and honest you're screwing yourself over and selling yourself short.

Why would you do this? Why? Please explain this to me? Why are you such an idiot that you would want him back? He isn't going to change, and 4 years later he'll be ****ing someone else behind your back.

Seriously? Why?

Get some self esteem, get some self worth, and demand a better relationship in your life. Just not from him. Tell him to **** off and die if he calls. Seriously. You women who think it is OK for a man to choose you over his existing girlfriend are the worst kind of woman out there. You let men get away with bullshit behavior because you're desperate.

Stop it! Please!

[sweetlittleme]

I can sympathize with your pain, and how you are feeling about your case.
However, get a grip of yourself..the guy is 42 and he is so immature and too selfish ..he cares only about himself..his personal needs and his ego.

Yeah, his ego must be high up over his head because 2 women are fighting over him ...

If he can't decide between the two of you, then you decide for your own good..just leave him and stay away.

Remember, he lied to you..he cheated on you, he took advantage of your vulnerability and only turns to you for personal gain-sex.
Have yourself worth..you are on the losing end so please.. take solace from your family and friends and pray for guidance.

It's painful in the next few weeks, but all worth it if you carry on to take care of yourself with a life without him.

[SAVANAH]

Hey girl

She will always be in his life, many men have a girl on the side, the same girl that will always take him back no matter what, that will allow him to cheat on you with her.

Move on you deserve so much better, take what you have learn't from him and use it in you next relationship.

I know it's hard and sometimes the pain gets unbearable but once it's over you will feel so much better and find a better more commited guy that really LOVES and APPRECIATES you.

Get the strength to do it and surround yourself with friends and family when the pain gets too much.

You could be so much more happier whether it with some other worthy man or being single.

Take the time and let the wounds heal