I don't understand what guys want...

[Kana]

So I had met a guy online and we talked a few times, we had really fun discussions and were getting along very well. He always seemed eager to talk to me the next day, and so was I. I know this is stupid because it was online (and maybe I was the only one thinking this), but I entertained the idea we had a little something going on, and I felt we probably would be a great match. So after our few talks we decided to meet and he invited me for a drink.

The evening went pretty well, I'm not sure if at this point we were as interested in each other as I thought we would be, but I still kinda liked him. I figure a drink is not really good for a first meeting, since I'm not sure what impression I left on him, after a few drinks I think I remember saying and doing things that might have seemed weird to him, but anyways, I don't think I really did anything that could have turned him off.

So then we left the place and he asked me if I was okay to return home. I obviously wasn't really, and he saw it (I was probably a little more drunk than him -- actually he didn't seem that drunk at all), so he offered me to come over to his place since he lived nearby. So we walked home and he was holding me in a nice way so on the moment I started liking him more.

So long story short, we got to his place, ate, then went to bed. I wasn't really that drunk anymore at this point so I knew what I was doing and to me it wasn't like I was gonna sleep with him just like that on the first night -- it's not my kind of thing. I was just tired and wanted to sleep. He was gently stroking my hair and my back and since I'm a very loving girl I just cuddled and slept while holding his arm.

Eventually I had to take off my clothes and sleep in my underwear cause it was really too hot. I wasn't thinking about sex at all and I have no idea if he was, but I didn't really get that impression, or maybe I'm just really stupid. I kept just cuddling while he was caressing my back and I think we spent most of the night sleeping while holding hands and at some point he also stroked my face and kissed my shoulder.

So anyways the impression it left on me was that he was giving me some affection, and I was enjoying it since all I really wanted was love. Since he's a guy he probably wanted sex, but i didn't feel that night that he even tried to get some even if a few times his hands stroked my butt. I just took all his gestures as love, and I'm very gullible, so in the morning I went back home all happy cause I thought maybe this meant he loved me. We didn't really talk after we woke up so at this point I wasn't sure what to think.

So that night I talked to him again online and to make my mind clear about it, I asked him if he liked me. I was kinda surprised and confused when he answered that he wasn't sure, but enjoyed having a drink with me. I took it as a no and I've been pretty sad about it ever since. I didn't want to question him about it or the night we spent, just in case I still have a chance I don't want to mess it up by bothering him with that.

So that's why I'm wondering if someone can enlighten me. I usually don't sleep around so I'm not used to that. I just don't understand what this all meant to him and I can't stop thinking about it, since I had started to take a liking to him. Did this guy just really wanted sex and I just naively mistook it for love? Then why all the loving, tender gestures, just to finally tell me he's not sure he likes me? Do guys really spend nights cuddling like this even if they don't like the girl? I suppose I misinterpreted his way of acting, so now I feel pretty stupid and confused, and I don't know if I should leave him alone or try to go for him again. I was also wondering if maybe I scared him because I was too loving even though I barely knew him?

[IndiReloaded]

You sound quite young. So, you'll have to take what I say at face value:

Guys *touch* women so that they are fooled into having sex. Girls are biologically programmed to grow attached to guys who make physical contact (his stroking your hair, hugging, touching your shoulders, butt, etc). In fact, players have known this for some time (they call it 'kino').

If you want to keep control over a situation, never let a guy touch you (this includes hugging) until you are sure he is interested in you beyond sex. Of course, if you just want sex, then ignore everything I just said.

There is solid science research behind what I am telling you. Girls hormones increase in response to a guys physical touch. If he is *also* stimulating your mind with emotional conversation, its almost impossible to resist, unless you understand what is happening.

So, take your new-found knowledge and be smarter about your dates. And, btw, I think its a bad idea to strip down the way you did with someone you barely know. You were lucky: he could have raped you. Be smarter next time, okay?

[Kana]

You sound quite young. So, you'll have to take what I say at face value:

Guys *touch* women so that they are fooled into having sex. Girls are biologically programmed to grow attached to guys who make physical contact (his stroking your hair, hugging, touching your shoulders, butt, etc). In fact, players have known this for some time (they call it 'kino').

Yes indeed I'm 22. Also thanks for that explanation, I think that's the kind of reasoning I was looking for. I felt like I needed to explain to myself that I didn't really like this guy, and only started liking him in result to his gentle touching, but I couldn't convince myself because I had nothing to back it up. I'm just someone who falls in love over nothings. Hopefully I can get rid of this false love feeling.

Also I know it was pretty stupid to sleep in underwears but in the situation for some reason I felt safe and I'm not sure it would have been a rape anyways since at this point I was into him pretty much. I just wasn't really thinking about it and wasn't feeling like he was trying to get sex so I just gave in to my fleeting love feeling. I mean, he could have gotten sex really easily with me, but he didn't... so that's what's confusing me.

[nuevo]

you think wayy too much, you are 22, have sex!!

[Thelovedoctor]

From what I'm reading, the guy is probably waiting for you to make a move because he was too nervous to. What was going through his mind was "ok, maybe if I try lovingly touching her, she may respond with a passionate kiss or something, and that will be my que to move in"

seeing how you just layed there like a dumbshit and didn't do anything except "hold his arm and cuddle", he never got the cue to move in.Some guys would have just moved in anyways, but this guy was probably scared shitless that you would accuse him of rape or something and waited for you to make it. You by holding his arm, sent him mixed signals whether or not you want to do it with him and just created more confusion.

you gotta make your intentions clear right back, because from the looks of it, you didn't and confused the poor sap and probably left him high and dry. as indi said, you should have not let him touch you unles you wanted to jump his bones and ride him like a bronco. that would have sent a clear message that you're interested or not.

As for your false sense of love by touching, I'm not a woman, so I can't help you there.

[Yggdrasil]

Hard to tell, he could be a player who wants nothing but sex, or he could be genuinely interested in you and have enough respect for you not to have sex with you against your consent.

He sure seems to know how to get a womans attention, talks the right talk, performs kino, is patient.

If you'd ask me, there's a 96% likelyhood he's a player and after you guys had sex, he moves to his next victim, unless he's one of those who keep you on the line for a while, then dump you for their next victory.

My advice, stay away from him and read up on seduction tips, dating tips, pickup lines, etc...

[PeterJohn]

Hey Kana,

To be upfront coming from a guy who was into the dating, hangout, messing around scene and is 23. Seriously I think some of the people that are responding to you think way too much into this than you are and are giving you dumb answers. Ill lay it out there to you and take it or leave it you'll find it soon to be true.

1. Your acting on your inquiries too soon!

EX: You asking if he likes you.

RULE #2 You never ask someone if they like you unless it is painfully clear that they do or your sacraficing something and need an answer. (Some people may disagree but in the dating world it is LAW)

When a girl or guy asks someone if they like you it brings forth a conclusive answer that in many cases people aren't ready to conclude yet or even entertain. Answering yes obligates that person to act accordingly or begin to think about thoughts of commitment from here on out. You have to understand that people don't have to gain a wanting to have sex or be attracted to someone, but they ALWAYS have to have time to gain a "liking" for someone.

2. I don't understand what these people are telling you about touching, him being a player, raping etc. Its BS!
I was a player and still advise my friends on how to do the game. If he wanted you he would have tried to make a more assertive move. I guarentee you he was NOT thinking about you accusing him of rape if he touched you or made an advance. Guys like physical contact and EVERYONE loves the feelings of relational comfort and in this case without the baggage. I almost will bet you this guy has had a long standing serious relationship and it is comforting to do it again. (Not thinking of his ex unless he has issues)but doesn't have to commit with you.

3. Don't read into things too much from here on out. Your acting on them and it is working against you. I am the same and it took me a few tries to fix it. From here on out, THIS IS WHAT YOU DO. Your actions during were not bad, I don't care what the old people say about it, we are from a different generation. But you need to leave the date saying in your head, "that was fun but if that was it then it was great". If he calls then of course hang out with him if you wish but your relationships will be steadier and mroe fruitful if you don't bring about a premature conclusion. Just have fun and enjoy your time with him, only stop if you dont like him or if it is purely physical I.E. Anything more than making out. (Cuddling is great) This will help you get on track.

Let me know if you have ANY other questions, but again this is just the tip of the iceberg.

PeterJohn

[Yggdrasil]

Hi I'm Peter and I'm 24 and have been through and through on the dating, player, mess arounds, non and serious relationships.

(from [URL="http://www.loveforum.net/introduce-yourself/30458-i-know-relationships.html"]http://www.loveforum.net/introduce-yourself/30458-i-know-relationships.html[/URL])

I don't understand what these people are telling you about touching, him being a player, raping etc. Its BS!

LOL, a self proclaimed player who doesn't know about kino... Sorry bud, you don't come over very believable.

[PeterJohn]

Lets be honest, you probably have never experienced or even know what your talking about. I'm sure you watch DR. Phil and got your definition somewhere but have you lived it? If your a guy then I'm assuming no because what self respecting guy who most real players are just guys who love the chase don't spend time trying to learn your terms they just pick it up as they go along sigmund. Try learning it from experience home body. p.s. this persons adivce is to read up when in all reality that is where they got their understanding. Don't end up being that person who because they got screwed makes everyone else pay for that mistake.

[PeterJohn]

and to be clear, I meant I don't understand why they would waste your time with explanations that generalize "actions" of a player when it doesn't apply to this situation enough to say as a matter of fact.

[Yggdrasil]

Lets be honest, you probably have never experienced or even know what your talking about. I'm sure you watch DR. Phil and got your definition somewhere but have you lived it? If your a guy then I'm assuming no because what self respecting guy who most real players are just guys who love the chase don't spend time trying to learn your terms they just pick it up as they go along sigmund. Try learning it from experience home body.

Wow.. you have psychic powers.. you can read my mind.. You know me, every single second of my life... right? You can read my thoughts and predict my next move.. right?

You're so smart.

How about you answer this: you're how old? 21-23?
You've emotionaly hurt up how many women? 8-12?
Your longest relation with one partner was how long? 4-6 months?
And you're still in the same toxic pattern.

And you want to lecture us?

[PeterJohn]

I'm newly 24
I've hurt women? Hahaha Bitter? Your range is quite big, sensing some previous experiences?

And my Longest is still going strong (have to quit the game sometime) which is more than I can only assume your one relationship which ended with a guy in a toxic pattern so you read and read on how and why and now your job is to warn everyone out there how their experience is going to be the same....How can you make a judgement an instance based on your little experience in the area condemning a "player" because he...oh wait he didn't try to mess around with her....read up more friend. And wouldn't you think if I was this guy, I would know a bit more about it??

[Yggdrasil]

I'm newly 24
I've hurt women? Hahaha Bitter? Your range is quite big, sensing some previous experiences?

And my Longest is still going strong (have to quit the game sometime) which is more than I can only assume your one relationship which ended with a guy in a toxic pattern so you read and read on how and why and now your job is to warn everyone out there how their experience is going to be the same....How can you make a judgement an instance based on your little experience in the area condemning a "player" because he...oh wait he didn't try to mess around with her....read up more friend. And wouldn't you think if I was this guy, I would know a bit more about it??

Suggestion: why don't you drop the "god complex"?

I'm 45 years old, male, married for 25 years, 3 children, 2 girls, 1 boy, dated 3 galls (which I am still on good terms with btw) before my spouse and I decided to get married and am not in a toxic relation.

So much for your 'experience' my friend.

Have a great day.

[IndiReloaded]

PeterJohn - you are an idiot. That is all.

Kana - hoping things are going well. Take care.

[Kana]

Thanks everyone for your answers, it helped me understand better.