I never thought I'd be "the other woman".

[forget.regret]

I just kinda want to get some opinions on my situation.

I've been dating a married man for almost 4 months now. His name is Keith and he cleans the windows at my office. We first met in July of last year and always flirted, but nothing happened until this March. He and I ended up getting together for a beer, just as friends. We talked for hours and kissed at the end of the night. At first, I wasn't sure about the situation. But, the more time we spent together, the more I started to like him. We first had sex about a week after we started hanging out. Ever since then, we'd been seeing each other every day. Every day, we'd have lunch together. And, on Tuesday through Friday nights, he's able to sneak away from home between 7 and 9 because his wife has obligations and takes the kids with her. After about a month and a half, it got to a point that we were talking about 15 times a day and seeing each other twice a day for a few hours at a time. Every second he got to himself, he'd call me or come over if he could. He's been pretty honest with me from day one about his home life. Neither one of them are happy in their marriage and haven't been for about 3 years. The reason they are still together is the kids. They don't kiss or hug each other. They rarely have sex....the last time they did was in February. It's one of those situations where he'd always initiate it and she would say "I'm tired" or "I have a headache". So, he eventually stopped trying. That's how he ended up starting this with me. Don't get me wrong, I never intended to be "the other woman". But, he and I clicked immediately and have been inseperable since day one. He loves everything about me. We make each other feel good and make each other laugh. We get along great and we can be very open with each other. He loves me for me and vice-versa. It feels like we've known each other forever. So, on May 10th, his wife worked until 3 and he was spending the day with his kids and brother-in-law. We sent each other a few texts and he forgot to delete one of them before she got home. She found one of the texts from me. It was nothing incriminating, but it was clear that there was more to the conversation that he'd already deleted so she wouldn't find it. Obviously, that created trust issues. She figured out what was going on and he confessed to the rest of it. She threatened that if he didn't stop seeing me immediately, he'd never see his kids again. So, he told her we'd stop talking. At this point, he decided that he wanted to give his marriage one more try and if it didn't work out, he was planning to leave her for good. Basically, he's tired of getting seperated and getting back together. It's hard on the kids. Less than a week later, we were hanging out again. Since then, we've been seeing each other a little less and being careful. Even after all that, he still says he's in love with me and the only advantage she has over me is the kids.

I just want everyone's opinions about this. Do you think he will ever leave his wife? How long can a person continue to be unhappy for the kids' sake? There's a lot more to the situation, but I don't wanna go on and on about it. If you have questions, feel free to ask.

[Doc Durian]

He only has to leave her first and he's in the clear?

He can then be with you, have partial custody of his children, etc....?

[misombra]

you're setting yourself up for a lot of pain and drama. you're setting plenty of other people on that path as well.

good luck with that.

[Junket]

There isn't "a lot more to the situation".

You're both high on romantic love.

You're simply in stage you could be in with any other guy.




Stage 1. ATTRACTION - a positive response to a person beyond friendship. This can further be broken down into two areas: (a) physical attraction & (b) emotional attraction.

a. Physical Attraction - happens when your body reacts to another person. Heart rate increases; temperature rises, palms get sweaty; stomach flutters; throat tightens; etc. This is the most superficial of "loves" on one level, but one of the most powerful on another. It represents the first contact.

b. Emotional Attraction - develops next if the circumstances are right. After being drawn to a person physically, you then begin to converse. If you find you have things in common -- hobbies, ideologies, career, education, or some other common ground -- then an emotional attraction starts to form.

An emotional attraction can also occur even when a physical attraction does not. And in this case, the bond may even be stronger between the two who connect, since no preconceived notions based on physical appearance has occurred.

Stage 2. ROMANCE - essentially an act of trying to influence or gain favor of another by lavishing attention or gifts upon them. There are two type of romance: (a) selfish romance & (b) selfless romance.

(a) Selfish Romance - occurs when you do romantic acts solely for the purpose of gaining something for yourself -- like to get gifts, to impress someone else, or even simply for sexual favors whether your partner is interested or not.

(b) Selfless Romance - occurs when you do romantic acts for the enjoyment and pleasure of your partner. You receive your enjoyment and pleasure through their happiness.

Selfish romance (& love) will quickly die out. Selfless romance (& love) will endure. Because romance is an "act," many couples who have been together a long time take it for granted. With a conscious effort, it can be rekindled.

Stage 3. PASSION - a desire for another person, which has grown to an intensity that can't be ignored. This is often where an emotional relationship turns into a physical relationship. The passion stage is very important. It's a plateau.

From here, the relationship will fork into two roads, and the couple must decide which path to take. The relationship will either burn itself out or will move onto the next stage.

Stage 4. INTIMACY - a close association with another person of the deepest nature. You share you thoughts, your feelings, your dreams. In true intimacy, there is nothing that you cannot tell this person (though we often hesitate because of our own unfounded fears).

Intimacy is not total in one swoop. It is a developing process, which never ends. If you can't establish intimacy with your partner, your relationship may work for a while, but is unlikely to endure throughout the years.

Stage 5. COMMITMENT - a pledge to remain true to your mate throughout good and bad times. Commitment is easy when times are good. Commitment can be extremely difficult when times are bad. Learn to ride out the bad times.

[Rollerderby]

Unfortunately, when divorce takes place, if one of the partners has cheated, they loose many many rights in the divorce. He does have a lot to loose if it ends like that, not just kids but money and possessions as well. It depends on lawyers and judges but cheaters really do never prosper and the law in marriage makes sure of that.

You knew what you were getting yourself into. From the amount of time he spends with you and talking to you, he may really care, but... do you want to be that woman that splits the family up?

Let's say, he does leave her. He has kids. So kids come over to hang with their dad and his mistress who ****ed their family. Sound like a happy picture? Not so much. He has children with this woman, and it sounds like he will choose them over you. Most parents would, don't take it personally. But, this situation can never end well. And there are children involved. It sucks that their marriage sucks, and probably isn't better for the kids necessarily, but putting them through a custody battle would be hell on earth. He would resent you for the headache/heartache. How old are the kids by the way?

[misombra]

well that would depend on what state he was in. in the state i live in you could be a cheating bastard and the court wouldn't/couldn't concern themselves.

[Doc Durian]

Unfortunately, when divorce takes place, if one of the partners has cheated, they loose many many rights in the divorce. He does have a lot to loose if it ends like that, not just kids but money and possessions as well. It depends on lawyers and judges but cheaters really do never prosper and the law in marriage makes sure of that.

You knew what you were getting yourself into. From the amount of time he spends with you and talking to you, he may really care, but... do you want to be that woman that splits the family up?

Let's say, he does leave her. He has kids. So kids come over to hang with their dad and his mistress who ****ed their family. Sound like a happy picture? Not so much. He has children with this woman, and it sounds like he will choose them over you. Most parents would, don't take it personally. But, this situation can never end well. And there are children involved. It sucks that their marriage sucks, and probably isn't better for the kids necessarily, but putting them through a custody battle would be hell on earth. He would resent you for the headache/heartache. How old are the kids by the way?

I disagree.

If he and her play their cards right, maintain a "friendship" and he leaves his wife properly... thus filing for divorce with reasonable outcomes... he can be rid of her, have his new gal and have his children from time to time... without losing everything.

Depends on how much he wants that new life, and how smart he plays it.

Any women who uses children as a bartering tool deserves to be kicked in the fanny with a hydrochloric acid soaked football cleat.

[Rollerderby]

That's really bizarre.... why is it like that? Isn't marriage supposed to be monogamous? Unless this is one of those mormon states...

[Rollerderby]

I disagree.

If he and her play their cards right, maintain a "friendship" and he leaves his wife properly... thus filing for divorce with reasonable outcomes... he can be rid of her, have his new gal and have his children from time to time... without losing everything.

Depends on how much he wants that new life, and how smart he plays it.

Any women who uses children as a bartering tool deserves to be kicked in the fanny with a hydrochloric acid soaked football cleat.

It also doesn't sound like she was putting much into the marriage either. I think out of most "cheating relationships" this one actually *may* stand a chance for working out in the end, if like you say, things get played right. But he is doing the responsible thing by considering the children first and foremost. Young minds are molded easily and if she is an uber bitch, she could do more damage on their psyches than his cheating would.

[Mish]

I just want everyone's opinions about this. Do you think he will ever leave his wife?

More likely that his wife will leave him long before he grows a spine to leave her, then you can have this cheating weasel all to yourself. Only I doubt he will change. You think he is somehow different? Most cheaters have a soapy story as to why someone else is to blame for their behaviour. And then you think he will be faithful to you? Give me a break. He doesn't respect you at all otherwise he wouldn't be giving his marriage "a try" while stringing you along. And he doesn't care about his kids as well, if he was any sort of a man he would have cut it off completely with you for their sake.

Fact is, you are with a two timing back stabber who wants the best of both worlds. I hope you don't realize that once it is too late.

[IndiReloaded]

You wouldn't be posting here if you didn't already know it was wrong. You are either trying to convince yourself its okay or hoping someone can convince you to get over your temporary insanity (which all infatuation is). Anyway, I'll just repost this recent thread so Vash & I don't have to restate what you are in for. Here you go:

First off, men rarely leave their marriages for these flings.

The truth is, any woman who has an affair w/a married man deserves what is coming to her. Sure, the guy will tell her she is getting all the *important* stuff (his love, attention, etc), but really what does she have? She spreads her legs for him but he goes home to her & his kids, has family dinners, vacations, outings, etc, while she is left waiting for the phone to ring. She gets nothing while the wife still has pretty much everything.

And, should he actually decide to leave his wife for his fling, then she gets a cheater who doesn't understand commitment. So, chances are, he'll do it to her again later. Marriages that start as affairs rarely last. Such is the cycle.

But sure, go ahead and help to break up a family. Those kids totally deserve it. I mean, he's the one hurting them, not you. You don't owe them anything, its just their bad luck their father is a cheater who is fuking a woman who cares more about herself than the well being of kids who didn't ask for any of this.

Kick him to the curb, babe. I know its tough being alone out there, but have some self-respect. Don't chase after a guy with a family.

[Yggdrasil]

You wouldn't be posting here if you didn't already know it was wrong. You are either trying to convince yourself its okay or hoping someone can convince you to get over your temporary insanity (which all infatuation is). Anyway, I'll just repost this recent thread so Vash & I don't have to restate what you are in for. Here you go:

But sure, go ahead and help to break up a family. Those kids totally deserve it. I mean, he's the one hurting them, not you. You don't owe them anything, its just their bad luck their father is a cheater who is fuking a woman who cares more about herself than the well being of kids who didn't ask for any of this.

Kick him to the curb, babe. I know its tough being alone out there, but have some self-respect. Don't chase after a guy with a family.

Takes two to cheat. He's just as 'guilty'.

[IndiReloaded]

Thanks Ygg. I called him a cheater, I think. Actually, I think he is worse, as he is the one made a formal promise to God, society, himself & his wife in front of his friends & family. However, SHE is the one here posting not him.

By way of solution, tho, either can step up & do what's right. Given she isn't the married one, I would say its easier for her to end it & do what's right & still hold her head up high afterward. He will still have to explain to his wife what he did, regardless.

[IndiReloaded]

If he and her play their cards right, maintain a "friendship" and he leaves his wife properly... thus filing for divorce with reasonable outcomes... he can be rid of her, have his new gal and have his children from time to time... without losing everything.

Depends on how much he wants that new life, and how smart he plays it.

Any women who uses children as a bartering tool deserves to be kicked in the fanny with a hydrochloric acid soaked football cleat.

Yep, this is so. However, I have doubts about his integrity b/c he has already started a physical affair with this gal.

It rarely happens that people realize that they made a mistake in their marriage. However, the only chance such a couple has is to start with a clean slate: get a divorce *before* getting with the other person. Otherwise there are all kinds of trust issues and other problems, especially when children are involved.

There is a reason why marriages that start as affairs almost always end in divorce, those that actually make it to marriage. Most don't.

I feel sorry for those kids. IMO, adults can do whatever they want; marriage is mostly for families.

[Gigabitch]

Moral judgments aside, you're setting yourself up to be in her position in five years. Please come back here and re-read this thread then and give your past self some advise. I'll bet you'll be harsher than any of us.