Really need help on dependency

[EmmaK]

Hiya all

Just signed upto this so am very new. Will try my best to explain everything so apologies in advance for a long post.

I have what i think is an obsessive love disorder, a dependency on another girl i've only known since January. Thing is i'm 19 and she's alot older, 37 and yea i know that's weird for me act like that, it just is what it is. Met up online and have spent every day online for half a year in constant contact, long talks sometimes lasting whole entire days and nights.

When i met her i was extremely inexperienced in relations and stuff, wasn't even into females at the time, nor was i into males i'd almost class myself as asexual at that point. She was somebody that i have such faith and love for, she kinda took me under her wing and sorta guided me through the world, felt safe and loved when about her. We had a relationship briefly lasting only 2 months of the 6 we've known each other for.
In that time it was my first real experiences aside from flings and such which in themselves were as rare as a honest politician.

But the relationship reverted back to friendship as she found our age too much of a hurdle and saw me more as a daughter she wanted to protect rather than a lover, however i'm utterly obsessed with her even 2 months after we broke up. I know i'm addicted to that safe warm fuzzy feeling was given and the way she speaks so lovingly to me, i've tried my best to persuade her to love me differently but i can't.

We are still extremely close friends online having lots of contact everyday. Having been so dependent on her its changing my entire world, fail to smile without hearing from her and this overwhelming depression when our contact ends for the night. Sometimes she won't appear for a day and in that time alone i find myself so riddled in thoughts and emotions that my depression which has always been there just totally erupts and i've self-harmed purely on the disappointment of not talking.

I lied to her by telling her i see us maternally ie mother-daughter the way she does however i just love her so insanely, can't shift it and it's not good especially as i have erratic mood swings and an over-analytical brain. I don't see why we cannot have a intimate relationship other than the fact she doesn't want to. I see her age as more a positive than anything because i feel more secure and stuff knowing how much care she has for my safety.

Problems are that i obsess over everything, read her messages all day everyday, analyze them re-read them and follow her other online activities. It's just not healthy, she's an independent woman with her own home and world and i'm a 19 year old who instead of going out and stuff am sat up indoors waiting for her. But i know this, but why can't i change this? Why do i continue to feel and act that way? How comes i can't stop obsessing?

Don't wanna bring too much up with her because i don't wanna lose our bond but it's tearing me in half everyday, part of me wants marriage and moving in and that but there's the other part suffering this massive rejection load that it won't happen. So why can't i accept that even knowing the truth?

I had a relationship with 2 other women, 1 purely for experience but the other a small relationship lasting like a month. But i broke it off for few reasons but the biggest being my adoration for this other person, who even then i knew didn't want the things i wanted but yet i still felt the need to end a perfectly good relationship, why would i do that?

Love her so too much that i can sit there for hours just waiting for contact, canceling outside activities on the basis that she might contact for example. I know i come across as needy and pathetic but researching the causes for obsessive love disorder and i have them all in spades including the childhood reasonings. But try to avoid suggesting counseling as i have hardly no money nor motivation to be honest. I just want to live and be happy, but everything's so miserable. Her love for me at the time was so awesome everything was better, was happy, i just want it back and am really struggling.

Do i talk to her on this or will i ignite some kind of problem between us? If not her, who do i talk to? Why am i even acting this way at my time of life when everyone i know is happy and carefree?

Thankyou so much for reading this i do appreciate it's very long length and will be real happy to get help as am so morbidly depressed by it all, any help will do so much and i'm just looking for aid seeing as how family life consists of myself and mum who isn't able to be of help in this situation.

Thanks again

[Yggdrasil]

ok, I guess you won't like this but someone has to tell you:

Step 1: you'll have to break all contact with her. No texting, no msn, no phone, no email, no talking, no excuses to see her, call her, email her.

Step 2: you'll have to learn to accept that the relation with her is OVER. It's done, it's the past. Grieve over it, feel crappy about it, yell, scream, cry...

Step 3 is to learn to live all by yourself (single) and learn to take care of all your needs, emotional as well as physical. Get involved in hobbies, go out, make new friends, do all the things you always wanted to do but never did. Date, have fun, enjoy yourself.

A person can not have a healthy mature relation with another person till this has been established.

[EmmaK]

Thanks for the reply

It's just the thing with breaking contact is it would be so sudden, like we still spend loads of time with each other and she'd wanna know why i was cut and running. If like broke the ties i'd have to explain my feelings with her and i dunno that's best thing, make me look like was lying for months too if told her i saw her differently to how i said i did. Will try the independent way you suggests, it just am very highly emotional and depressed and feeling crappy for awhile i dunno might be really bad for me

[vashti]

I agree that you need to cut contact. You need distance in order to allow time for healing.

Also, it seems to me that you are developing attachments to people with qualities you admire. I think it would be a good idea to spend a lot of time developing yourself into the kind of person that has these qualities. That way, you will have a lot to offer another person, and you won't feel the need to be so clingy.

[EmmaK]

Thanks reply

Yea i think that's true, all qualities i want are there in buckets with her and so guess makes sense by what you're saying. Hard to change a personality but i do agree that i gotta in order to stop this clingy way a mine. Think you're pretty accurate in what you said, it just again cutting contact i dunno how to go about that. Mean she'd feel horrible, i'd feel horrible, be riddled in guilt as well let alone given huge time voids in the day left empty.
Do wanna free up from all of this and stop were i'm going its just so inexplicably hard to cut contact with someone who is virtually always in contact. She knows i'm sad and if just disappeared she'd think the worst has happened, am not sure on my approach or what to say or stuff

[vashti]

You don't ned to be rude about it. Just tell her you thought you could maintain a friendship with her, but your feelings are deeper, and you need time to get over her. She's not a baby. She'll be fine.

[Yggdrasil]

Thanks reply

Yea i think that's true, all qualities i want are there in buckets with her and so guess makes sense by what you're saying. Hard to change a personality but i do agree that i gotta in order to stop this clingy way a mine. Think you're pretty accurate in what you said, it just again cutting contact i dunno how to go about that. Mean she'd feel horrible, i'd feel horrible, be riddled in guilt as well let alone given huge time voids in the day left empty.
Do wanna free up from all of this and stop were i'm going its just so inexplicably hard to cut contact with someone who is virtually always in contact. She knows i'm sad and if just disappeared she'd think the worst has happened, am not sure on my approach or what to say or stuff

Ok, well, first of: you don't worrie about her feelings or what she thinks. That's not your concern. She has to deal with her feelings and her thoughts, you have to deal with yours, and that is what you focus on. YOUR feelings and thoughts

Secondly, you shouldn't feel horrible or guilty. You are on a path to self improvement. Look up to that. Fill the void of the day with working on yourself.

Thirdly, stop finding excuses not to make the step to break entirely with this 'friendship' that enables you to keep sticking to your unhealthy habbits.

I would say: it's time to develop some feeling of self worth and for some spiritual growth. Contemplate on whom you are and try to see which parts of you need work.

Then work on those parts.

You said she has all those qualities you'd like to have. How about you start developping those qualities in yourself, FOR YOURSELF.

There are counseling workshops which you could use to accomplish this. They're usualy even free of charge.

It's time to break with old, unhealthy habbits which will keep you in a destructive and toxic cycle and develop new, healthy habbits which will make you grow and mature, make you become a fuller person.

You have to learn to love yourself.

I don't think you'll be able to do that without professional help, so I would suggest your first step should be to seek out a counselor.

I hope I am making sense here.

[EmmaK]

Thanks so much for that, really helpful reply

Need to listen to what you said and take on board, and i kinda cowered from it because its just not nice situation and your right in saying i make excuses to stop from dealing with stuff. Guess need grow a backbone and get stronger, but yea will look for counselor stuff haven't been in years and think it worth going to again. Thanks again for fab reply, i know doing it is another story but i try my best with it

[Yggdrasil]

Thanks so much for that, really helpful reply

Need to listen to what you said and take on board, and i kinda cowered from it because its just not nice situation and your right in saying i make excuses to stop from dealing with stuff. Guess need grow a backbone and get stronger, but yea will look for counselor stuff haven't been in years and think it worth going to again. Thanks again for fab reply, i know doing it is another story but i try my best with it

I only can give advice, what you do with it is up to you.

It helps having an outsider viewpoint, because outsiders aren't emotionaly involved.

It takes courage and strenght to take care of your issues and I think you have the courage and strenght required to do so. I commend you for making the decission to go seek professional help (again).

So you strayed a bit of the path. That's hardly something to put yourself down over, it simply makes you human. The idea is to learn from the experience and keep on growing. It seems like you understood that lesson.

I understand it's hard to make a commitment to yourself to deal with unhealthy habbits and try to change them into healthy ones, but in the long run it's well worth the pain, effort and work. You'll come out so much stronger.

When the road gets tuff, you're always welcome to post here, be that for encouragement, a kick in the ass or advice.

I know I'm blunt, but I have learned over the years that sugarcoating doesn't provide results.

And remember: you're not a victim, you're a survivor. Be gentle on yourself and give yourself time to heal and grow. Nobody can help you, but you yourself. All others can do is guide you.

Remains for now to wish you good luck and courage.

[EmmaK]

Need people like you in my real life, maybe advice like that i wouldn't get stuck in these weird places, been a mega help really have

Is really appreciated that faith you got in my strength, would normally put myself down at this point over that however i need to do this and you're right on everything you say. Been hard day not see her today but when i will i'll do it. Just build myself up to do it and then get some outsider help as you suggest for the fallout

Been struggling with this so long it made me so depressed, guess i should've tried outside help before now, doing this will make it all better and just big thanks for your support and belief. Very happy to read your posts been really nice