Crossroads.

[Junket]

I'm going to post this in the general forum because we have members that don't have access to our other forum that I wouldn't mind hearing opinions from.

I would also like to reiterate to those who know her name, to respect our privacy and not use it here.

This is more reflective than anything else because well...I think the advice I'd give myself is the similar to what I'd expect to hear from you guys.

Some of you may remember a number of incidents me and my girlfriend had in the past months, and the one reoccurring theme was "do we both want the same thing?".

A quick recap for those that don't know:

She just turned 27, and I just turned 23.

She has a bachelors, and I have a highschool diploma.

She's from a small town in Texas, I'm from the city of Philadelphia.

She has a conservative, family oriented background, and I...well don't.

We met through our volunteer service back in 2005-06 and been exclusive since the end of 06 to present. Living together here in New Orleans since February of 08.

She misses her family and is growing tired of the organization she works for, and I'm realizing that unless I get proper schooling and that "paper", I'm going to have trouble moving up in the electrical trade.

Neither of us want to stay here, but neither of have a great enthusiasm to move to the other's home ground. New Orleans was a good neutral because we were both familiar with the city, had the kind of work we both like, and we have mutual friends and contacts here.

We've looked at other states and cities but I think moving to a strange city far from anything/anyone we're familiar with while trying to pursue our personal goals wouldn't be conducive to ourselves or our relationship.

I miss my friends and she her family. I need to go back to school to get an edge in this line of work, and I'd like to do it somewhere I'm familiar and comfortable with. We talked about this all today and we both feel like we just need to decide what we individually want and cross those bridges when the time comes. It's kind of bittersweet. It'd be easier if we fought about something, but we both understand where the other is coming from.

I don't know...we have 11 months until our lease is up to decide what we want to do.

[ecojeanne]

would you be willing to sacrifice what you want and move to her home and continue to be with her? it's a bonus that she is close to her family and it can maybe be easier overall than moving to your home and her having to integrate to less of family as support and a big city

[Junket]

would you be willing to sacrifice what you want and move to her home and continue to be with her? it's a bonus that she is close to her family and it can maybe be easier overall than moving to your home and her having to integrate to less of family as support and a big city

No.
_______

[Rollerderby]

So are you worried about making it work? Moving? All of the above?

I think as far as moving you are right to want to wait to cross that bridge since you have 11 months. So now you seem to be considering moving together or moving back home?

I know this doesn't apply to all situations, and I don't know yours well enough to say if it does or not, but the fact that you are 23, and she is 27 is something to consider. I am also 23, and not in a family-oriented stage of life. By 27, I might be. If you try to commit to something before you are ready it's not going to work well. But at the same time, if you really care about her and don't want to loose her... well it's tough to make a decision.

I think just because you love someone doesn't mean it is going to work if you have different goals. You have individual goals and they have to coincide with the mutual goals of your relationship.

Tell me, what ideally do you want from your situation with her? If you could have it all your way, what do you envision?

[Indignant]

i think you are done with her. she was a phase that you have gotten weary of.

[BillyGalbreath]

"The important thing is to be able, at any moment, sacrifice what we are for what we could become."

I've been in a slightly similar situation. We both went our separate ways to reach our individual goals in hopes that our paths would cross again. Ultimately, they never did, but everything worked out for the best in the end. If given the chance to go back, I'd not change a thing.

Am I telling you two to break up? No. I'm saying go your own paths. Long distance relationships do workout sometimes. But either way, by the time its all said in done, you will be pleased with yourself for staying true to your goals which make you a better person for all.

[misombra]

it's hard for couples to be isolated from their friends and family.

[Junket]

i think you are done with her. she was a phase that you have gotten weary of.

That's just it.

Our issues aren't the result of personal ideal differences, it's just being at different stages in life.

I didn't pursue college because I didn't believe in college for the sake of college. I wanted a reason, I wanted a goal to shoot for that required the acquisition of a degree.

She's been there done that, our paths cross through our service. Afterwards we had a long distance relationship we realized we both had goals we could pursue together. And so we did.

But we're both feeling like we may have different goals right now that can't be achieved together. Any "sacrifices" as we all know will lead to resentment, and neither of us want that.

She's such a genuine person, it's tough to find that and just let it go, (should it come to that). But unfortunately, it's a choice we'll have to make.

[Indignant]

you know you'll be regretting letting her go in a year or two. mark my words.

[misombra]

11 months is a long time and a lot can happen in that time. maybe you're both just feeling stuck. you're being forced to wait it out so just go with it.

time will tell.

[Junket]

you know you'll be regretting letting her go in a year or two. mark my words.

Ah, that's the most beautiful part.

[Mish]

Reading this and a couple of other posts you made on this subject Fras I'm starting to realize that you will probably let her go. You need more experience, education wise, work wise and relationship wise and these things require a higher degree of freedom. Staying in this relationship will probably leave you feeling like you are stagnating and you probably won't be able to conquer that feeling completely until you get to taste that freedom completely.

Though, freedom is a double edge sword. After a while you will realize it's not all it's cracked up to be and what once seemed like a cool refreshing change can easily turn into an empty and bitter loneliness. Missing her year after year and wondering what it could have been like will probably be a lot harder than letting her go. It's a hard decision to make with heavy casualties on either side of the fence. I hope you will make the one which is best suited for you.

[IndiReloaded]

Fras, I was dating a guy seriously in college. My first 'serious' BF, if you will.

We were going to different schools, saw each other on weekends. Did the LDR thing. He was (still is) a wonderful man, very bright, lots of fun. He's a lawyer now (oh well, nobody is perfect, lol). I was, well, me. Into science, lots of scholarships, prospects for professional school here & abroad coming in at the time.

When the time came to make that decision, he asked me to marry him(!). I cried my eyes out for the better part of a week. Told him no. We were on different paths & someone was going to pay the price in career. Broke up with him soon after. He came to visit me at my college to try to change my mind. It was simply awful. I have never, ever felt so terrible about hurting another person like that.

It wasn't my fault. It wasn't his. Tho, I was young then so I beat myself up over it pretty badly for a long while. Looking back, tho, it was the right decision. Which is why I always say, guilt is overrated.

Sometimes, Fras, love just isn't enough. Timing counts for a HELL of a lot in life. Here's a warning for you both: Don't ever let another person come between you & education or something that is really important to you. And don't ever let someone you love make that sacrifice for you, either. Even for love, some prices are too dear to pay. In the end, someone will regret it. Which means you BOTH will.

Live your life, take what you can while you can. Love is wonderful, but I have found that those who are truly important to your life never really leave it forever. I don't want to invoke 'fate' and crap, (you know I don't believe in that bunk) but I have found that people who are special to you somehow find a way back into your life when the timing is better. It may take years, or decades even, but this seems to be true (based on my experience anyway). This is provided you make your choices with integrity at the time to avoid unnecessary bad feelings or bitterness. Understand? Your choices need to have *both* your best interests at heart.

Be true to yourself hun. If you do this from the get-go, you'll run into far fewer problems down the road.

That took waay too many words, BTW. Hayward was always better at these types of sermons.

[ed604]

Well if you and her are meant to be right then this part of the journey is just a hump that you and her have to work through you know

[Yggdrasil]

Fras, you're mature enough to now what you want.

The only advice I am going to give you is this: do what you think is right for you in your given situation.