She's texting another guy (long)...

[jp66]

Hi. First time I've ever posted a question on a site like this, so please be kind.

My fiance and I have been dating for two years and until recently have had a head-over-heals in love relationship. Recently, things have become strained...I lost my job when my company closed down, and although I'm close to finding another one quickly, it's stressful. She balances work, school and helping me raise my son. We have a lot to juggle.

It's been clear for several months that she's been stressed and overwhelmed with everything. But, through it all, I thought our relationship was the constant, and source of support. She's been a bit more distant than before, but I chalked that up to stress.

Then, just under a month ago, she went out after a night class with some classmates. She forgot to tell me, and didn't text or call me to say she's be late. First time that ever happened. When she was over an hour late coming home, I started sending texts to see if she was ok, and called her once. At last, she checked her phone and texted me that she lost track of time and was ok. She came home several hours after her normal time, very drunk and unusually horny (not "love me" horny, but "f*** me" horny).

It was very unusual behavior. A day later, I then did something I am ashamed of and checked her phone. The morning after her late night, she wrote to one of the guys and apologized for her "indiscretions," said that alcohol and they are a dangerous combination, and thanking him for being a gentleman, adding she wouldn't cheat on me and thanking him for helping keep it that way. I was crushed. But, really ashamed for invading her phone privacy, and realizing that nothing seemed to really happen, being sensitive to her current stress and probable need for a "night out", so I just let it slide. But, not really in my heart of course.

Over the course of the next 3 weeks, she went out again 6 times drinking with friends, without me. Four of those times, I found myself up late worrying about what was going on. She's been great in staying in communication since that first time, and by all pretenses, is simply hanging with some friends. But, I know that guy is one of the ones she's hanging with, and because "alcohol and they are a dangerous combination", I am uncomfortable.

I have brought up to her a couple of times that this very recent trend of going out with these guys I don't know is uncomfortable to me, but she's defensive about it, and says I shouldn't worry, that they are just friends and she'd never cheat on me. She made me feel like I was insecure and paranoid. Maybe I am a bit, but I do not have a history of that. Simply, it all doesn't feel right.

So, during this whole time, I have occasional checked her phone. I know I know, I'm an idiot. But, the thing is since that first time, she now deletes all of her texts ever day before coming home. Considering everything else, that to me is very suspicious. So, I went a step worse and was able to access her phone history online, and now find myself tracking it daily. I cannot read her texts, but I can see her text activity. She's been averaging exchanging 25+ texts with this guys on a daily basis. Some days as many as 70. In comparison, at our romantic height, we texted each other about 15 times a day. The texts often start when she leaves the house (like within a minute of leaving the house), and often end just before she comes home.

So, I hit a boiling point last week and admitted that I saw that original text exchange from that drunken night, and am really upset that she's still spending so much time with this group of new friends I don't know, and this guy in particular. I did not admit to checking her text logs online. It was a tough discussion and she admitted that her feelings for me are wavering now that I'm not the secure well-employed guy she fell in love with, and that she's been going through a crisis, not just around juggling many responsibilities but in her feelings for me. She states (and I believe) she still loves me, and there's no doubt she's crazy in love with my son, so I know she's motivated for "us" to work out. But, she's been debating internally whether she can get back to being "in love."

She admits that her hanging with her new friends has had aspects of being unhealthy, but is adamant that she hasn't cheated and would never cheat on me. And, she is also adamant that this one dude is just one of the guys. She apologized for what she construes as "drunken flirting" that first night but that it didn't and hasn't gone anywhere since. She is pissed at my checking her phone that one time and now claims to have trust issues with that, as well as hurt that I have had trust issues with her.

I am ashamed of my "spying" at her texts log, and afraid that if she knew about it she'd really go over the top and we'd be done. So, I have not told her I am aware of her daily communications with this guy.

Bottom line, it may sound crazy, but I believe that she's hasn't cheated by sleeping or even kissing him. But, I am convinced that her feelings and relationship with this guy is well beyond "just one of the friends." The volume and timing of the texts, that she feels she needs to hide them from me, the physical and emotional distance increasingly between us, and her admitted wavering of feelings toward me certainly all align to her having at least an emotional or fantasy affair with him. I believe her when she says she still loves me and wants us to figure out how to make it work. But, these daily texts continue and I feel like "he" is in the way of "us."

So, what do I do? Do I confront her re the ongoing texts with him, and therefore admit to my continued and heightened spying? Do I play this out for a while and see if it's just a time when she needs a distraction, hoping it'll stop? Do I tell her it's either his friendship or our relationship?

Sorry this was so long. Like I said, I'm a newbie. Would love some advice from women.

Thanks!

[BillyGalbreath]

Trust issues, my ass... People only get defensive like that when they've got something to hide. 'nough said.

[Rollerderby]

That's wrong of her. I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. Romance fades and people forget that.

[Doc Durian]

You've caught her out, and she doesn't know the whole extent of it...

Let her go, softly...

If she ever owns up to all of it at a later date, and it's believable.... reconsider.

But don't hold your breath.

The goose is over cooked and is resembling a turkey.

[Graham Berkeley]

Something like this happened to me. If she is anything like the woman I had she will begin talking about moving out and how she loves you but needs space and to find herself and half a dozen other things. If she hasn't cheated she either will or come damn close. To close for comfort and then decide that if she got that close or crossed the line then her feelings for you must be gone as well.

IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT. I know from first hand experience how much this hurts. It is not you. If she is going to do this to you and the child you guys brought into the world then she is very very nuts right now. You need to focus on a game plan for you and your son should she decide to leave. Your son will need you.

[Doc Durian]

It sounded like his son is of a different relationship, but I may have interpreted that wrong.

[jp66]

Thanks all. FYI, my son is from my first marriage. We lost his mother to cancer when he was a baby. So, this woman has been not only a wonderful girlfriend and companion (until now), but his new mother. They're crazy for each other, and she's great with him. The idea of him losing another key woman in his life is terrifying to me. So, in addition to the fact that I am still in love with her, I am not in a hurry for him to lose her. That's why I am hanging on longer than I think most guys would.

Still, the advice so far here sounds right. Thanks

[Gigabitch]

The fact that she was "in love" with you because you were well-employed was enough for me. That girl doesn't love you. Not really. If you were well-employed, you're well-employable, and looking at the course of a lifetime, the present economic downturn will be a blip. This is her reason for wandering off? Best to let her go.

I understand you want things to be stable for your son, but his "new mommy" is out boozing it up and having an emotional affair right in front of you.

You're much nicer than I am. I'd have kicked her ass out by now.