When to call it quits...

[hoppy1214]

Sorry this is so long. So the bf and I originally dated 3 months before he dumped me. He was kind of a douche at the time so I wasn't all that heartbroken. I went off to Europe for the summer and had the time of my life. When I got back, the bf was truly a changed man and through persistence, won me back. We've been together 9 months now. He's head over heels in love and, at first, I was too.

I helped him get over the beginnings of a coke problem and during the process, discovered that he had very, very low self-esteem. I have no clue why, he had a great upbringing and he's successful, handsome, etc. Shortly after he kicked the habit, he got laid off from work. Theses successive events left him very dependent on me-- both to boost his confidence and keep him clean.

After that hiccup, we did fight and have a few weeks of 'mock breakups.' But we resolved to work through our problems and managed to rebound pretty well. He got a job and we started going back to the happy couple we once were.

Of course drama had to strike again. About 3 weeks ago, someone I considered a close friend tried to rape me. I fought him off and got out, but the trauma left me shaken to the point where I decided to go home for the summer-- meaning I would leave the state.

Well, the bf and I aren't doing so good. The weekend after I left, he called me wasted, crying, and seemingly suicidal. What happened to me has upset him so much, almost more than it upset me and he can't understand why I left-- and more importantly why I left him. That week, he also got laid off from work, making matters worse.

Honestly, I'm emotionally devoid right now and have no sex drive (another thing he can't understand). I'm content to stay away from bars and friends and everyone else except my brothers and my dog until I get my head on straight. And I just don't know what to do about the bf. I fell for him b/c he's smart, attractive, fun to be with, and treats me like gold. And he's still all those things. But with my recent trauma, I can't handle his insecurities and low self-esteem. And I really don't want to be dealing with sex right now.

So what's a girl to do? Do I dump him, do I try and talk him into taking a break, do I stick it out, or do I run screaming for the hills? I have to go back next week to get all the stuff from my apartment and meet with the District Attorney. I will inevitably have to see him then but have no idea what to do or say.

Thank you for any input and for just being an outlet for me. It's nice to vent to non-partial strangers.

[Spring Haze]

It sounds like he's in need of professional guidance. If you think the same, my suggestion is this: tell him you cannot deal with his emotional problems right now, that you want him to seek help to better himself and the relationship. But don't be harsh about it. Explain that you care, and that's why you're making this request.

His mental status really needs an overhaul, and with the recent events in your life it's already too much of a strain on him. Not to mention it is no fair to you to nurse someone's emotional state - sexually assaulted or not.

[Yggdrasil]

Tell him the truth. That you need time for yourself right now to heal from your trauma and that he has to deal with his own problems.

I don't even understand why you come here and ask a question which has an obvious answer. In my opinion, you can't be that traumatized if you manage to get onto the internet and post here, which leads me to asking: are you sure you're not using this development as an excuse to get out of a unhealthy relation?

[Doc Durian]

Everyone is different, Yggdrasil.

The obvious to you or I isn't always the obvious to another and vice versa.