Is there any hope? And in any case, what should I do?

[Leibensake]

Alright, brace yourselves, this will be a rather long story in order to get a full overview of the situation I'm in.

Two and a half years ago, when me and this girl, let's call her X for simplicity, became rather good friends at school since we already shared the same friends. We were 15 years of age at the time, now we are both 18. Around this time, I fell in love with another girl, whom was one of X's best friends. X, as the kind friend she has always been, decided to help me out with this girl, and in the meanwhile, due to group pressure and already present expectations, X herself got a boyfriend within our friend-group. A little while later, X started developing feelings for me, which is when all hell broke loose.

I did not get this second girl, even though I tried for over a year. During this year, X was in love with me and her relationship with her first boyfriend lasted only a couple of months. After I gave up on her friend, I slowly began to feel attracted myself to X, and about one and a half years ago, we entered a casual/sexual relationship with no ambitions for a later relationship (from my part). This lasted for about half a year, after which X moved to France for one year as an exchange student.

Some 6 months ago, we started talking more on MSN, and she was still in love with me, as she had been now for two years. I suggested to her that we could try and develop a relationship once she came home, as I myself was starting to feel emotionally attracted to her. However, this is when things ironically began to go downhill.

During these six months, I have been an utter douchebag. In other words, my jealousy, pride, arrogance and need for attention made small issues into big ones. I do not know how many times she cried or felt it was her fault because I became angry due to my jealousy whenever she went out with her own friends. Especially during the last two months she had in France, things got turbulent. I said many times that we should just drop our relationship, and I acted like an idiot. There are so many things I said and did that I cannot now forgive myself for. However, she was still in love with my, and was optimistic that everything would be resolved once she got home.

She got home last friday, and we hooked up at my place the next day, during which we both had sex and had our first kiss. The following week she spent contacting people she hadn't met in a year, including her family, which is when my jealousy flared up again.

We decided to meet last Thursday, and she was optimistic that we could come to terms as things had been turbulent recently (or so her sister told me). However, in front of both her and her sister, I was a douchebag again, and I left as the moron I am, hopelessly believing that I was the one to be pitied. This was the last drop for X.

According to her sister, she became angry, sad, and she cried and was really upset. After pestering her with text-messages, she finally said that she now wanted just a friendly relationship with me, she was tired of my jealousy and everything that I had done. This is when I realized how wrong I had been.

I visited her yesterday to try and make up things. After all, she still said she had feelings for me, she was unsure about whether to enter a relationship with me or not. In any case, I came to her place and we talked, though she did not want to talk. I talked and I talked, I apologized, and just as I cannot say how sorry I am now, it was impossible yesterday as well. I realized how much of a douche I had been, and that if she would give me a second chance, I swore that I will never ever behave like I had again.

Unfortunately, she says she is still unsure. She seems rather pissed, actually, having me around. She was optimistic for 2 1/2 years, and especially the last six months about the two of us, however, after what happened on Thursday, she said she had lost all the lust for our relationship. I have tried to talk with her as much as possible, but she says she needs time for herself. I do not know what this means. Today, she even told me to leave her alone, and that she would contact me once she had decided what to do, and that nothing of what I say or do will make any difference.

I am perfectly aware that I have behaved in ways no one ever should have. After what happened, I have begun to re-examine myself, and I stand by it when I say I will never, ever behave like this again if I am given another chance. However, the whole situation seems hopeless. It went from her being naïvely optimistic and in love with me, to the opposite. Only now do I realize how much I love her, but I have no idea how to get another chance and what to do.

So what do you think? Do I at all deserve a second chance? And do you think she will give it to me?

Furthermore, is ''needing time for herself'' something uniquely negative? I immediately assumed that this was more or less the end, however, for all I know, she actually does need time for herself to judge whether or not she wants me or not. Should I leave her alone until she contacts me again? Should I still seem interested full-time?

There are so many questions I believe only she can answer, but as I said, she does not want to talk with me for the time being, so I will have to judge the outcome by your advices and experiences if you would like to share them. She says she still have feelings for me, but she also says she is terribly unsure. Moreover, she ignores me now, at least for the time being.

Thanks to everyone in advance.

[Frank Lee Blunt]

Hi Leibensake,

It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of the things you are doing wrong. Jealousy and needing constant attention are always big turn offs for women, whether they are 18 or 38.

I am willing to bet that if you reflect on the times she has seemed most attracted to you, it was when you were confident in yourself and had other things going on in your life. Or even when you were pursuing other girls.

When she becomes the center of your universe, you put a huge amount of pressure on her with the jealousy and constant texts, need for attention, etc. You do seem to have more understanding than most 18 yr olds about the things you are doing to lower her interest level, even a better understanding than I did at that age.

Give her some space, that's all she wants. Be confident, be funny, seem indifferent, be yourself. Don't try to guilt her or pressure her in any way and you'll be fine.

Regards,

Frank