Finally gave her the axe, did I do the right thing?

[soulsurvivor23]

I posted my story here before twice, so I won't repeat it. I can give background info later if necessary.

So basically, before today I was wanting to just tell her to **** off but never really having the ability to do that.

Then yesterday I had had enough. I called her up and I was pissed, I wanted answers right then and there. I pretty much said, do you love me? She said yes. I said, are you sure about that? She said yes, i'm sure. I said, how much do you love me? She said, I love you more than words can describe, you know that. I was like, ok... so my next question is, do you love me enough that if given the option between him or me, you would choose me? Her response was, can we talk about something else? I was like, no. Answer the question. So she says, you know i'd love to be with you but because of the circumstances i can't. There are some circumstances that I can't tell you about but they are preventing it from happening.. Then I said, ok. I hope you're happy with that choice.

Then she says, choice? What are you talking about? And I said the question I just asked you wasn't hypothetical.. It's either you choose to be with me or you choose to stay with him, you can't have both. And I won't continue to give you my friendship and my unconditional love to someone who doesn't feel like i'm worth it either. Then she started cry and was like, please don't do this... this is not what I want.. And I said, you know what I want, and you know what i've wanted for a long time now... and since that's not what you want, then there's no place for me in your life anymore. Goodbye.

So, I feel as though I did the right thing, but the way she got so emotional made me feel as though I should've tried harder or said something different. But I don't know, confused.

[Bumble_bee]

way to go!

I'm curious if she were to call you and tell you she wants to be with you, would you have her?, how long would you be willing to wait for that call?

[ecojeanne]

you did the right thing, Go you!!!! well done!

[soulsurvivor23]

way to go!

I'm curious if she were to call you and tell you she wants to be with you, would you have her?, how long would you be willing to wait for that call?

That's a very good question. I'd say if she called me sometime this week and told me she ended things with him and she wanted to be with me, i'd give it strong consideration. Anytime after that and I don't think so.

[DelicateRose88]

That's a very good question. I'd say if she called me sometime this week and told me she ended things with him and she wanted to be with me, i'd give it strong consideration. Anytime after that and I don't think so.

I think you definitely did the right thing! She was not giving you your place in her life, keeping you on the side like that. And let me be frank, you can love more than one person at the same time but you CANNOT be IN LOVE with more than one person. If she was claiming to love you soooo much but couldn't committ to you after whatever it is you two went through, I'd say there's a disconnect between what she says and what she does.

As for whether or not you'd take her back if she calls, I'd say this: people who get broke nup with are allllllllll about what I term "grand gestures" which is pretty much them doing anything and everything they know will make you remember their "good" qualities knowing that you're in a vulnerable state, emotionally. Don't know if I'm making much sense but yeah. . .

[soulsurvivor23]

Not quite sure if i'm understanding what you're saying but, are you saying that even if she did break up with her bf promptly, it still wouldn't be a good idea for me to date her? Just curious if that's what you meant. Because if so, I actually agree now after further thought about it. If after 3 months of knowing how I feel it would literally take me shutting her out before she would be willing to end things with him, then she's not worth it.

[DelicateRose88]

Not quite sure if i'm understanding what you're saying but, are you saying that even if she did break up with her bf promptly, it still wouldn't be a good idea for me to date her? Just curious if that's what you meant. Because if so, I actually agree now after further thought about it. If after 3 months of knowing how I feel it would literally take me shutting her out before she would be willing to end things with him, then she's not worth it.

Yeah, that is pretty much what I am saying. Why? Because any "grand gesture" type moves that she might make like "crying on the phone" as you say she did, for example, or calling more often than she used to, etc. are done in a last minute attempt to take advantage (even if not maliciously or conscientiously) of your vulnerable state.

And I agree, she clearly just expected you to always be around, that's called taking someone for granted. And, she pretty much disrespected you as a human being, let alone as a boyfriend by doing whatever she did to keep you around so long (Which, dude, I have to say. . .why would you stay in that type of relationship anyway? Why would you want to be a girl's second best like that? You deserve better. Why get involved with a girl who already has a man and who, clearly, stil has much stronger feelings for him? Just saying. . .) and that is called manipulation.

Good move, I think, on your part to finally "give her the axe." Give yourself a bit more worth. Kudos on the backbone.

[soulsurvivor23]

Ok, a very VERY brief summary once again for those who didn't see the first 2:

- I meet this girl around last November.
- We start out as friends and things progress kinda slowly.
- March of this year feelings started to develop.
- So we spend more time together, go out sometimes, talk on the phone every night and every morning.
-So early April I decide to ask her to make it official. And then she tells me about this long distance BF that she's had on and off for 2 years.. That was SOOO outta the blue and i was hurt and angered by it, so we didn't talk for like 2-3 weeks.
- Then she showed up at my house.. And we kind of kissed and made up. Literally... (yeah my moment of weakness I know)
-Then things started to progress as they were before... but then I was pretty much like hey wait a minute, what about your bf?
- Long story short she said he's still with her and that she "can't" break up with him.

Which brings us to the point where we're at currently. 2 days ago I told her pretty much it's him or me, you can't have both. And when she repeated that "can't" break up with him line I had enough and more or less said i hope you're happy with that choice cuz that's the last you'll hear from me.

And since that time she's been blowing up my phone, leaving me a million and one messages, and it's been hard to ignore but i'm trying to stay strong with that.

[LoveFish]

I think you made a right decision to break things off with her. It's not fair for you to have to deal with someone who has feelings for another person. She can't have the best of both worlds. It doesn't work like that.

I wonder if she has told her long distance BF about you?

What are the circumstances that she can't tell you about? That seems a little shady doesn't it? If she lvoes you why can't she be open?

Seems like she really does have feelings for you though. If you love her be open to talking to her again but don't let your emotions get the better of you.

[soulsurvivor23]

^^ To answer your questions:

Yes I do love her, that's why in a situation where everything tells me I should've left 3 months ago and not looked back, it still took me this long and I already have regrets.

The long distance BF, she has told him about me. I'm not sure how much she has told him (definitely not everything, otherwise I don't see him staying with her) but he most definitely knows about me. In fact, i'm pretty much the reason they got back together. I don't know this for a fact, but from what I gathered is that he wasn't treating her well and he's been the one who keeps breaking up with her and then asking for her back. Then when he found out about me it seems that's when he decided to get his act together and beg to have her back.

As for the circumstances, I have no idea what they are I wish she would've told me. And I told her exactly what you just said "if you love me, why can't you be open with me." It wasn't like i'm some Joe Schmoe she just met on the street asking her personal business. It is someone who loves her and has spent months proving i'm someone she can trust and depend on. But, I guess the "circumstances" will always be a mystery.

And yeah it does seem like she has feelings for me. I mean everytime I'm with her things just feel right, and I get the vibe that she feels the same way. However, no matter how well things are going she keeps repeating that she "can't" break up with him... She basically tells me that I need to be her friend right now, and that he could break up with her at anytime so we never know the future. And i'm like... so you want me to be the ****ing backup guy for whenever that happens? This dude calls her like once a week, at best. He doesn't do have the shit I did for her, and the only time he cares at all is when he thinks she might leave him for someone else, and yet she HAS to stay with him. It just makes absolutely no sense.

[aston]

Move on and find some1 better honestly been there b4 and they'll always stay wit the bf! you'll find some1 who does want to be with u but until u do go out and enjoy urself and enjoy finding that some1

[soulsurvivor23]

I really appreciate all the advice in here.. It's just that right now, currently, i'm hurting and I have a hard time envisioning myself with another woman. So I guess for now I just need some time to myself. Every second I think about her though, how she's doing, what she's feeling, and I really want to contact her.

[DelicateRose88]

I really appreciate all the advice in here.. It's just that right now, currently, i'm hurting and I have a hard time envisioning myself with another woman. So I guess for now I just need some time to myself. Every second I think about her though, how she's doing, what she's feeling, and I really want to contact her.

You're going to be hurting for quite some time if this is someone who you are so in love with. All the advice you receive is easier said than done. Won't be better today, tomorrow, or even the next day but it will be.

Just make sure whatever decision you do make, you feel peace about. Whether that be to stay away or contact her. =]

[soulsurvivor23]

Well here's my thing with that.. As we were talking and interacting I was growing increasingly uneasy with the fact that in spite of us getting closer and closer, there was still a long distance bf that she
was claiming as hers.. While I seemed to be treated as the unofficial fill-in bf that performs all the duties that he hasn't been doing.

So.. at that point (2 days ago) I really felt that I was never gonna feel ok with her having this long distance bf while I was supposed to stick around in hopes that one day break up.. Especially without her telling me the degree of seriousness of her relationship with him and not really filling me in on any of the details other than the length of time (2 years).

So right now I don't know what feeling is worse, having her as somewhat of a platonic friend or the feeling of not having her in my life at all. That's what i've been silently debating about for the past couple of days since it happened.

[ecojeanne]

keep strong, she is just trying to hang on to you as a back up. seriously don't allow her to do that to you. you should keep saying to yourself you deserve better. just imagine how her current bf would feel if he knew and if you continued with her even if she broke up with him..she has the ability to do it to you later on because she doesn't have the courage to do the right thing. keep saying to yourself that you deserve better.