Am I in the wrong here?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I don't think so, but here goes:

My girlfriend and I had a very rough final month. I got arrested(out the same day), and two weeks later her father died very suddenly. I was very supportive and took a step back when she needed to grieve with her family, I was fine taking a back seat. Then about a week and half after her father died, she told me that she's going to be practicing for her graduation recital(violin performance major), and she's going to be taking care of her mom and stuff. I told her I was there for her, whatever she needed, and then she tells me that she wants a break and we'll talk about our future together in a few weeks, or we should break up since it's "not fair to me" that she won't have as much time. Fine, so, not wanting to call it quits I opted for the "break" and that was pretty much it, no discussion of what a "break" is.

We went out for my birthday a couple weeks later but not too much talking besides that. So then about a week or so after we ate dinner, I started hanging out with one of my friends that I hadn't seen in a couple months since I moved(she was my neighbor in my apt complex, and my gf lived upstairs). She had a boyfriend of 3 years, but she said she's basically been in love w/ me since she met me, and we started hooking up. My "gf" noticed my car in the parking lot for two weeks before calling me and asking what was up. I was in the mall when she called, so I lied and said I'd been hanging out with one of our mutual friends, who I didn't know she had already talked to. I called her the next day and told her the truth, and she flipped out on me. Then she came over to pick up some stuff, and really went off, saying we were still together, and we kissed on my birthday, and we were supposed to talk later and I'm an asshole basically. She didn't talk to me or answer my texts besides my birthday, hardly.

I really do have feelings for this other girl and it's not me trying to make my ex jealous, though I guess I didn't have to park right in my normal spot in the garage(right in front of the elevator).

Guess I'm just venting, but I'd also like some opinions as to whether I'm in the wrong and if she is justified in acting like this.

[Railynn]

I don't think you were wrong in hooking up with the other girl. I'm not sure what your gf or ex gf would describe as a break but I think someone should be allowed to see other people while taking a break from their bf or gf.

I don't think it was right to lie to her about it though nor do I think it was right to hook up with someone who has a boyfriend. Getting with someone who has a boyfriend or girlfriend is tacky and bad karma!

[Rob26]

Hah! I think it serves her right.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I shouldn't have lied about it, but I only lied because I was in the middle of a department store, and I called her back and came clean. As for the new girl, I really should have just left the part about her boyfriend out, but we did, and still do have real feelings for each other, stronger than I ever had for my ex. There were just outside circumstances that made it much more difficult for her to dump her boyfriend and this story is much longer and wayyy more interesting than the one I posted. However, I do agree that it is wrong to hook up with someone elses ____friend, but he's an ass and I have 0 remorse.

Rob, I don't think it serves her right at all. I feel awful, that I hurt her like that, even if she did hurt me. While I don't think I was wrong, she was a victim of terrible circumstances all around; don't be so vindictive.

[ecojeanne]

you lied, you're wrong, end of.

and in fairness why would you hook up with someone in the same building as her, she needs time to grieve without having to have you hooking up with another in her face.

anyway you are probably both better off making a proper break up. you because then you know exactly how you stand and her to find someone who wants to give her time to get over her fathers death and show they still care-you showed no quality. you're both better off

[vashti]

not wanting to call it quits I opted for the "break"

Your options were either a break OR breaking up. You opted to not break up, so of COURSE you were wrong.

And BTW - considering her dad had only been dead for about a month, I think you have a lot of nerve expecting anything more out of her than what she was giving. I honestly can't believe you were so thoughtless and selfish.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Vashti, you really think I have a lot of nerve to expect a text or a phone call back just to say "I'm ok" or something? She said she wanted me to keep in contact with her, then ignores me.

The reason I thought it was over was because she was growing distant before any of this, and during our break conversation she was very composed and brought up the fact that we had been growing apart. There wasn't much mention, if any, about her father. If I thought it was mostly related to her father and she would come back once she had gotten over it I would have been ok with it. It really just felt like she was breaking up with me, but I didn't want to let go so I took the "break" option. If I thought that all she needed was time to get over her father then I would have gladly waited, but it seemed like that wasn't much of a factor in her decision. After a few weeks without talking I just felt like she wasn't coming back.

Is that really so thoughtless/selfish/low quality? I guess that's what I should have asked all along since I even agree I made some wrong moves. I'm really just trying to make people understand my point of view, then see if they still think I'm so selfish. I'm really not trying to beat a dead horse here, but I'm usually a rational thinker, so I don't get why it's selfish to move on when all signs are telling me that she has.

[vashti]

I don't get why it's selfish to move on when all signs are telling me that she has.

It was bad because you didn't have confirmation it was over. She was distracted by the death of her father and caring for her mother, and probably wasn't expecting that you would start sleeping with another woman since you didn't want to break up.

[Yggdrasil]

she tells me that she wants a break and we'll talk about our future together in a few weeks, or we should break up since it's "not fair to me" that she won't have as much time.

You guys had an agreement.

You didn't keep your end of the agreement. You didn't break up, meaning you agreed on giving her space.

I understand that one can 'fall in love' with someone else. I have no problems with that.. However:

You also acted (and are still acting) pretty immature. The moment you noticed you had feelings for this other girl, you should have called your (ex) g/f and talked to her about it. Instead, you didn't and went behind her back. That was a dealbreaker to her. How can she ever trust you again if you 'fall in love' with other girls when the riding gets a bit rough and you don't spend as much time together anymore? On top of that you lied to her. Tsk tsk tsk.

I don't care you try to justify it by saying: "I thought it was over, or: we didn't really discuss what a break was."

You screwed up. Simple as that. Now be a man and take responsibility for your actions.

Hope you learned your lesson and won't make the same mistakes again in the future.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This whole thing is not about getting her to take me back, and I admitted that I was wrong. My thing is that she got hysterical with me over it, basically saying that I'm a bad person(which to me is way worse than an asshole or a douchebag, etc). You say I should have called her immediately? I had been calling her for close to a month prior and didn't get a single call back or any kind of acknowledgment that I even exist to her. If she had responded with anything, I wouldn't consider starting something with another girl. I guess you are right, I am trying to justify a wrong action. My headline should have been "Am I a bad person", because there was no malicious intent and I really don't think I am one. I guess that's what I'm really looking for affirmation of here, not whether I was right or wrong.

[Yggdrasil]

You say I should have called her immediately? I had been calling her for close to a month prior and didn't get a single call back or any kind of acknowledgment that I even exist to her. If she had responded with anything, I wouldn't consider starting something with another girl.

Did you leave a message about what was going on?

Did you try texting her and / or sending an email explaining what was happening?

I don't have that information since you didn't provide it.

I'm not saying that you are bad. I'm saying you acted immature / irresponsible. You fcked up.. Shit happens. It's called life. Don't beat yourself up over it. There's no right or wrong here.

You're human... you made a booboo... big deal.

Just don't do it again if you ever end up in a similar situation.