A "good enough" relationship

[vashti]

An excerpt from the following article:

[url]http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/the-good-enough-marriage[/url]

Forty-one-year-old single mother and journalist Lori Gottlieb has written candidly of spurning "good enough" men in search of the perfect romantic mate. But in her provocative new essay for the Atlantic, Gottlieb advises singles -- especially women -- to consider settling when it comes to a love relationship, arguing it will likely lead to long-term happiness.

In her essay, Gottlieb likens a "good-enough marriage" to a small nonprofit business with a likeable mate who can problem solve. Gottlieb spoke exclusively with WebMD about the reaction it has generated.

"I've gotten quite a response, and it's been all over the map," Gottlieb tells WebMD. "Married people are very supportive of the point I am trying to make. Some single women applaud me for saying out loud what many are thinking but not saying. But many single women think it is an affront. They think it is an unpalatable challenge to an empowering world view that you can have it all."

At the heart of the "good enough" argument is that too many of us have been brainwashed into a "fairy tales and fireworks" view of romance that lacks long-term stability. Gottlieb writes that marrying Mr. Good Enough is a viable option, especially if the goal is to land a reliable life partner and create a family.

"The point of the article is not to settle for any schmo off the street, but a good guy you like, enjoy the company of, and have realistic expectations of," she says.

"If you want to be with somebody and you're holding out, you may end up with nothing," Gottlieb says. "That's the crazy-making part -- you're always comparing."

Defining the Good-Enough Marriage
London pediatrician Donald Winnicott coined the term "good-enough mother." A good-enough mother stands in contrast to a "perfect" mother. She provides a safe environment, connection, and ultimately, independence, to facilitate the child's development. A good-enough mother meets some, but not all, of her child's needs.

Can the good-enough theory apply to romantic partners as well?

"Good enough, rather than the fairy-tale model, which is a big disappointment, is a reasonable way to picture married life," says Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, WebMD's sex and relationship expert.

Katharine Parks of Chillicothe, Ohio, married John at 19 and has been happily wed for 32 years. She says the terminology is right on target. "In American society, we are always going for much more than we actually need. We're expecting too much from a relationship. I think realizing this is as 'good as it gets' and that life isn't 'once-upon-a-time' is important to building a life together."

Scott Haltzman, MD, a clinical assistant professor at Brown University's department of psychiatry and human behavior, says the issue of settling for a certain person or behavior in a relationship is one of the principles of happiness -- if you reframe it as "acceptance."

[Doc Durian]

It's true.

[Rollerderby]

I think it depends on what you are choosing to settle with.

While no one is perfect, there are some essential qualities that cannot be sacrificed, while others are certainly luxuries. You HAVE to be in love with them, and willing to accept them as they come. You shouldn't toss someone aside because they are a certain height, or have a certain hair color, but if they don't make you laugh, or are supportive, there is no reason to stay with, long-term.

I also know I might be speaking to myself in a lot of what I just wrote. :-/

[Doc Durian]

I think it depends on what you are choosing to settle with.

While no one is perfect, there are some essential qualities that cannot be sacrificed, while others are certainly luxuries. You HAVE to be in love with them, and willing to accept them as they come. You shouldn't toss someone aside because they are a certain height, or have a certain hair color, but if they don't make you laugh, or are supportive, there is no reason to stay with, long-term.

I also know I might be speaking to myself in a lot of what I just wrote. :-/

Acceptance is key.

[bluesummer]

I agree with this. Aren't most of us in good relationships technically in 'good-enough' relationships already? I mean, who among us can really say we have the most perfect, ideal partner? Looking for anything beyond that is expecting too much.

My good-enough relationship is what many people strive for. It's not fairy-tale, but I'm happy, and that's enough.

[Yggdrasil]

Good enough is good enough for me. Anything more is perfection, which is not achievable anyways.

After 25 years all I can say is: it's a lot of hard work to maintain a healthy marriage, but it gets easier in time and it pays off in the long run.

To me, my wife is more than good enough. She's everything I wanted from a partner: commited, loving, supportive, willing to work hard on our relation, independent, good communicator, openminded, spiritual, funny, good in bed, able to deal with problems and work the sollutions.. hence.. that's the jackpot right there. 25 Years to prove that.

What more does one want?

Butterflies in the stomach all the time? LOL.. doesn't work that way.

In afterthought: I came to the conclusion that I am good enough for her and she's more than good enough to me

[ecojeanne]

tbh what she is saying is what people have been saying since the beginning but in a different way.

most people agree that fairytales and hollywood have screwed up some people's idea of what they want in a partner. before hollywood there was matchmakers that put the most eligible girl and guy together from the same village whether they got on or not...almost like arranged marraiges. in some ways times were a lot simpler, not necessarily better but people accepted much easier.

[lesa]

Who dreams of a fairytale-like relationship? What fairytale goes into details of the "good" side of things. Usually it goes into details of the bad and eventually somehow they live happily ever after. Do they ever explain what is happily ever after?

You have to determine what you are willing to tolerate or not. I call that being realistic and honest with yourself. I would say that some people probably settle for less than "good enough" or what they are willing to tolerate.

[Sonrisa]

why is no one good enough for me?

[IndiReloaded]

Has this gal been around for a bit? I seem to remember reading something last year about settling for 'Mr. Good Enough'?

Anyway, its good to read someone publishing articles about reasonable standards not 'Brangelina' couples. Thanks Vash for posting that.

EDIT - yep, here we are, from 2008

[url]http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/23053553/[/url]

[starbuck]

Vash always posts good articles here on the forums.

I want to sent this to a friend of mine who needs to get it into her thick skull that she's never going to find a guy if she keeps her standards so unrealistic. She's 42 years old, but won't date a guy unless he's got a full-head of hair and dresses like a 30-year old rock star or male fashion model. He also has to be rich or have a "cool job", and like the same music as she. It's a little tragic.

[vashti]

Starbuck! Have you seen sombra yet?

[lesa]

Starbuck it doesn’t have to be tragic. The problem is when women make a whole list and expect the man to complete everything from her list. If she lists two or three things that she likes in a man (I like a man that enjoys music and is educated) that is fine and is enough for a realistic woman. You have to list something that makes you really admire that person otherwise you will settle for anything and not have a respectful relationship. She also has to understand that if her list is to have a rich full-head of hair man that dresses like a rock star that she may also end up with a man with qualities she does not like.

[starbuck]

Starbuck! Have you seen sombra yet?

Not yet. I think she's still in Connecticut maybe? We're going to hook up soon though!

[starbuck]

Starbuck it doesn’t have to be tragic. The problem is when women make a whole list and expect the man to complete everything from her list. If she lists two or three things that she likes in a man (I like a man that enjoys music and is educated) that is fine and is enough for a realistic woman. You have to list something that makes you really admire that person otherwise you will settle for anything and not have a respectful relationship. She also has to understand that if her list is to have a rich full-head of hair man that dresses like a rock star that she may also end up with a man with qualities she does not like.

I dunno, Lesa. She's 42. A good portion of the guys in her age bracket are losing their hair. I realize that she needs to find someone compatible, but personally I think her criteria is shallow, especially for someone her age.

I'm not saying she should settle for just anyone at all, but there is probably an amazing guy out there who will treat her wonderfully and respect her, but she'd most likely pass him up because he had a receding hairline. It's baffling to me.