Is having some time appart a bad thing?

[mafj99]

Hello all,

I find myself sitting here this morning not really knowing where everything is going.

A few months ago my girlfiend (of nearly two years now) and I started to go though a bit of a rock patch. We never really had a smooth start to our relationship and I think that has kind of come to a head now.

I suffer quite badly with anxiety (which is not helping at the moment ) which meant that I found it hard to open up at first when we first started dating which I started to work through and managed to get under control and things started to improve, then she had problems with where she was living and really started to get down and upset and ended up moving in with me until she found somewhere new to live.

This time that we had was very good and I think it had both positive effects and negative effects on our relationship. Either way she moved out at the end of the last year and into her own place but things never really went back to how they were.

We ended up in a pattern of just "hanging out" instead of doing anything together which obviously is not good. This come to it's peak at the start of this year when we sat down and decided things were not working since she has moved away and we are not going anywhere. So we decided that we should just stop hanging out and actually start doing things. Which is excatly what we didn't do.

Well we met up last night to have a talk as we are both not happy (this is in general, not just with the realtionship as we both seem to be in a bit of a rut in our lives). Finally we talked properly about how we both feel, and for once I was actually honest with her about I felt.

From her point of view she is tired of trying to make the relationship work all the time and feels that it shouldn't be so hard yet she loves me very much but feels that we have been robbed of all the good things at the start of a relationship with such a rocky start. She also feels that I have not been trying as I think everything is ok.

From my point of view I feel I only ever get to see her when her friend is out or at work so I feel like I don't rank high up in her priorities. I don't feel we have a proper relationship and when I do try I get knocked back which of course in turn means that I get disheartened and defensive and become distanced from her which leads to the above.

One of the hardest parts of all this is that we both love each other very much (that is not the issue) and we have times when it works great and ironcailly these seem to be the itmes when we aren't trying and they just happen which is as it should be.

I feel one of the biggest problems that we both have is that we are trying to hard to make it work as we both have pre-conceptions of how things should be instead of letting things evolve from what they are. Like I said when we are both relaxed and not got anything else going on in our minds then things work great and we have an amazing time together and things work right.

One of the biggest problems we both have is that we have ended up being co-dependant on each other over the past few months which has had a very negative effect on our relationship. This has all been caused by changes in our circumstances in our individual personal lives but we have started to rely on each other as a shield to stop us facing our demons.

With myself I suffer from agoraphobia and in the past few months my best friend has moved away from the town where I live which has been quite difficult as we used to work together but he has gone on to run a pub with his girlfiend which means that he no longer has the time to do the work we were doing. The major downside to this is that as I work for myself as a freelance programmer I have ended up becoming very lonely and depressed. From this I ended up relying on my girlfiend for company and would just go over and see her to hang out as I didn't want to be on my own all the time. With the agoraphobia it makes it very difficult to get out and do things so I have taken the easiest route to try and make myself feel better which has in turn started to backfire.

Then there is my girlffirend, who suffers from depression and social anxiety. Since she moved into her new flat with her friend she has become unhappy as she feels she is stuck in a rut. She does not like her job, struggles for money and is working through her own issues as she is unhappy in her life and feels like she is relying on me all the time and feels like she is taking advantage to keep running to me as I pander to her and try and make her feel better. This is making her feel worse about herself as she has lost her independance.

As you can probalblly see we are a right pair with many issues between us. The problem being at the moment I honestly don't think either of us is capable of having a realtionship with anybody as we have our own stuff to work out. The problem being is that deep down I think we both want this to work and know there is something there it has just been burried by all of this other stuff.

The question is that now we have finally talked proplery and addressed the real issues about what is going wrong is it too late to recover from the damage that we have both done or did we let it go to far before trying to do something?

S

[mafj99]

Well an update on the situation.

I am still feeling terrible, haven't spoken to her or really been in touch for 4 days (which granted is not that much).

She did call me late Saturday night, very upset and angry as she had thinking it was all her fault that things were not working and during our chat I told her I felt the same way but didn't want to add pressure on her as I though that she was distant because she was stressed and I didn't want to make things worse (stupid I know, but that was my mistake).

I have taken responsability for my fair share and I think she misunderstood what I was trying to tell her as she felt that I was just using her and didn't care about her. She did calm down when I explained to her that that was not what I meant when I said that when I went over sometimes it was just to see her as I wanted to see her for the sake of seeing her. In reality I meant that it was because I was unhappy and things were not going well I would rather see her and do nothing than not see her.

She feels really guilty for calling as she appologised a couple of times when I have heard from her (just brifly via a quick message saying that she hopes I am ok). I am glad she did as it gave me a chance to explain myself.

I just wish I knew what was happening, it is driving me mad. I don't want to push her or force anything but it is hard to focus on anything at the moment as I keep thinking about her. It is so hard to try and resit the temptation to call her and I keep hoping she will get in touch.

I don't think this is the end but I can see it being hard to get through. How can I make it easier? What do you do when somebody who was such a big part of your life is no longer there but you never know if you will have them back?

Some words of wisdom, advice or anything would be much apprectiated.

S

[little pingoin]

You find a forum like this and try to help other people solve their problems - it gives you an opportunity to think about something other than your own problem. (at least that seems to be what I'm doing. =)

Otherwise, I don't have a good answer for you. I know how scary it is and how sick it can make you feel. Just keep your head up and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[mafj99]

It has not been fair what I have done, having sometime to think and reflect I was not going over to see her purely as I was lonely (although I think she got that impression, I am not very good at explaining myself as I often shut people out). I was going to see her whenever I could as being with her cheered me up and I felt better when I was with her. I honestly don't think I managed to get back into a normal routine when she moved out after living with me for several months.

I started to feel that she had been distancing herself from me when she moved out as I only got to see her when her flat mate was not around most of the time. Where as before she would come over and see me every couple of weeks that stopped and she didn't come over to see me as much.

I do honestly love her, she truely makes me happy and this is just a bad patch. I would do anything for her and that is where the problem partially lies as she feels she has become dependant on me which she hates as she feels it is holding her back and stopping her standing on her own two feet.

I do need to stand up and not wimp out, I also need to be there as a sholder to lean on when she needs it but not carry her as that makes her feel worse.

It has only been a few days and it is very difficult but I am hoping that the time appart will enable us both to stand on our own two feet instead of using each other to avoid facing up to our demons.

Only time will tell what happens, I know it wil be hard but if everytime something goes wrong I run and shove my head in the sand then I am not going to be helping her. I do need to be a rock and make her happy by just being me rather than trying to be who I think she needs me to be as quite clearly that is not the case.

Thank you for your wise words, it has given me plenty to think about. I think I still have a fighting chance of getting her back but I need to make sure I don't make the same mistakes.

S