Jealousy

[SouthwestGuy]

Hell everyone... I need some advice.

I have an issue that is causing problems in my relationship. I get upset when her attention is not 100% on me. I know its wrong, and I still do it.

I love this girl and I dont know how to fix this. Does anyone have some wise words?

[little pingoin]

[url]http://books.google.com/books?id=CF52zJBihNsC&dq=desperate+for+attention+t herapy&source=gbs_navlinks_s[/url]

[SouthwestGuy]

That book seems to be designed for a therapist. How is that practical for me? I am an airline pilot, not a therapist.

[little pingoin]

I did a search for a book that might help you, and that's what came up. I haven't read it though. That was entirely useless of me. I'm sorry.

Fact is, I don't know if anyone can tell you how not to do something you already know you're not supposed to be doing.

First, you need to find out why you require her undivided attention. Did you feel neglected as a youth? Do you feel you don't receive enough appreciation for the things you do? Are you afraid that if her attention isn't on you, it'll be directed toward other men?

In my experience, once you find out why you do something it's easier to work on correcting the behavior.

[SouthwestGuy]

Well, I know why it is.

I was married once before. My wife cheated on me with men and women. I was oblivious to it for the longest time, though I think deep down I knew things were going on. After giving tons of chances, I could not take the heart break anymore. I left and filed for a divorce.

I did not ask why at first. After our divorce, I stupidly continued to fly to see her and stay with her much of the month. I was trying to stay her husband though we were divorced. Finally one night, I asked her why she did what she did. She told me she had needs that I could not fulfill. Talk about a kick in the head!

She told me that I should have seen it coming. Once a woman starts dedicating her attention to others, she is pretty much done with the person she is with. So, I guess I look for that to happen now.

I get jealous about the stupidest things. No, I dont stalk her or start screaming like a mad man, but she can tell I am not happy about something. And after the argument takes place, I kick myself over and over and ask myself why I could not just keep my mouth shut and smile and act like I am OK with whatever is going on.

That is my dilemma and what I am trying to fix within myself. I am not one to keep my mouth shut when I am not happy about something in a relationship.

I love this girl, and I love her daughter like she were my own. I just want to fix this and find it within my heart to be more secure in my relationship. Honestly, she has never given me a reason to not be secure. She is always honest and not a girl that plays games.

[little pingoin]

Therein lies your problem. You're focusing on a symptom of the cheating instead of the cause.

Your wife was wrong to blame her cheating on you. The choice to cheat lies squarely upon the shoulders of the cheater. She had some growing up to do, and there wasn't anything you could have done to stop her from doing it.

You tried to stay with her even after you knew about the cheating so what good would have knowing the warning signs done for you anyway?

My ex-husband and I married young, had a child, and tried to raise a family. He was a virgin before me and not much of a social butterfly. We had a lot of problems because he felt he never went through his 'party phase'. For two years after we divorced he did nothing but drink, do drugs and have random sex. To this day, he says it wasn't worth it, but there wasn't anything anyone could tell him at the time to dissuade him from walking that path.

So stop focusing on the symptoms of an unfaithful relationship because there are an awful lot of them out there, and focusing on all of them is just going to wear you out. If your girl has a good head on her shoulders and you keep the lines of communication open, you have nothing to worry about.

[SouthwestGuy]

I know it... that is what I am trying to fix in my heart.

I HATE having arguments about anything, and I hate feeling jealous.

[Gigabitch]

Well, everyone has arguments. Everyone. The best you can do is learn to argue without seriously damaging your relationship. Best to just accept this.

I agree completely with little p up there. Your wife cheated because she's a cheater, not because of you. My husband's dick could fall off and I STILL would not cheat on him because I am not a cheater. Your ex has a massive character flaw that you don't seem to want to acknowledge. It seems like you're showing the distrust and anger to your new girlfriend that by all rights belongs to your ex.

Do you have some unfinished business, perhaps, with your ex? Is it possible that you need to tell her she's a cheating whore and she broke your heart, thereby making it easier to differentiate between her and All Women?

If so, can I watch? Cheating pisses me off.

[SouthwestGuy]

Do you have some unfinished business, perhaps, with your ex? Is it possible that you need to tell her she's a cheating whore and she broke your heart, thereby making it easier to differentiate between her and All Women?

Been there and done that. I have told her. She admits it, minus the whore part. But.. I still say she is a whore!

If so, can I watch? Cheating pisses me off.

Sure, but all it gets is her screaming and yelling and going crazy. Not a pretty sight!

[Gigabitch]

Speak for yourself. Me, I would watch the Hollering Whores channel for entertainment.

Now, has your new girl given you ANY reason whatsoever to think she might stray? I ask because very often, people go out and find another one just like the last one when they break up. Can you trust her?

[little pingoin]

Duck tape will fix that!

[SouthwestGuy]

Now, has your new girl given you ANY reason whatsoever to think she might stray? I ask because very often, people go out and find another one just like the last one when they break up. Can you trust her?

I believe, in my brain, that I can trust her. She has been single for some time.

Its convincing my heart that is the problem.

[SouthwestGuy]

Duck tape will fix that!

hahahaha

Isn't there a law against that?

[Gigabitch]

Maybe you should imagine yourself slapping her every time you do something that expresses distrust, since you're effectively crumbling the foundation of trust you need to build a relationship on. The mental image should be quite jarring- enough to stop you.

[SouthwestGuy]

Maybe you should imagine yourself slapping her every time you do something that expresses distrust, since you're effectively crumbling the foundation of trust you need to build a relationship on. The mental image should be quite jarring- enough to stop you.

I may just have to give that a try!