Understanding

[Mish]

Sometimes we spend so much time hating on others without looking for deeper reasons why these people act the way they do or indeed why we hate on them in the first place. I'm not talking about the very few individuals in the world who actually deserve it, but every day people in our lives who for majority of time have done nothing that would warrant it. For example, I can't stop hating this girl at work who ignores me, while myself ignoring (as I realized) the personal circumstances in her life that may be making her act this way. I probably won't be able to understand her circumstances sufficiently because she had pretty much cut all roads of communication. Which is sad, because I really don't want to be angry at her. Hoping that one day I will understand I decided to create a thread where we can talk about people we do understand, of which others may not.

There are a couple of friends on LF who I've noticed are often misunderstood. Sometimes because of the hastiness of their response, sometimes because of their defensiveness. Don't be quick to judge them. They don't do it because they are bad people, but because certain life experiences unfortunately teach us to be hasty or defensive. After a certain time, it becomes a habit which is hard to shake off. Unfortunately there is a correlation between behavior and life experience and certain life experiences influence us in the most unfortunate ways. Since I don't want to name any names, I'll bring myself as an example. I don't want any special considerations from anyone because my life wasn't bad and because I can stand my own ground. But sometimes those habits picked up when I was a nobody in an unknown country, in a dysfunctional home with no support system or language skills, do show. Yeh sometimes on some subconscious level and very briefly I do feel like an unwelcome outsider looking in (skill I picked thanks to those moments in the past) and it can be scary and very hard to shake off. But I'm nothing special, like I said it wasn't so bad for me. There are others who had it much much worse and personally I can't begin to imagine how hard to adjust it must be for them sometimes, how deep and penetrating criticism is felt by them and what it does to their confidence and self esteem.

So when someone snaps for an unknown reason, or is just being difficult, or overly defensive don't push them over the edge. You may not sufficiently understand where they are coming from, but if you knew you would understand and you wouldn't do it. You may say, but I've had it a lot worse and I don't do it. Well, if you did have it a lot worse and you don't do it then show that you are a bigger person by not retaliating. This world has enough of condemnation, judgment and criticism, it doesn't need any more. What this world needs is more understanding and respect for others because only when we truly understand and respect others can we fully understand and respect ourselves.

"No law or ordinance is mightier than understanding" ~ Plato

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ~ Carl Gustav Jung

"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving." ~
Dale Carnegie

-Peace-

[ecojeanne]

aw mish, this is what i've been sayiing all along, people have problems others may not see and to cut some slack especially when they come looking for help. you're a good un mish

i've found IRL by me not reacting; not mirroring their responses (which most people do out of either self preservation of their ego or hurt) actually helps dissipate the wall that builds up.

[Disillusioned]

Mistake after disappointment after failure I've learned that between two human beings there can be a superficial understanding at best. If a superficial understanding is good enough for you it shouldn't be too disappointing to be misunderstood. The problem with judging people is the projection of your own perspective and values onto them and the assumption that what you do is "righter" than what they do. It's your call. Sometimes the judgements are well warranted, sometimes they're premature and reactive.

[misombra]

"if we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."

-henry wadsworth longfellow.

[bluesummer]

I totally agree, Mish. I've been trying to work on this myself, I used to be very judgmental of people instead of trying to understand where they're coming from. I think that side does still come out from time to time, but I'm learning that a little empathy can go a long way.

I deal with it a lot at work....angry people. It's hard not to judge people coming into a bank and acting irrationally over amounts of money that are insignificant to me. My first thought is to write them off as trailer trash losers, but then I always remind myself that they are people too and I don't know what circumstances landed them where they are. I learned if I empathize and really listen to them, there's ALWAYS a source to their outburst....something bad that's happened that day, or just generally bad circumstances (a big one right now is people losing their jobs because of the economy), and when you really listen you can see things through their eyes.

I TRY to understand people on here too. There's a lot of times I've bitten my lip and walked away from a thread or a comment that really annoyed the shit out of me. I try to see other peoples points of view and realize they are entitled to an opinion alternate to mine, but it's hard when people attack or pick apart what you say. I know I need to just ignore it 99% of the time. You're right, we don't understand the circumstances under which their opinions and attitudes were formed, and we have no right to write them off as jerks, stupid, or ignorant.

[CocoChanel]

Wow Mishanya. I am speechless. This is well said and I agree with you.
It was like reading an excerpt out of my biography.

[DoesntMatter]

You're sweet Mish....

[Sonrisa]

I'll name names - Indi and Eco. sometimes we wish they would get strangled, but then once you get to know them and their lives, that strange desire slowly fades away. Keyword slowly.

I am having possibly the worst time of my life at work. Too much tension, too many arguments.

And then I find out that our dear friend is in ICU with muscular dystrophy, not able to move or talk any longer. leaving 6 year old beautiful twins and husband behind. there are no troubles that exist for us that could compare to what their family is going through right now.

[Lipp]

Can I still hate uni students who have it easy and still complain?

[DoesntMatter]

Lipp is a swell guy

[Lipp]

lol, I think you're talking about me

Apparently it is easy to get into a top ranked medical school. Fancy that

Maybe if you came here you'd have a little bit more of a difficult time yourself. Our architecture program is ranked 1 worldwide. It would probably tear you down

No, it's not about you, it's about some of the aussie students over here who still live at home, don't need to work, and pay 1/5th of the tuition fees (which their parents probably pay anyhow).

[IndiReloaded]

I am having possibly the worst time of my life at work. Too much tension, too many arguments.

And then I find out that our dear friend is in ICU with muscular dystrophy, not able to move or talk any longer. leaving 6 year old beautiful twins and husband behind. there are no troubles that exist for us that could compare to what their family is going through right now.

That sucks Dig. When is your holiday?

Oh and this thread?

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOch5MKFkjE&feature=related"]YouTube - Kum Ba Ya[/ame]

[Sonrisa]

my holiday is on August 31st. can't wait

[IndiReloaded]

That's just 4 weeks to go. Hang in there.

[Sonrisa]

Thank you, Indi. It's kinda hard when everyone around is on drugs and completely oblivious most of the time.