Is trust really the "be all or end all" of a relationship?

[will2992]

Firstly let me say my story (its on here in broken hearts forum but will give you quick taster).

Was with my girlfriend for a year, was awesome. I did a stupid thing at the start of the relationship by texting another girl my number (who i had previous relations with). Completely forgot about the incident as was too caught up in love with my new girl. Time passed and eventually she discovered these messages in my emails (nosey little bugger). She asked me about it, i genuinely forgot about them but she didn't believe that and because of my past (cheated alot when i was young) she couldn't trust me, so we split up.

It's been over a month now since the breakup and although she has got a new boyfriend and start sleeping with him i have still tried to win her heart back. And it has worked, we've started seeing each other more and she does believe i still love her, she loves me and does want to be with me but says the trust just won't appear.

So is trust seriously the be all or end all in starting fresh? Or should some people just take the plunge and try regain the trust while in the relationship? Because as far as i'm concerned, i can't show her she can trust me if we aren't together

[Gigabitch]

You can show her you have personal integrity without being together. Why don't you start by respecting the relationship she has with this other guy? Don't you see? You're behaving abominably by going with her behind his back. It shows how weaselly you are. If I can see it, I'm sure she can too.

[Car Chick]

Sounds like your reaping what you sowed. I think she'd be smart to leave you and never talk to you again. Your a cheater. You don't love her or you wouldn't have cheated on her. You love you and that's it. Leave this forum for people genuinly seeking love advice, not looking for an excuse to play the field.

[Seradin DaCuir]

Firstly let me say my story (its on here in broken hearts forum but will give you quick taster).

Was with my girlfriend for a year, was awesome. I did a stupid thing at the start of the relationship by texting another girl my number (who i had previous relations with). Completely forgot about the incident as was too caught up in love with my new girl. Time passed and eventually she discovered these messages in my emails (nosey little bugger). She asked me about it, i genuinely forgot about them but she didn't believe that and because of my past (cheated alot when i was young) she couldn't trust me, so we split up.

It's been over a month now since the breakup and although she has got a new boyfriend and start sleeping with him i have still tried to win her heart back. And it has worked, we've started seeing each other more and she does believe i still love her, she loves me and does want to be with me but says the trust just won't appear.

So is trust seriously the be all or end all in starting fresh? Or should some people just take the plunge and try regain the trust while in the relationship? Because as far as i'm concerned, i can't show her she can trust me if we aren't together

"Trust is easy to attain, even easier to lose, and most difficult to get back."

Depends on your value of the relationship. If it's worth it and there is value at getting there, then you will work to get that trust back. The challenge is "both" of you must work on that trust, not just one of you. It will never work out if that happens. Lots of talking/communicating and even possibly professional help.

[dimwit]

Trust can only build up in one way, and we all know if we are taking that road or not.

Some shortcuts have been made in your relationship and while it is not impossible to rebuild trust, it will take time. But most of all, you will have to do it the right way. Because there is only one way.

Both of you will have to commit - meaning, she gets out of what she is in and you stay with her (messages and all).

But, yes, trust does matter. It builds intimacy. Intimacy has a lot of functions, I think. In sex, friendship, and love between to people and their ability to fulfill each other.

Another questions is....how do you feel, that she moved on so quickly? Not that she did not have the right, but it must have had an effect on you as well.

It takes a while before wounds are healed and it sure takes a lot of will, because you and she need to stay on the road and take no detours.

...and she may have a need to vent and explain and analyze...over and over...we tend to do that to get things out of our system.

Not sure what to tell you... but yes, trust is one of the core pillars of a relationship

[will2992]

Sounds like your reaping what you sowed. I think she'd be smart to leave you and never talk to you again. Your a cheater. You don't love her or you wouldn't have cheated on her. You love you and that's it. Leave this forum for people genuinly seeking love advice, not looking for an excuse to play the field.

Firstly the texts were completely innocent, just simply saying "hi, how are you?" etc etc. And i am a believer that you can be friends after a relationship, so please don't jump the gun about me. Yes i cheated on past girlfriends and i will admit i am not proud of it, it was stupid and childish, but thats what i was. A stupid child!

I am not playing this "field" actually. I am admitting my wrong doing, you have heard the phrase "you don't know what you had until you lost it"? Well thats where i stand. This girl is the start of a new life for me, she has changed my views on life, women and everything with such positivity. I just want to show her. She has said she is ending it with this other guy also so we can remain good friends and just let it go from there. She is still the only girl in my thoughts and i have no intention of meeting other girls while she is still in my life.

[Raze]

I believe that trust is the very foundation of a relationship. Without trust, there is no relationship. How can you be with someone who you can't trust? Once you lose trust, it's very difficult to get it back.

[will2992]

I believe that trust is the very foundation of a relationship. Without trust, there is no relationship. How can you be with someone who you can't trust? Once you lose trust, it's very difficult to get it back.

yes i believe it is also the foundation of any relationship. But what i'm asking is can it be brought back? With my situation, is it really THAT bad to lose all her trust in me?

[Raze]

yes i believe it is also the foundation of any relationship. But what i'm asking is can it be brought back? With my situation, is it really THAT bad to lose all her trust in me?

Short answer: yes

[vashti]

I will play the devil's advocate and say I think it is possible she overreacted. You say the text messages were benign, and you didn't actually ever cheat on her? If there was no other evidence that this behavior was characteristic for you, then I probably would have overlooked it. Are you sure there was no other reason she may have wanted to unload you? What is the timing like (for example - got together in late January, texted other girls in early Feb, she found out in November, etc...)

[will2992]

We got together 24th September, text Girl 25th october she found out 6th July (roughly)

Like i said it was all innocent texting and through the month we were together i showed her nothing but love. Even all her friends and my friends have told her how different i acted with her compared to old relationships (in a good way of course)

[MrNiceGuy]

Sounds like your reaping what you sowed. I think she'd be smart to leave you and never talk to you again. Your a cheater. You don't love her or you wouldn't have cheated on her. You love you and that's it. Leave this forum for people genuinly seeking love advice, not looking for an excuse to play the field.

Nice post.

[vashti]

We got together 24th September, text Girl 25th october she found out 6th July (roughly)

Like i said it was all innocent texting and through the month we were together i showed her nothing but love. Even all her friends and my friends have told her how different i acted with her compared to old relationships (in a good way of course)

The content of the messages (as your portray it) sounds benign. It makes me think there is more to her story. I mean, I "hi, how are you" isn't exactly steamy... I don't know what her problem is, but clearly I am in the minority.

how long did you date before you became exclusive?

[will2992]

We were seeing each other for about 2-3 weeks before being exclusive. I think it was just because my past relations with the girl and the fact i didn't tell her.

She's finally admitted fault for leaving me over something like this, but still doesn't know if she can regain trust in me

[vashti]

I personally wouldn't allow her to use this as a tool for manipulating you. You did something relatively benign very early on in the relationship, and never stepped further over the line. On a scale of 1-10 on the bad behavior scale, I would say this only ranks a one or two. Additionally, you haven't done it again in 8 months. This (to me) is a big who-the-f- cares event, but many girls would browbeat you over it. I suggest you take your lumps for a finite length of time, and then tell her to get over herself. She is actually fcuking someone else, while you are sitting back worried about a "how are you" phone call from nearly a year ago.