Depressed boyfriend

[typh]

Hi all. Don't normally do things like this, but struggling to know what else to do right now to be honest. Need some impartial advice

First things first: I'm 19 and my boyfriend (that's same-sex - sadly relevant to the story) is 17 in a couple of weeks. I've been with him for nearly 3 years now and I still feel deeply in love with him.

About a year ago his parents (who have never approved of us, since it's obviously all my fault he's gay) decided to try and get rid of me by reporting me to the police, claiming I'd had underage sex with him and accusing me of being a paedophile and grooming him. Not a pleasant accusation I know, and while the police eventually cleared me of all accusations I was forbidden from seeing him for that time - we were best friends before about 2 years before we even started going out, and we were used to see each other 4-5 times a week, even just hanging out like mates, so this certainly was very difficult to get used to.

His parents responded to the police's refusal to charge me with anything by telling his whole family about us and generally emotionally bullying. I apologise for not going into more detail there, but not only do I not want this thread to be about then, I can't talk about it without getting very bitter about their frankly disgusting abuse of their son's emotions (see :p). The basic point is that he had a history of getting bullied throughout school and it was very difficult for him to take. He refused to live with his parents anymore and told me that he needed some time to himself to try and sort his head out - that he didn't want to lose me again so he wanted to keep in contact by texting me, but that for a couple of months he wanted to avoid seeing me. I guess I was a little hurt by this but I agreed to for his sake.

Problem is this was last September. And I've seen him once since.

His parents continued to give him abuse because he continued to text me (and they were of course completely the victims in all this), and he was recently diagnosed with depression. This gives me a bit of a dilemma. Ironically I'm currently doing a degree in Psychology so I know all about this, and I know that his behaviour isn't personal, but he's still hurting me. He goes for many days, occasionally even weeks without texting me, and he claims that while he loves me and misses me like hell that it's too painful for him to see me right now.

My question is: should I stick by him or move on? It's been nearly a year of this now and I'm torn - it isn't really his fault he's acting like this, it's "normal" taking into account his condition, but it's still really hurting me. I wouldn't say I'm putting my life on hold for him - I commute to Uni and enjoy my time there and with my friends, and I'm hardly turning down plenty of cute guys to stay with him :p and I definitely still love him as much as I ever have. I guess part of me is determined to show his family that they can't just get rid of me either.

Thanks for your time

[lloydburns]

Wow! What a pickle here. I feel you are placed in a very unfair situation, and his parents aren't helping.

I also have depression, and my girlfriend sticks by me through thick and thin. I guess you really need to ask yourself, is it really possible for you to carry on a relationship when you don't see him? He states that he needs a few MONTHS to clear his head? (I'm sorry typh, but seriously, that is crazy.) With depression, the majority of people need the comfort of 'close people' to talk to.

I feel that you are a caring person, and if I were in your position, I would take some time talking to someone you are close to (Your main support group - friends, family, etc). From what you have said, you seem to be messed about here.
And is it really worth the worry and risking your education?

But...You obviously love him, and you really need to talk to him (somehow) face-to-face and ask him a very simple question, "Do you actually want to be with me?". You need to know for sure your not being messed around here.

I can't read too much into your current situation because I don't know the in's and out's. So try a couple of approaches;
Maybe try speaking to his parents
Try getting your parents involved
Get to talk to you partner face-to-face
(Easier said than done I suppose)

Hope this has helped
Thanks,
Lloyd

[vashti]

You aren't his therapist. it is not your responsibility to make excuses for his bad behaviors - it is your job to decide whether or not he can add something of value to your life. It doesn't sound to me like he can, regardless of the reason. He isn't participating in your life enough to make an impact. I think you should think about moving on...

As for his parents - well, you started dating him when he was 14. Were they supposed to be happy? Most parents wouldn't be.