Are older men afraid of being friends with a woman half their age??

[Rachael84]

Ok, so here's my story and some background information. It's a bit lengthy though--

I love being friends with those much older than my age because I feel I have a lot more in common with them. My family has always told me I'm like a grandma stuck in a younger person's body and an old soul. I get along a lot better with those a lot older than me, so I really love making older friends.

Now onto the story...

I took the subway to work this past year. There was this guy smiling at me sometimes, and randomly one day he asked me if I were a teacher. Turns out he taught about 3 stops from my school. We began talking nearly everyday if we saw one another. He'd go out of his way on the train to come talk to me. Sometimes I felt he was being overly friendly, which made me uncomfortable since I was engaged to get married (Got married a month ago ). Turns out he's around 50, is married and has a younger teenage son. He had told me he really wants to transfer out of his school because of the bad Principal, so he tried really hard to get into my school. I gave him my email so he could send his resume. I responded back to him asking if he wants to hand-deliver it to my Principal. He responded back that night telling me to call him and gave me his cell and home number...I thought, ok...this is a little strange I don't know why he couldn't just say ok, see you tomorrow in the email (wouldn't it seem strange for a 25 year old woman calling a 50 year old married guy at night anyway?). I didn't call because I felt that was strange. He asked me the following morning why I didn't call him, so I told him it was late or whatever. Maybe I'm taking that in the wrong way, but it just seems weird to me. There were also a lot of occasions where he was obviously "looking" at me. It was flattering, but felt a little uncomfortable. We talked about regular things; like music, the economy, teaching, etc. Every now and then we'd talk in e-mail if we hadn't seen one another for a week or so on the train. No big deal. He made it seem like I'm a lot different from most girls my age since I'm pretty old fashioned. But this is why I like being friends those older than I am, because they're into the things I am. I also invited him and his family to my championship ice hockey game, but he didn't come. he had shown an interest in women's hockey, so I figured I'd invite him and his family. Anyway, towards the end of the year he was saying how he was going to miss talking to me, and that if he transferred to my school, we'd be able to talk all the time. That was another strange thing that was said. He had mentioned it a couple times. I told him how I was getting married (well, I told him that really early on) and how we just bought a house on the island, so I wouldn't be doing that commute next year. He was pretty saddened by this and kept bringing up how much he was going to miss talking to me. It was a nice thing to say, but he seemed to say it a lot. I mentioned how my best friend lives downtown, so when I go to visit her, we could meet for lunch or something. He changed the topic on me and didn't say anything in response, strange. He told me he would keep in touch through email. I emailed him at the beginning of the summer asking how his transfer search was going, but never received a response so far all summer. I sent pictures from the honeymoon and wedding to him and a couple others who didn't come, but he never responded either. Just yesterday I sent another link of pictures and wrote to the others (who are coworkers) to respond back and tell me how they've been doing this summer. He responded back saying the wedding pictures are beautiful and that he hopes everything is going well. Finally!! Is it that hard to write an email? lol. It's just strange how he just stopped talking when he kept saying how he wants to keep in touch.

My newlywed husband is amazing and knows I'm friends with those older than me, along with guys, and doesn't mind. He wouldn't mind if I went to meet him since he knows of him. I told him about how he stopped responding and my friend told me he was probably looking to hook up but to no avail. He agreed that's what it seems like.

I'm thinking maybe he thinks his wife would think it's weird how he's talking to a fairly attractive 25 year old girl?? I don't know, but I think that's a dumb thing to do. Who cares who your spouse hangs out with? But the thing is, we weren't really acquaintances; we became pretty good friends.

It's just so unfortunate that there's such a negative portrayal of older guys being friends with younger women. People automatically assume you're having an affair. It's such a shame, because he's a cool friend.

I love my husband with all my heart and couldn't be happier. This is something that just bothers me in general about how older guys can't really be friends with younger girls, considering how well I get along with those older than I.

So what do you think his intentions were? I've been wondering. Does he really care about being friends?

[CAM]

Maybe he was having a little midlife crisis where he was finding it attractive that he could strike up a conversation with a beautiful and smart 25 year old? But, then reality set in and he's back to being 50 again.

The two of you could never be more than what you were. You had sort of a "Lost in Translation" moment--ever see the film?

[Rachael84]

Nope. I know of the movie but never saw it. I don't want to be more than friends anyway. I'm just really confused by why he suddenly isn't talking to me anymore. Disappointing, since I always seem to make good friends and lose touch with them.

I also want to know, because I really need to start learning to read guys better so I don't accidentally lead them on. Sometimes my friendliness can be taken in the wrong way. I like to be nice to people, and sometimes guys may take advantage of that without me realizing it. It's a wonder I got married!!! lol I can read my husband so well though, I guess it's the connection we have. Other guy friends--nope!

[CAM]

Yeah, watch the film if you get a chance--its pretty good.

No, you didn't lead this guy on. He was just having a moment and you are probably just a really nice, attractive, smart woman who sparked a memory for him and he was just reliving his own moment through you. You didn't do anything--not to worry.

Hey, I'm a 40 year old bachelor who has no hope of getting married, largely because I lack all sense of timing and awareness. I live through my memories and sometimes when I talk to younger women, I'm thinking about somebody I knew. It is totally non-sexual in every way. It isn't even a fantasy. It is more or less me just remembering something--sometimes, a happy time, sometimes a bittersweet relationship that could have become something but never did. Nearly every time, I'm at first happy to talk to the young woman and to remember the past, but it is also very depressing, too. Hence, I often find myself avoiding social contact so as to avoid the inevitable sad thoughts.

Does that help you understand what might be going on in his mind?

[CAM]

Here's a trailer of Lost in Translation:

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYAS92XPvIM"]YouTube - Lost In Translation trailer[/ame]

[CAM]

Here's a trailer of Lost in Translation:

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYAS92XPvIM"]YouTube - Lost In Translation trailer[/ame]

[Rachael84]

Looks like a good movie, thanks for sharing. Reflecting back to our friendship, we did talk about general things, but he did give me some good valuable advice about weddings as I was planning it. We didn't really get a chance to talk about anything deep though, since we were on a crowded subway and were only on for about 10 minutes each time until I got to my stop.

Most people seem to think that he was looking for a relationship on the side.

But I've also never had a guy friend look at me so much. There was this one day where he gave his seat up for me because it was crowded, and kept staring at my chest the entire time. The last 2 minutes he was staring totally away from me and seemed embarrassed, LOL.

[markokrim]

Hi R,
understanding men or women is a hard thing, and it is not general. About your story, well when men are in some older age they look at young women same as they looked then when having 20 years, but no action is taken because of self-control. If you think that having affair with someone lot younger is not good thing you will not do it, but nobody can stop you from looking, thinking or enjoying someones company. when you meet someone older try to thing how many hard time, happy and sad situation he could had in his life and how it effected on him. good luck.

[Rachael84]

What does everyone else think?

[lostinconfusion]

i totally understand where you are coming from and i've wondered on this issue myself. i have a similar situation with my boss. i'm 20 and he's 50 but i feel like he's one of the coolest males i've ever known friend wise. we all go out drinking a lot and we always talk and joke around, outside and in the office. but the issue is that he's an old bachelor and sometimes i'm afraid of creating a weird situation. i try to get into my "guy mode", which is what i do around guys when i want to make sure i stay 100 percent only friends with, so i act more guyish and kind of rough. but i know he finds me attractive because i can see how he looks at me. he's never done anything inappropriate but i always have a thought in my back on my mind how i have to keep track of how i act around him. so......i guess my story isn't very helpful to you, but i just wanted to let you know you are not the only one dealing with the young girl wanting to be friends with a much older man problem.

[CAM]

For some reason, I'm in song mode:

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8e2pCpVPc0I"]YouTube - Young Girl by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap[/ame]

[CAM]

For some reason, I'm in song mode:

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8e2pCpVPc0I"]YouTube - Young Girl by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap[/ame]

[IndiReloaded]

Its likely what Cam said, doll. Older men enjoy the company of younger women but they don't tend to expect anything from the interaction. Not that there aren't some that wouldn't take advantage of an opportunity should it arise, but its usually more...poignant.

Do watch LIT when you get the chance. Its a great film.

Cam - aside from the ending, best scene "Lip my stockings".

[CAM]

And not to be gross, but even if you wanted to take advantage of the situation, you couldn't because you pulled a groin muscle doing squats in the gym and you've got a hydrocele on your right testicle which has you on Aleve four times a day and wearing an athletic supporter because it hurts to walk.

After 40, even if the spirit was willing, the body often isn't

[Cbrider]

I don't think he ever wanted anything more than friendship. Like Indi said, older men enjoy the company of younger women, its an ego boost in a lot of ways.

Everything you said he did came off as a friendly gesture to me. He never made any inappropriate advances or really insinuated it. He's 50, he's seen a lot and been around the block. I bet you that after being married that long and what not, that handing out his number was never meant to be intrusive or romantic at all.

He starred at your chest.....I do that and so does every other straight guy. Its normal and instincts are more powerful than social norms or guidelines, lol.

He could have taken a long time to respond for a lot of different reasons. I would just keep in touch and see how it unfolds.