Stringing him along? Thoughts please...

[Perla]

So there is a man in my life i have casual sex with...im not sure its just a 'booty call' (perhaps im not clear on the definition)....when im over his place i spend the night, when he's over mine he spends the night, we watch movies, we kiss hello and goodbye...but there are no dates. We DID date briefly, about 5 yrs ago when we first met...ever since then he's kinda been my 'in between' guy - when my relationships ended, we would start hooking up again. We've just started up again and lately i've started to feel guilty about our 'situation'. im sure he's happy to get what he's getting - but most of the time i think he sticks around hoping for more. But then i think, he's a man - isnt this situation perfect for him?

[SouthCarolina]

He may actually like you. You say you've known him for years. Tell him you are busy one of those nights and say you are going on a double date to help a friend to see how he reacts. If he is jealous etc, then he may actually like you. I wouldn't feel bad about 'cheating' becuase you are in an open relationship.... You have to set boundries for it to stay healthy

[carl1222]

What you have is more of a "friends with benefits" relationship than a "booty call" relationship. Don't make the common mistake that women often make ... that as long as a man is getting laid, he's happy. If you sense that he wants more out of the relationship, and assuming you don't, then you may be hurting him.

Does he ever have relationships with other women?

Carl

[girl68]

My vote is: who cares?

As long as you've been very clear about your "intentions" or lack thereof. If you've never suggested that this little arrangement is going to go further then so? Have fun getting laid until you meet a guy you really want to be with in and out of the house.

[carl1222]

My vote is: who cares?

As long as you've been very clear about your "intentions" or lack thereof. If you've never suggested that this little arrangement is going to go further then so? Have fun getting laid until you meet a guy you really want to be with in and out of the house.

Consider yourself fortunate if you have never found yourself in a situation where you had romantic feelings for someone who didn't return them. It's not enough that she has made her intentions clear, if he finds himself in a position of not having the will power to stop accepting love crumbs as the consolation prize when what he wants is a romantic relationship.

I applaud Perla for questioning whether this may be the case ... it's the decent thing to do.

I also suspect that if the original thread had been posted by a man, girl68 and other women might hesitate to advise him "you've told her your intentions, go ahead ... enjoy getting laid."

Carl.

[girl68]

Consider yourself fortunate if you have never found yourself in a situation where you had romantic feelings for someone who didn't return them. It's not enough that she has made her intentions clear, if he finds himself in a position of not having the will power to stop accepting love crumbs as the consolation prize when what he wants is a romantic relationship.

I applaud Perla for questioning whether this may be the case ... it's the decent thing to do.

I also suspect that if the original thread had been posted by a man, girl68 and other women might hesitate to advise him "you've told her your intentions, go ahead ... enjoy getting laid."

Carl.

I am sorry but your assumptions are incorrect.

1) Yes, I have been in a situation where I liked him, slept with him, and he only wanted my sex.

2) Based on her post here, it is unclear that either party has feelings for one another. Or if she thinks he does have some feelings how so? What has lead her to believe that. Sometimes a man doesn't want the relationship but still wants the benefit of one. (Ie, he wants to kiss, cuddle, make out and have a laugh- but still all this without a "girlfriend"). So basically she needs to elaborate.

But I still stand firm on, as long as she's made herself clear about what she wants... whatever that is... it is all fair game.

3) Wrong if this was a man, I would still say- as long as you're not leading her to believe you want to be with her (as in gf/ bf) the friends with benefits is still fair game.

[Perla]

Thank you all for your thoughts...

Carl, you hit in on the nose - one of the main reasons i feel he might have stronger feelings for me is because he's never had a relationship...im sure he's been with other girls, but no one seriously, so he's always available to me.

Girl68 - most of the time i feel the same way...i have been clear with him...and if the 3 times i've stopped seeing him to have relationships with other men arent indicative of my intentions, dont know what is.

[girl68]

If you think he's falling for you and it could get sticky... find a new FWB. You've really done no wrong the way I see it, but neither has he (or so it would seem). But maybe overtime, he could start to wish for more from you, but you've been clear not to give it to him. And he hasn't begged for you either. You have a good thing going on. But that said, maybe it's time you move on. Wish your friend farewell. The next time you have a break from love, find comfort in a new friend (with benefits).

Goodluck.

[Disillusioned]

Respect individuality. Patterns deserve respect but consider that one of the patterns of male behavior is like a mix of stubborness and pride. Men who know the patterns of male behavior understand that there are expectations which lock them into typical behavior. You can't express yourself when you keep getting pidgeonholed as a typical male drone that lives for sex. We want individuality or at least control over what expectations we conform to and saying "men are this" and "men are that" oversimplifies the issue (us humans love our convenience, don't we?).

Every male and female is a different entity and the common patterns break down the closer you look at them and the stereotypes cease to do individuals justice. Many men deny their urges out of spite for themselves. Many men deny their urges out of spite for the men who don't. Many men are looking for someone who considers them real, and not an illusion created out of another's expectations. So many people come into a relationship with their "dukes up" so to speak. An "in-between" guy is or may be privy to a lot of your feelings that aren't under the same pressure they were before when you were in a relationship and this may give him a certain insight to you that makes you very attractive to him. I'm not saying every guy is or even tries to be perceptive but some definitely do (are).

Since you're both adults it shouldn't be a big deal to be candid and eliminate any false pretenses before they become issues.

Maybe its just time for a heart-heart. A real one though.