My ex is a mind f***er

[Coral]

This is going to be long. I've been going through a lot of heartache off and on for two years. Let's start from the beginning.

I basically got together with my ex in '07. I was really falling for him. He amazed me daily, and I was incredibly shy. Only problem was he was still in love with his ex whom he was with for a long while. I was still very patient with him, trying to show him I could be a good pick. Also, I'm friends with a lot of guys. Mostly guys than girls because I can get along better with guys. Since day one of our dating, I would include him with everything so he could meet everyone I know. That way he can be comfortable.

Within half a year, he had broke it off with me twice for different reasons, but I knew it was because he wasn't over his ex. I tried to show him how I'd still care for him and be there as a friend, but I also wanted to show him how patient I could be. I really liked him. We got back together again in March of '08 and I was happy. A few months go by and I've noticed I wasn't being treated like his girlfriend. We barely kissed, and it was like we were just friends. My friends and I, even my sister, tried to give him hints on what he could work on, but it didn't work. So I finally broke it off with him myself. A few months go by and it was his birthday. I took him out and showed him a good time, and by that evening, we hooked up. We were together again. And yet... again... same thing happened. It was as though we were just friends. Not only that, but I felt used. I was always the one driving and picking him up. I'd help pay for his meals, he barely did for me. He wouldn't help me with gas money. It was like he was in his own little world. I still hadn't known what it was truly like to kiss him. I felt like just his hookup. By November, I finally wrote him a long email asking him if he had feelings for me still, and that this is what I want out of a relationship. He replied saying he felt we didn't have that connection, and it's better to just be friends. He broke it off with me... for the third time. By that time, I was sick and tired of everything, and very brokenhearted. I worked very hard on our relationship and keeping him comfortable... and I felt like I was being used.

Fast forward a few weeks (still in November of '08)...and he comes back wanting to try again. This time, he kissed me. I was very guarded in trying again after everything that happened. But I decided to try again. He made a huge turn-around which was wonderful... but this time... he was going way too fast. Already talking about a future and us being together forever. He also pushed the "love" word. This all would have been great a year ago... but after all that mess, I wasn't ready to go that fast. In January of '09, I tried to tell him it was too fast and we should go slow, and he got hurt. I was there for him and trying to comfort him and let him know to just give it time and let it work out how it's supposed to. And let's just enjoy ourselves being together. He would still push it. Not only that, but he was very jealous of every little thing. Especially with my guy friends. I'd tell him everything I'd be doing, but he felt like he needed to know what I was doing every two seconds. I was starting to back up a bit cause it was too much for me. Finally, by March, I had broke it off with him because it was unhealthy. I had told him we needed to take a step back to get to know each other more as friends. I still wanted to be with him, but on healthier terms.

A month goes by, and he kept pushing a relationship on me. He wasn't respecting what I needed, and threatened ending our friendship by needing to disappear and take time for himself. After trying to keep our friendship, he tells me he had snooped through my computer and found a letter I'd written to a friend who was deployed, and make false accusations on me. I was ticked. He also created a fake screen name and joined a different forum I'm on to try to read my thoughts and see what my "true intentions" of my breakup with him were. When I approached him with this, he lied and said it was his friend who did it. Even though I knew the truth, I let it go. A few weeks later, he wrote me an email saying he was taking himself out of the picture. Yet again, I fought for our friendship. But this time, I was starting to draw back a bit more on trying to be a good friend. A few months of that, he was showing me he could be a good friend to me, but I was very guarded with him.

Now let's bring us to beginning of August. At my friends surprise party I threw, my ex decided he needed to come "talk to me". I told him not now, not at my friend's party. I was very short with him. He in turn tells me... yet again... that he's taking himself out of the picture and that it's what he needs. I was livid. He left, and I was telling myself that I was done. He had wanted no contact, but he wanted to specifically let me know he was doing all this in a "civil" manner. He even wrote me a goodbye email.

Then a week and a half later, we were somewhat texting again. He asked if we could meet up. I met up with him. It was so he could tell me he got a new girlfriend. Oh, and that he wants to keep a friendship with me.

I haven't talked to him since that meet up. What would you guys do with a situation like this? I feel like I have let so much go with this guy. I'd done so much, and he feels like I've been in the wrong since March since I was the one that broke up with him. Yet he doesn't see his faults. He only sees that I have pushed away. I want to tell him everything I'm feeling. Help. Here's a cookie for making it all the way down here.

[Yggdrasil]

Unless you want to keep on dealing with this kind of crap, dump him, change your phone number, email etc, then get a restraining order against him because he's harassing you.

Simple as that.

[David P.]

Thanks for the cookie

It seems to me that it would indeed be best for you to stop having contact with him.
On the other hand, it seems like you still have a lot of feelings to him. Ever since the beginning, you have done everything you could to show him you would be there for him, no matter what.

Even when he broke up with you, your reaction was to show him, you'd still be there for him. Maybe this makes him appreciate you less: you're always available for him, even after he breaks up with you.

Really, stop doing everything for him: If he sends you a goodbye mail and says he's taking himself out of the picture, then don't start texting again a week later.

I hope you'll find the courage to move on, because it sounds like this relationship will never be a healthy one. Good luck!!

[angel87]

I know what you are going through, I went through a similar thing with my ex. I was young and dumb when we met and fell head over heals for him. To this day I still love him, not in a romantic way, but I care deeply for him. And he knows that and uses it to his advantage and messes me around. Months (or in the last case a year) went by that he had no contact with me and suddenly he was back and making moves on me and blah, blah, blah...long story

But my point is I think you would be better off without his crap in your life. Seriously I know it isn't always nice and it will never be easy, but at the end of the day as long as he knows that he can mess you around and you will give in to him the longer he will do it. It's like a power struggle, maybe he doesn't really want you, he wants the games, he enjoys the games.

I agree with Yggdrasil, if it means u need to change you numbers and email address to get him out of your life then do it, I really don't think he is worth your time.

[Coral]

Thanks guys. It's so hard. My chest is heavy, and I'm anxious and down at work. Everything seems to drag on slowly. I'm incredibly short fused and wish I could yell at him telling him exactly how much he screwed up everything. Very hard to not talk to him, but I keep trying.

Update: He had sent me a text two days ago wanting to say hi and was hoping I'm fine. I didn't respond. Then today at work, I received a text from him demanding I leave his cell phone battery that HE gave me at his work. What the eff. I need to call my phone company to block his number.