Should I tell her before she goes?

[Nils]

Hi everybody.

Now the girl I'm talking about I met at my university about two months ago, and I immediately fell in love with her. We have dated a couple of times since then, and it feels like something can come out of this, but the thing is, now she is going abroad for a couple of months! She has agreed to meet me one more time before she goes, and I want to tell her about my feelings then, but I'm afraid it may be too early for that, and that it may put an end to what otherwise may have developed into a love relationship.

On the other hand, I'm thinking that if I do not leave an impression in her mind before she goes, she may forget me while she is away (after all, we haven't met more than a couple of times). I'm also thinking that even if she says she doesn't feel that way about me now, perhaps, if she grows homesick while she is away, she may think back on me in a more positive light. But maybe that's wishful thinking. I don't know.

What do you think? Anybody here who's had a similar experience?

[carl1222]

You're dating, so she knows you are interested. Professing love at this point is way premature after only 2 dates, and will come across as a bit creepy.

Instead, just tell you that you'll miss her, and are looking forward to seeing her again when she comes home. Then, try to stay in touch the best you can while she's away ... email, im, etc.

Carl.

[lostinconfusion]

first of all you are not in love with her, you barely know her. second, professing strong feelings for her now will do the following, it will freak her out and/or it will make you the secure guy who isn't going anywhere because he is nuts about her. that will put ease in her mind and she simply won't need to think about you. if you want her to come back and fall into your arms, you need to give her opportunity to miss you and feel insecure and wonder if YOU might forget about HER, the way you are thinking about it. so take her out on an amazing date, but act calm and relaxed. if you let this girl think she is your sun and your moon, i'll bet you a million bucks she'll come back wanting to be "just friends". that's just my opinion though, so good luck. :-)

[Nils]

Thanks for the advice.

Okay, this is interesting. Perhaps I should tell you that I live in Japan, and everybody I have talked with over here says I should tell her about my feelings, but I have been skeptical, just as you guys, and now I wonder if this is perhaps a cultural thing. It seems in Japan, professing one's love is much more commonplace than in the West, even among adults. In the "West" (I don't like the term, but anyways), perhaps because of the strong individualistic mindset of people, I guess it can be seen almost as an attack on one's integrity to be approached very directly about such matters, like "who are you to come here and ask me to accept your feelings after two dates!" Japanese people seem to take it more lightly.

On the other hand, even Japanese advice I have looked for on the Internet stresses that you shouldn't profess your love to early or it may ruin things, and at least one person I have talked with wasn't initially sure whether telling her would be right thing (although she changed her mind later and now says I should tell her).

So perhaps there's a cultural aspect to consider here as well. On the other hand, basic human psychology is the same everywhere, so perhaps I will just frighten her off if I tell her. In fact, now that I come to think of it, I have a friend, in her thirties, who professed her love to a man she liked and who she seemed to have gotten along well with up until that point, but now I think they're not even able to meet anymore.

[Nils]

I have discussed this issue with some more Japanese friends today, and now there is about a 50/50 split in opinion as to whether I should tell her about my feelings or not.

At the moment I'm leaning towards not telling her, because I really don't want to risk ruining this by hurrying things. What I'm thinking about now, instead, is what to say on our next date. Carl1222 suggested telling her that I'll miss her and that I look forward to meeting her again when she comes back, and also trying to keep in touch through email. However, a Japanese friend I discussed this with felt that this could make her confused, not sure what to do.

What are your thoughts on this guys? Any dos and don'ts I should have in mind?

[Lipp]

Professing your love just before she leaves offers no chance to develop it into a relationship (you can't really expect to start things several months later) and risks a response being "no" simply because it's not convenient/she's not sure.

I'd suggest that you back off a bit while she's away, and when she gets back you get into it, and in the meantime you can attempt to improve in ways that could entice her.