Plz Help I'm in Dire Straights

[Soujiro]

I'll try and explain this as best as I can...

Okay well I had this really bad crush on this one girl and since I thought she had no feelings towards me I ignored her to make my feelings go away. After about one month of ignoring her she emails me... and well my friend gets involved and he learns that she did have feelings towards me... so then you know I sent her flowers saying I'm sry for ignoring her with my reasons for ignoring her. We start doing some stuff we've probably had about 7 dates/get togethers. The second to last date I put my arm around her when we were watching a movie and the last date we were flirting badly I was tickling her with my right arm when I was driving and we drove another 60 miles just so I could keep my arm around her and cuddle...at the end of the date the put her arms around my neck and I knew she wanted to kiss but I was weary because within a span of 1.5 weeks I had 2 dreams of her cheating on me. The first time I had a dream of her cheating on me she also had a dream of me cheating on her... so that night she said she was going to go look at the stars and I could come with if I wanted to so of course I went... I told her about me having another dream and that it's my biggest fear and she said that it'd never happen so I shouldn't worry about it... anyways I called her up yesterday at about 3 because we were going to do something but she didn't know if she had to paint her basement or not so I called to see if she could do anything... long story short we eventually got talking about us developing a relationship and she says that she's never had this strong of a connection with a guy before and that she'd be afraid to enter into a relationship because she thinks she'd screw it up, I said that I'd make sure that it didn't get screwed up... then she told me about her mixed feelings.. she said that at times she does think I'm the perfect guy(I think she's the perfect girl) but at the same time she doesn't know if her feelings are true..she also says that for now she wants to remain single.. and she said that when school starts if she's in a relationship her grades plummet I said that we could make it work, she also said that she puts her friends before her boyfriends and I'm one of her closest friends already... I said that if her feelings do become true to let me know and she said that I shouldn't wait for her but I don't want any other girl I truly have always thought she is the one from the first day I laid my eyes upon her... I know that's kind of random but please try and interpret it as best as you can.

Tell me if I'm wrong to say any of this but this is how I truly feel about the situation. Next time we're together I'm going to say that it would hurt me more to be her friend because since she said she just wants to be friends for now I have lost her and that is my biggest fear. To stop my affection towards her would be like breaking my dream(okay well the day before I saw her in school I had a dream about her coming to me). I really do think that she's just chicken to plunge into this relationship of me thinking she's the perfect girl and her thinking I'm the perfect guy... she says she doesn't want to get hurt but I'd think she could trust me enough to never try and hurt her. She says that she is afraid because we're to open with one another and that'd just put our feelings on the line to much... Isn't it worth it for love though?

Feel free to give any advice and ask more questions about the situation.

[Cybog]

How old are you two?

How many people have you been "in love" with?

How many women have you dated for longer than 6 months?

Do you live with both of your parents, or just your mother?

Are you a drama/art student?

Are you a virgin?

Is she a virgin?

What is the total time you two have been talking "seriously"?

How many boyfriends has she had total, and how many people has she dated for longer than 3 months?



Answer mine, and ill answer yours.

[Domnuu]

i think she nervous because shes unsure if she like likes u or is it just a friendly like with a sexual atraction beucase that can get girls very confused. and her being confused doesnt knwo if a relationship is the best idea girls are very cautious about this kinda stuff. Let things go for a while and try not to tell her every little bad thought that comes into ur mind trust me i used to do it and its the reasion i almost broke up with my gf becuase she felt like i was always worrying

[Soujiro]

How old are you two?

How many people have you been "in love" with?

How many women have you dated for longer than 6 months?

Do you live with both of your parents, or just your mother?

Are you a drama/art student?

Are you a virgin?

Is she a virgin?

What is the total time you two have been talking "seriously"?

How many boyfriends has she had total, and how many people has she dated for longer than 3 months?



Answer mine, and ill answer yours.

I'm 17 and she's going to be 16 within the next month.
I've never been in love but I am in love with this girl.
I've never dated a women for longer than 2 weeks.
I live with my mom my father died when I was 11.
No.
Yes we're both virgins.
We've had 2 serious conversations, but this is the first real one we've had.
I have no idea how many boyfriends she's had but I do know she's only had one boyfriend for longer than 3 months.

[Cybog]

Sorry for being late in response, are you still trying to work this out?

Been out of town again, let me know how this is working out and if you are still interested maybe I can share my opinion.

[Soujiro]

Sorry for being late in response, are you still trying to work this out?

Been out of town again, let me know how this is working out and if you are still interested maybe I can share my opinion.

Share your opinion plz. I've been talking to one of my friends and well... do you think what she said ruins everything on the lines of more than friends between us?... or if we were to to something could I still put my arm around her and kiss her when it feels right?

I haven't talked to her for more than 20 minutes since this conversation... I've tried to call pretty much once everyday and she's never online late at night anymore because of soccer practice early in the morning...

[Cybog]

Ok Romeo, let's see what we can do. First things first. Why did I ask you the questions that I did....?

Im going to make a lot of assumptions based on your answers, and ill tell you why I make them.

#1 and #2 - How old you are and how many people you have been "in love" with is a huge factor in how you react to certian situations. Likely, you are a shy person to some degree, hence, since she is showing affection to you, you have apparently fallen for her very quickly.

Likely, you havent had a lot of other girlfriends, (which was answered with question number 3, and was what I assumed in the first place). What also makes the situation more difficult, is that she obviously has never been "in love", or has any serious sense of what a real relationship is like.

I assumed you were living only with your mother, and were an artistic individual (1 outta 2 aint bad) simply because of your reaction with what happened in the first place. You are apparently very taken by this girl, and have already shown your affection very early on. (Flowers for no solid apparent reason.) The difficult part in this situation, is that you have become what is commonly referred to as The Nice Guy.

As most men will tell you, (at least those who have any idea of what they are talking about) "Nice guys" shower women with attention and gifts and things and assume the role of blame for something they really didnt do. Nice guys also will pine over women to the point where they become obssessive and think only things about her, and nobody else. I have a feeling that the biggest thing on your mind is "what can I do for her", rather than what is best for you, or you both in this relationship.

You need to slow down Romeo. Sure, 200 years ago the idea of "courting" a girl and showering her with attention in a vain hope that she will eventually get around to giving it up was considered "ok". But by today's standards, if you obbsess over this girl and are always calling or writing or thinking about her you will eventually drive yourself crazy, or get even more hurt if things dont work out, even though there was never anything physical as far as a real object that defined the two of you. A relationship.

I was weary because within a span of 1.5 weeks I had 2 dreams of her cheating on me. The first time I had a dream of her cheating on me she also had a dream of me cheating on her... so that night she said she was going to go look at the stars and I could come with if I wanted to so of course I went... I told her about me having another dream and that it's my biggest fear and she said that it'd never happen so I shouldn't worry about it..

Dating tip 101 - never, ever tell a girl this. It makes her prematurely nervous about being with you in the first place. Never, ever share your dreams with a girl who you are considering dating, even within the first 2-3 months, regardless of their content. It gives them the idea that you really do consider your dreams a possiblity, which they should never be. Dreams are simply random ideas, repressed thoughts, or obsure images that ultimately really make no sense. (usually). Never, ever tell her your dreams at first.

Which brings me to another point - Don't worry about this stuff anyhow. I dream all the time about old girlfriends, new girlfriends, random chicks I met at the store, and I pay it no mind. I know where my mind is going and who I want to be with and what I need to do at the end of the day to make that a reality. Ignore these fleeting thoughts.

More to follow, dont wanna run out of space.

[Cybog]

she also says that for now she wants to remain single.. and she said that when school starts if she's in a relationship her grades plummet I said that we could make it work, she also said that she puts her friends before her boyfriends and I'm one of her closest friends already... I said that if her feelings do become true to let me know and she said that I shouldn't wait for her but I don't want any other girl I truly have always thought she is the one from the first day I laid my eyes upon her... I know that's kind of random but please try and interpret it as best as you can.

There is an old saying about guys who enter the danger area referred to as the "friend zone". Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

As hard as it will be to hear it, something you have to remember is that you ARE friends with her, but is your friendship something you want to risk or possibly lose if you ask her out?

Ahh, but if you knew the answer to that question you wouldnt be asking, and I wouldnt be writing. So, you want to know how to handle this in your current position without risking it. How do you do this?!?

Glad you asked!

First and foremost we have to remember to slooooow things down. She isnt going to drop off the face of the planet tomorrow. And even if tomorrow she finds another man, than obviously her heart wasnt with you. But luckily, you have sloooowed down, and you dont obsess over her as much as you did, and she is still your friend, right?

BUT! if you want to be her "man" then treat her like it. Ask her when she is available next and see if she wants to go somewhere with you "as friends". Dont bring her flowers, but pay for dinner. Dont pester her with relationship questions or the dreaded "So what about us?" mumbo jumbo, but compliment her hair/dress/nails. Chicks like that kinda stuff. Simply show her your good side. Show her your romantic side. Show her you can be a romantic without showering her with gifts or heartless compliments.

You need to remember that in this game of relationships, BOTH sides "weigh their options" in that they want to see who the best "catch" is out there. Right now, you want her to see that it is you! Show her that you are there for her if she needs you. Show her that you are a great guy, and eventually she will realize it herself, without you prodding her.

She says that she is afraid because we're to open with one another and that'd just put our feelings on the line to much... Isn't it worth it for love though?

Hmmm, sometimes it is, sometimes it isnt. Depends on what kind of friendship you have with her. I have known some girls that I would LOVE to have dated/slept with, but never did because I valued the friendship too much. This can only be answered by you, not by those of us who dont know the situation.

Final thought - Dont use "middle-men" to find out your information. Talk to her directly about her. It oftentimes does more damage than good when girls find out you have been "snooping" around behind their backs to find out the goods. She will be MUCH happier when you are open, honest, and straightforward with her about your feelings and opinions than playing this guessing game.

Let me know what you are thinking.

[Soujiro]

I just have this feeling that whenever she's with me she feels to vulnerable and it puts her in an awkward position(she's even said that she only gets shy around me) so that's another reason why she decided to do this. I know why she feels vulnerable though, it's because well since she hurt me before I just never really trusted her, but now since a friend of mine has gotten me to realize that she's so open with me that she tells me everything I'm ready to trust her.

I know why her feelings became mixed, because well I was giving off a mixed vibe the whole time and I wasn't breaching the depths of my heart.

I did email her thursday morning and well she hasn't emailed me back yet but I said I'd call Sunday in the email so I'll call Sunday... I mean hopefully she doesn't want to throw away our friendship too now just because she's afraid(doubt it though, she's to good of a person to do that, and she would be basically doing what I did before, ignoring me for some odd reason and then there's me which was her before trying to make things work god it's going to be funny if that's the case). Also, in the email I said we haven't done anything for awhile and I want to ask you a couple things next time we do something.

About your thing about why I like her so much.. me being a shy person and someone liking me and I'm all over them... This just makes me believe I need to bring up how I got hurt in the first place. I had a really bad crush on her and well she never told me her feelings were there and well my friends got me to believe that she felt nothing towards me when I told them for the longest time that she did... so eventually I was heart broken because I liked her so much and I thought she felt nothing towards me at all.

One time she told me that she'd never want to ruin what we had and that she'd never want to screw up with me... well just ask if I left anything out I'm going to tell you what I'm going to say next time we're together.

You know those couple things I wanted to ask you. The first one is do you want to completely throw away everything between us or do you want to keep on doing stuff together to see if your feelings are true? I just have this feeling that all of this came about just because I wouldn't kiss you. I don't know if that's why you got cold feet for sure but if that is the real reason I'm ready to warm your feet up now and kiss you. Then hopefully after we kiss I'm going to say a lot more relating to my feelings towards her, I'll be sure to include the trust bit and now I'm ready to tell her anything. I also have to be sure to say that I'll never hurt her and that I'm willing to trust her now with never hurting me again so why can't she do the same.


wow I can't believe I wrote all of this back in the day, oh well I still agree with it

[Soujiro]

I should probably add that this whole thing has been going on since March.

[Soujiro]

All I need to know is this:
How do I stop being in love with her?
The only thing I can think of is finding another girl and hoping she's better. I just have this feeling that if I'm with another girl I'll just wish I wasn't with her and I was with the girl I'm talking about.

[BeLoved0429]

You cant just STOP loving someone like that... And it looks to me as if shes your first love, so its only normal for you to feel the way you do. Your not always going to get who you want and things arent always going to go the way you would like. Its just part of life.

You love her, and nothing can change that, but it seems she is unsure of the way she feels and is confused on what she wants. I know it must seem like this issue has been going on forever now(you mentioned- since March), but you must give it all the time it needs, whats meant to be will turn out in the end.

If you are looking for someone else, one thing I have learned is- DONT. Let them come to you. And they will come.

Just be yourself, dont stop loving just because things dont go your way, do whatever comes natural and eventually things will work itself out. If she cant see how much she means to you or how strong your feelings are... maybe you better question if this truly is your "perfect girl". It seems to me like shes playing head games.

AND LET ME ADD- your only 17 years old... you have your whole life ahead of you to find the perfect one, and you have a whole entire WORLD to search through!!!!!! So just have fun right now, dont worry about it.

And about the dreams you are having, Cybog is right- they are just thoughts or intuitions. Since you are so scared of being cheated upon, thats what has been embedded in the back of your mind, and that is what you will dream about. AND- there just dreams... reality is what counts, so if shes says she will never cheat on you- dont hold it against her that you had a dream she did.... Hope this helps!

[Soujiro]

You cant just STOP loving someone like that... And it looks to me as if shes your first love, so its only normal for you to feel the way you do. Your not always going to get who you want and things arent always going to go the way you would like. Its just part of life.

You love her, and nothing can change that, but it seems she is unsure of the way she feels and is confused on what she wants. I know it must seem like this issue has been going on forever now(you mentioned- since March), but you must give it all the time it needs, whats meant to be will turn out in the end.

If you are looking for someone else, one thing I have learned is- DONT. Let them come to you. And they will come.

Just be yourself, dont stop loving just because things dont go your way, do whatever comes natural and eventually things will work itself out. If she cant see how much she means to you or how strong your feelings are... maybe you better question if this truly is your "perfect girl". It seems to me like shes playing head games.

AND LET ME ADD- your only 17 years old... you have your whole life ahead of you to find the perfect one, and you have a whole entire WORLD to search through!!!!!! So just have fun right now, dont worry about it.

And about the dreams you are having, Cybog is right- they are just thoughts or intuitions. Since you are so scared of being cheated upon, thats what has been embedded in the back of your mind, and that is what you will dream about. AND- there just dreams... reality is what counts, so if shes says she will never cheat on you- dont hold it against her that you had a dream she did.... Hope this helps!

Yeah I should've probably mentioned that I'm thinking about ignoring her; I haven't talked to her for about 2 weeks. and well I don't know I'm always the one that has to talk to her it's just annoying and a hassle I just don't think I should have to be the one to always initiate the conversation and call her and just see what she's up to... sure I've known her since march but she told me this stuff like july 20 something... she has told me before that she's scared to talk to people online because she doesn't even know if they're there, could this apply to the phone also.. I mean come on... I just think she's acting cold towards me and I should just try to stop thinking about her

[Soujiro]

I have made my mind up. I'm going to ignore her but I need to ask one more thing. I'm wondering if I should email her saying all of my feelings towards her not putting forth 50 percent effort in being friends? I'm thinking I should just be a total asshole and just ignore her completely because of this, I mean come on who pulls this shit? I need friends in my life that respect me and my feelings and care about me, not friends like this.

[Soujiro]

can someone plz respond, lol