Should I stay if he might go?

[lithiumflower86]

Hey everyone!

Yesterday I got hit with a subtle bomb from my boyfriend. I don't think he even noticed it. But ever since I've been having an anxiety attack, and I don't know what to do or say, so I need some advice!

We've been together for 7 months now, and it's been great! Amazing even. We have such a great connection, and I'm pretty sure that understanding is mutual. I struggle to be convinced that he loves me, which is a problem, but he knows it's not an unfounded fear due to things that happened in the past - not cheating or anything, just situations that weren't dealt with well. And deep down, I think I do know he loves me.

Yesterday we were talking about our job searches. He's a qualified teacher and has an interview today for a contract job at a school. He said it would be great because they want him to teach stuff he knows....and because it's only a year so he could go abroad to teach the following year...

I knew he always wanted to go away to Europe, but I didn't realize he meant move away to teach. I don't think he plans it to be permanent - just a year abroad thing. But still. My heart sank when I read that (was on MSN). I know he wants to go. He says he's not sure he does actually, and will have to see in a year, but he seems to have forgotten, well, me.

I don't know if I should stay in a relationship with this guy who plans to leave. Even though it's going well, and it would be another year before he'd go if he does go, it's risky I feel. Like, I may become too attached to him, and then he'll just **** off to Spain or whatever. I refuse to be in a long-distance relationship, and he hasn't mentioned wanting me to go with him.

I love him, but that's the problem. Should I love, and stay with, this man who will likely leave in a year for a long time? Am I wasting my own time, and setting myself up for greater heartbreak? Or may the relationship grow stronger over the next year and he'll ask me to come, or won't go because he won't want to lose me....

He knows i'm upset about something. But he won't confront me about my being upset - won't ask why or anything. He assumed it was because of some festival we were thinking of going to this weekend... I told him it wasn't and haven't heard from him since. I don't know if he's genuinely clueless, genuinely doesn't really care, or knows and just doesn't want to deal with our problems (which has been a problem in the past).


Sorry this was long...
Anyone know what I should do?

[PsychoPink]

It's 7 months in. Go with the flow. Who knows what will happen a year from now.

If you love each other and he does decide to leave you will find a way to make it work. Don't freak out so much about something that won't be happening for a year or more. It's still early in the relationship.

[Gigabitch]

Wow. You're quite the catastrophist, aren't you? Frankly, i don't think you should stay with him. You might get closer, maybe even **** off to Spain with him, get married, have three kids, live happily for fifty years and then, WHAMO, when you need him most, he might die.

Who wants to take a risk like that?

[vashti]

Wow, would you REALLY want to interfere with his dream of teaching abroad? If you do, he will resent you for it. If you stay together in the next year, you might feel more settled with the idea of him doing this, and if he does, maybe you can visit him once or twice, and keep in contact by phone/email/web cam, whatever. It really isn't all that long, and it might be good for you to learn how to be by yourself.

[bloodtippedrose]

Seven months and you're not sure if he loves you? I don't get it

[ecojeanne]

it's hard to deal with something like this when you love. unfortunately you can't control the future in this situation. enjoy him for now and for as long as you have together. like others have said; go with the flow. it is the best thing to do. it means that you can enjoy what you have now and if he goes you can look back later and say to yourself that it was a wonderful time in your life. it doesn't necessarily mean you will never meet him again nor does it mean you will not meet anyone else you love as much if not more. i know it's hard to imagine now but once you step out of the intensity you will realise and appreciate this for what it is/was when/if he goes. it's much better for both of you if you don't try to influence the outcome. he will do what he thinks is best for him. it may mean that you have to separate. just enjoy him for now.

i'm sorry, i'm sure it's not the answer you want to hear.

[lithiumflower86]

I think it is the answer I want to hear Ecojeanne. Sort of.

Some here may think I sound like a bitch, but I really care about him, and I never had any intention of stopping him from going away, which is why I haven't said anything to him yet.

I know he has to do what's best for him, and I respect that. But I also have to do what's best for me, and the whole point of this is that I'm struggling to figure out what that is. I don't even know if I should tell him how I'm feeling.

We've both given up a lot to be with each other, but I've definitely given up more. And I've definitely given more to the relationship. And I think maybe the major problem is I feel like a total idiot for doing all of what I've done. So it hurts to think that there may be a pre-determined execution date for our relationship.

I guess I should stay. I can't say I can instantly make myself unhurt and happy about this. But I'll try to just go with it I guess.


P.S. To Vashti, before I began seeing this guy I was single for 4 years without complaint. I never had any interest in anyone and never felt the need to be with someone. So I know what it's like to be by myself, and I was fine with it. But it can still hurt to lose someone you love...