The Ex Factor

[bluesummer]

How would you react if you noticed that everytime your partner sends out an email, they send it to one friend of the same gender, you, a couple family members, and two exes? That's it.

Just to make it interesting, let's add in the fact that one of the exes is someone your partner was dumped by and they pined over them for years. This ex eventually marries one of your partner's close friends, and also hangs out with your partner's parents and sibling.

Let's also add in that you've confronted your partner about this specific ex already and they got upset that you didn't 'trust' them, and basically told you that they'll always be friends, too bad.

What would be your reaction? Do you think this person is too attached to their exes?

[Gigabitch]

Ugh. Her again. I don't like it. I think his continued attachment to her is worrisome, especially the way his family is about her. It seems like you're his consolation prize and he's keeping the door open in case he ever gets another chance with her.

Yeah, I know I'm not helping talk you down, but what the ****, Bluesummer? Doesn't he understand that when you are going to get married, you need to take all of those simmering little pots off of the back burner?

[bluesummer]

I keep thinking I'm wrong to think that them being friends is wrong. I think I'm being a little green-eyed monster, which is uncool, because that's not me.

So I'm not crazy? This is too much?

Oh, and I asked him if her husband dies and I died, if they would ever hook up and he said "Probably not."

Probably?

[Gigabitch]

Right, and that was him being "considerate".

Do you think she's a threat to your relationship?

[bluesummer]

No, I don't think there's anything on her end.....I actually think she really loves her husband and is very happy in her relationship. I think he just hangs on way too tightly to his past.

He's a very emotional person, not outwardly though. Things hurt him. I think being dumped by her hurt him, and he's never had the chance to get over it because she's in his face 24/7 (at least he lives in a different province now, with me, 2000 kms away). He told me he wanted to try and get her back, but couldn't because she married his friend. He was best man at their wedding. Claims he was happy he set them up. Don't believe it because I found some poem he wrote (from before we met) lamenting over how they would only ever be friends and nothing more.

I want to believe he's moving past this since being with me, but I sense he's still hanging on. He reacted VERY strongly when I brought it up with him. Only time he's gotten upset with me. He said it was because he "couldn't believe I didn't trust him".

Btw I just phoned a relationship counsellor - for a one-on-one. I will bring him in if the counsellor thinks it's necessary.

[Gigabitch]

Don't marry him until this is resolved. You deserve a man who wants you more than anyone else on the planet. You've been through enough.

[Cbrider]

He doesn't seem to have a firm, straight forward answer to any of your questions. He leaves just enough lingering to leave the door cracked. I understand people being friends with their exes, but with that comes the responsibility of separating reality from fantasy.

Talk to the counselor and get a professional opinion.

[bluesummer]

Seriously, though. Guys, are any of you THAT close to an ex-girlfriend? Would you keep an ex that close and then freak out at the person you supposedly love for asking why you're so close?

I just want to know if I'm completely off-base, or if this is abnormal behaviour for a male. I think it's abnormal. I usually trust my own judgement, but I'm going to marry this man and I have to make absolutely 100% sure I'm not seeing things the wrong way here. Otherwise, if we discuss this again, it could be a repeat of last time - him basically acting like I was crazy to insinuate anything, and that I was insulting him by questioning his feelings for me.

[ecojeanne]

honestly blue if i was as strong as i'd like to think, i wouldn't put up with that shit and actually ready myself to go it alone if i was in your position. you ain't anyone's consolation prize. he may love you yes, but BUT she's not a block. he is still happily including her, thinking about her, faced with conversations about her by family and friends. she will never be gone and he will never be able to detach unless she hurts him or does something really nasty like killing someone-i know extreme but still, she is perfect and will always be perfect. you are good enough. and possibly his distraction and a girl to show off to her that he is strong and has long since moved on from her.

it's not ok, sorry blue

[bluesummer]

Oh, this is making me sad.

I hope I'm overreacting.

[vashti]

Oh, blue. Why are you questioning your judgement about this? He is being unreasonably defensive, and you know it. Trust yourself, girl. You aren't a fool.

[LiberatingLove]

Do you have a lot of difficulty trusting others?

[Charlie Boy II]

yeah I'm not close with any of my ex-girlfiends, not one of them. I never speak to Kristen, for example.

I thinik it sounds a bit suss.

[Cbrider]

Close is one thing, defensive is another.

[Mish]

Seriously, though. Guys, are any of you THAT close to an ex-girlfriend?

No, once I move on I pretty much move on completely. I find it hard to bring back the same feelings for an ex. I talk to my exs through email sometime, but apart from that time when my ex wanted to talk a few weeks ago I generally don't associate with them especially when I'm in a relationship. For me an ex is more like a memory of the time, talking to them is more like looking at a photo from a few years back.

I don't think this girl is a threat to you Blue especially since she is married, but boy is it inappropriate that she hangs out with your partner's parents and siblings.