Distance relationships. [very long]

[kil-art]

Well, I am just warning anyone who is reading this that it will be excessively long. I will, as suggested in the rules, post a summary at the very end; if you would like to skip to that, be my guest, but the full read will benefit you with far more information to give advice off of.

To start, I am a 17 year old guy. I have trust issues. Huge trust issues. I haven't ever really trusted anyone since about 9th grade. I know, that's probably not a good thing, but its how I am. My best friend messed around with one of my girlfriends that I actually cared about a decent bit in 9th grade, and since then I have not been able to really trust. I have one guy friend and one female friend whom I trust almost fully. I also have a wonderful girlfriend that I have completely opened up to, after dating for a bit over a year. She is the first person that I have ever actually poured my heart out to. She trusts easily, though, and she will open up to just about anyone. She's just a very friendly person, I suppose, in the manner that she will talk and have fun and flirt with just about anyone she meets. I'm somewhat the same, but I will only open up to a select few, but I will flirt with a bunch of my close female friends. Neither of us really over does the flirting, and never when we're together. We're extremely happy with each other. I trust her with my life. Any more background info you'd like, please ask; I do not mind adding just about anything you want to this.

Now, she's a year older than myself, I'm a senior in high school, she went to college this year. She met a guy that was going to the same college, and they talked all summer beforehand. They video chatted or talk chatted till ridiculous times in the morning 3 or 4 days a week, etc. Obviously, I was wary and said so, 'cause we have good communication about everything. She told me it was nothing and not to worry about it, the typical spiel. Now that she is up there, she has the normal 8 or 10 people she hangs out with nearly all the time, but this guy she is with quite a lot. She enjoys sports, so she's always out playing basketball or football or soccer with him, sometimes alone, sometimes with a few other people. He takes liberties with her like just walking into her room without knocking and such. As I stated before, with her easy going personality, she will flirt with just about anyone, and this guy is no exception. They flirt quite a lot. I'm worried.

Should I be worried, or is it just one of those things? We have an exclusive relationship, and I would never even consider being unfaithful to her. She says she won't either, but of course, I am scared of how close these two are. Is this fear warranted, or is it just my trust issues flaring up again?


Part two: I worry so much about what happens up there, 'cause I never know what she's up to and who she's with. How can I overcome this fear? I am constantly worried sick over what if she is with a guy, what if she's cheating on me, what if what if what if. Also, there are dances a bunch up there, and she dances, grinds, and slow dances with other guys, the certain one I wrote about included. Naturally, I do not expect her to sit by the side lines and be bored, I could never ask her to do that. How can I overcome my insecurities about her? Is it just that I truly don't trust her, or what? I just need help, I suppose, as I literally worry myself sick. I don't eat much, cause I feel like I'm going to throw up. I've lost a couple pounds since she's gone up from worry so much. I just need help.


Too long;didn't read version:

Girlfriend went to college, I have trust issues, she talks and hangs with a certain guy a lot, I'm worried, she dances with other guys, I'm worried, I never know where she is or who she's with, I'm worried, and I'm worried.

Thank you for reading, and I thank you for the advice you will surely give.

[Gigabitch]

Break up now. There are certain criteria that must be met in a long distance relationship, and #1 is that you can trust the other person. Without even getting into whether or not she is trustworthy, you're incapable of trusting her because of your own issues. This is a recipe for heartbreak and it won't end well.

Date someone closer to home.

[kil-art]

Okay, then how can I work to rectify these trust issues of mine? Wouldn't at least attempting to give it some time so that I can work out my issues be worth it, or is there just absolutely no chance? 'Cause I want to be with her and I want to not feel like shit, I just do not know how to go about learning to relax like that.

[IndiReloaded]

Sounds to me like this other guy is moving in on your GF. Not much you can do with the distance.

I think you are setting yourself up to fail. Putting trust in a situation that is likely to go sideways.

Trust is something that comes from you. Some give it more readily than others, for a bunch of reasons. Some to do with ones personal history, some to do with your level of confidence and self-esteem. Only you can sort that mental tangle out for yourself & it largely has to do with your family growing up and the lessons you learned from the experience. Think about that and figure out where you have been limited. It will help you understand your interactions and responses to others. You are young, but you can start to figure these things out now.

Trust is also related to an acceptance that life will bring happiness and pain. So, if you accept there is risk with trusting another, and you get burned and know you can move on, that also helps.

Trustworthiness is to do with the other person. You can't control that, but you can be smart or dumb about who you give your trust to under what situation. In your present situation, I think you are about to get burned. Think about why that might be and what you can do about it.

Giga's suggestion about finding someone closer to you is a good one. But its up to you.