He does not contribute, but should he?

[Merly]

Well ive kind of reached breaking point with my boyfriend and i dont know what to do. We have been together officially for around 3 months but we have been dating and "seeing each other" for over 2 years. In the last few months he has been staying at my place constantly, like every single night. He has his own place which he shares with a family member, but he rarely goes there at all now and virtually all his stuff is at mine. So i sat him down and asked him if he considered himself "living with me", he said no, that he liked having his own place and that he didnt want us to live together just yet. I am/was absolutly fine with that as i also enjoy my own space at times. But a few weeks have passed since that conversation and he has only been to his place ONCE in that time (he didnt even sleep there), and when he returned to mine he brought another load of clothes and belongings round to my place. Again i spoke to him and said if you dont live here why are you bringing all this stuff round, to which he replied that he liked being with me and having his home comforts around him. I dont know if im just overeacting but im starting to beleive he is just taking advantage of the situation, as he doesnt really pay any rent or bills at his place because his family member seems happy to cover everything, he knows that i pay alot for the rent at mine and i feel if he is sleeping there every night he should contribute to the rent, taxes and bills, but because he insists "he doesnt live at mine" how can i insist that he pays the price of living there? Im at my wits end now, what am i supposed to do? I want him there, i enjoy him being there, but i dont feel comfortable that im going out to work, and basically paying for all the luxuries that he is also enjoying. Any of your thoughts, ideas or advice would be gratefully received. many thanks!

[vashti]

yes, he should be paying rent if he is living there, but you can't really blame him if you have allowed this to continue. Tell him all you have room for is a toothbrush (if that) and put all his things in a box. Tell him to take them home. And stop letting him sleep over more than once or twice a week (if you want him there).

[Bumble_bee]

I agree with Vashti, If this is not an official living arrangement, I would put a stop to it, if he gets offended, you can just tell him that you both said you liked your own space, and this just feels like he is living there full time... It should at least bring up the converstion of what it is expected when someone lives in full time (sharing the responsiblities).

[girl68]

Time for the talk to go further than: "do you think you live here?" "nope" "okay then".

It should sound something more like you sitting him down to talk about the living situation. You mention how he's staying here, eating, using water, heat, electricity etc. Tell him that despite him "officially" living elsewhere, you also consider him to be "living" with you, and if he would like to continue this unofficial arrangement he will have to be contributing. It doesn't matter what he considers official or not... according to YOU (and your place) he is "living" with you. And along with that status comes x, y, and z. At that point give him the choice to step up and pay or to clean up his stuff and take them home. He should pack an overnight bag.