So I like this girl, Can I trust her?

[Hollywood_]

So I've been dating this girl that I met about a year ago for the last 4 months or so. We started hanging out after seeing each other at some random party (one of those, hey I remember meeting you deals). Since we started hanging out there hasn't been a day where we haven't talked to each other in some way, shape or form. She is really easy to talk to and we both seem to get along very well.

Here is the thing, she has only had one serious boyfriend in her life (4 years) and he was in the military. She ended up cheating on him and it created a viscous cycle where they would just cheat on each other but remain together (dysfunctional I know..). He was her first (when she was 15) and now she is 20. She has been straight forward about the whole thing when I bring it up. They broke up for good in January of this year.

I'm the only other guy she has introduced to her parents (who seem to like me) other than her ex. I went to Santa Monica yesterday with her and her family, they will sort of joke about me because people think we are boyfriend/girlfriend but she always introduces me as her "friend". I have told her that our relationship (whatever it is) has gotten to the point for me where I want it to be exclusive and if it isn't then I can't keep dating her (I'm doing this to protect myself in a way). When I bring this up (I have a couple of times over the last month or so) she tells me that she can't have a boyfriend but she understands that if she were to date other guys I wouldn't be there anymore.

Is this her subtly telling me that I'm about to get used or is this because of some insecurities she may have because of her past relationship? I'm not sure and its tough for me to think clearly here because I do like her (sort of puts the blinders on).

Now I also know that she did the whole party girl thing for a while after the breakup with her ex. When we started hanging out this was obvious because her phone would be going off during booty call hours. She would tell me when other guys (that she had hooked up with before) wanted to hang out with her somewhat indirectly when we would be texting but ultimately not end up hanging out with them. Or at least I don't think she was (If she was then why would she be telling me that they are texting her right?). She also is the kind of girl who is very dependent on her phone and rarely leaves it unattended.

I really hope that someone here can help me figure out what is going on here and give me another perspective on this whole situation. I really do like this girl enough to make her my gf but not if I'm going to be the guy who gets cheated on and lied to throughout the whole relationship. If she were to cheat on me that would be the end of it for sure, no matter what I feel for her (just my view on relationships). My question to you guys is should I be pursuing this relationship further or does this only spell bad news in my future? I am 22, have a lot going for me and I'm very loyal when it comes to girls that I like (never have cheated and never plan to).

[girl68]

You said you want to protect yourself? Then do it. Ask her to be your gf, if she says she "can't" bye bye. That is protecting yourself.

If she likes you the same way you like her she can be your gf. If she "can't" it's becasue she doesn't WANT to.

[ellie]

My question to you guys is should I be pursuing this relationship further or does this only spell bad news in my future?

Yes. If this is the beginning, what's further down the road?
You said she already told you she can't have a boyfriend. That's your answer. She doesn't want a relationship, so I don't think there's any point for you to pursue this thing further. She's not that into you. If she were, she wouldn't be texting/seeing these other guys.

Back off, let her be and find something else to do. Hang out with your friends. If she really likes you she has to put more effort into this. You can't force someone into commiting when the want to "play the field". Plus, as you stated, you dont want a cheating gf.

Ask her once and for all what she wants. If she still says she doesnt want a relationship with you, then just leave her. Don't contact her anymore.

[CocoChanel]

I am the one and only Hollywood. Die hard. :/

[Ath]

Well, I'm no expert, but in my experience if she cheated on her previous bf, then she'll cheat on you too. That's my 2 cents anyways, I vote move on now and avoid the inevitable.

-Ath

[Hollywood]

Once a cheater... always a cheater.

[Hollywood_]

Thanks for the replies guys..

Girl 68.. When I met her she was playing the field and dating around, as was I but once we started hanging out on a regular basis that changed..

Ive talked to a couple of her friends about the situation and they seem to think that its different because her ex was in the military and I'm not. She would go 8 months without seeing him. She was still in high school at this point as well.

Oh and elle, she does put a good amount of effort into whatever it is that we are. She lives about 30 minutes away from me and she will get days of work and try to change her schedule to spend time with me. This is another reason why its tough for me to tell whats going on with us..

On one hand she seems like she really does want us to work but on the other will shy away from the idea when I bring it up. (I.E. She will act like she wants to be my gf but wont admit it). I suppose that could mean that she isn't into me or could it be something else? I really have no idea.. Another question for you guys.

I mean the fact that she just invited me to go skiing with her parents in big bear means something I would think. There are too many signals for me to come up with a clear conclusion at this point...

I'm leaning now to giving her a sort of ultimatum. Maybe I should ask her "what are we"? or something like that.

Let me know after hearing this if you still think I should drop all ties and cut my losses while I can, an outside perspective really helps guys. Thanks in advance.

[girl68]

If the situation were reversed, everyone would advise "her" to have the "talk". IE the "what are we talk".

Like anyone, you want what you want. If you want a gf- ask her. If she rejects, find a girl who WANTS you, as her bf.

Make her explain the I can't have a bf thing. If she doesn't come up with a damned good reason, I would say nope- she's not into you. And if that's the case you wonder why all the mixed signals. Because she wants to keep you around becasue she loves the attention you give her. Makes her feel nice and wanted- though she doesn't want to have to be yours therefore she says she "can't", but really she means- I don't want...

[Wallace Stevens]

If the situation were reversed, everyone would advise "her" to have the "talk". IE the "what are we talk".

Like anyone, you want what you want. If you want a gf- ask her. If she rejects, find a girl who WANTS you, as her bf.

Make her explain the I can't have a bf thing. If she doesn't come up with a damned good reason, I would say nope- she's not into you. And if that's the case you wonder why all the mixed signals. Because she wants to keep you around becasue she loves the attention you give her. Makes her feel nice and wanted- though she doesn't want to have to be yours therefore she says she "can't", but really she means- I don't want...

This is absolutely credited. Men need to understand that young women love male attention, even if they're not sexually interested in the man.

[Hollywood_]

This is absolutely credited. Men need to understand that young women love male attention, even if they're not sexually interested in the man.

I understand that all girls are attention whores to a certain extent but I'm not sure that is the case here. Could be, I guess I'll find out eventually either way.

Oh and she definitely is sexually interested, that is the one thing I know for sure.. When we first started hooking up the sexual energy was off the charts and eventually we both admitted to it being more than just for the sex. How much more? Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out.

Thanks again girl68.. I'm gonna bring the "what are we?" question up as soon as I get the chance.

This ain't my first rodeo, I know many of the games girls like to play. I'm really just unsure if this one is really trying to turn things around or if she is really just a player.

[NeoSeminole]

I didn't even have to read your post to answer your question. No, girls are not to be trusted.

[ellie]

Sorry I didn't read all of your replies above, but I think I can pretty much say that, yes Hollywood, she may like you a lot and be willing to put effort, and perhaps she already IS putting a lot of effort into this thing, as you already stated. But it is oviously not enough, and you know it too, otherwise there would have been no need to ask the question in the first place.

And no, I don't think there is such a thing as "not wanting a relationship" if you're REALLY into someone.

What reason does she give you for not wanting a relationship?

As girl68 already said, "Make her explain the I can't have a bf thing. If she doesn't come up with a damned good reason, I would say nope- she's not into you"

Except that yes, she may be into you - but not into you enough!


Again, a classic: You can't eat the cake and have it too, and it is exactly what she wants; keep you around but not want you as her bf.

And she can't have both, and you have to make this clear to her.



(I have been in the same position as you a dozen of times, and I learned from my mistakes)

[tooxshort]

My question to you guys is should I be pursuing this relationship further or does this only spell bad news in my future? I am 22, have a lot going for me and I'm very loyal when it comes to girls that I like (never have cheated and never plan to).

No, you shouldn't continue to pursue this in terms of turning it into a relationship. Basically, what she's telling you is that she does not want to be tied down in an exclusive relationship right now and is more into the "come what may" mindset.

And why are you still on the fence about her anyway? She has been straightforward with how she has handled relationships in the past and she's a phone-whore. Is that your ideal girlfriend? Don't get caught up in your own vicious cycle.

If you want to enjoy her as a companion, go right ahead, but keep yourself grounded and don't fall too deep.

[Hollywood_]

Ok so here is the conversation that went absolutely nowhere... This is just getting comical to me now. I feel like some sort of joke.

Me: I dont tell you that

I want to know what we are..

if what we have right now is as far as you wanna take it, then I dont think I can keep seeing you

Her:

not that im saying this is as far as i want to take it, but why would you have to stop seeing me?

Me:

to protect myself, I mean we have been dating for what 3, 4 months.. If you dont want anything more than what we have then I have to stop so I dont get emotionally invested any more..

If we keep hanging out and it turns out to be nothing then it would be harder for me ya know

I could care less about the boyfriend title.. I just want to know how you feel..

Her:

so what do you want out of it? i mean what would be different

Kent:

what do I want out of what?

Her:

well what is it that you want to change then?

Me:

I want you to actually tell me what you actually feel.. I honestly have no idea

you always avoid my questions

Her:

you dont know?

Me:

no I dont know

Her:

i wish you asked me this yesterday when you were here. i know you wanted to

Me:

yeah I really did but I smoked so I thought I was being dumb

its tough for me to bring up stuff like this cuz it means I actually have to confront what I feel

so..



arent you ok with the way things are now?



what do you mean exactly

just us dating?

Her:

ya i mean how we are now. are you not okay with it

Me:

I can handle it if you arent ready for a relationship, I understand that because of your ex or whatever the reason may be, thats not the problem

dani, I just want to know how you actually feel.. you still havent said that really

I feel like im your lauren or something..

and if you are saying what we are ... is as far as we can go then yeah I have a problem with that..

Her:

whats wrong with what we are right now

i think the next step is you being my boyfriend and you said you didnt care about that

Me:

care about not being your bf or being your bf?

Her:

u said you could care less about the title

Me:

honestly Im not opposed to being your boyfriend but if you dont want the title then I understand

I just want to know why

I dont need you to be my girlfiend or whatever, thats not what im saying.. I just kinda wanna get everything out there on the table

so I actually know what is going on

because I do like you, ya know..

I hope that makes sense..

Her:

i feel likke we should talk about this when youre here...

Me:

well I should have brought it up yesterday I know

why are you so reluctant to tell me anything? thats the part I dont understand..

its like ive showed you my cards and I still dont know what you are playing with

doesnt seem fair

Her:

i dont know what to say?

Me:

you can say.. I dont know what I want.. I like you but I want to be single.. I want to keep hanging out with you.. you have to know what you feel

if you arent telling me because you know I wont like it then I get it.. is that it?

Her:

i want to keep hanging out with you

and i think where were at is a good place

Me:

well you know how I feel.. I just wish you could give me more that that...

I dont want to be used

Her:

you think im using you


I really dont, but its happened to me before

I just would hate to be in that situation again you know

Her:

i dont know what to say.. can we talk about this when you come back

Me:

why dont you know what to say babe..

Her:

idk something i say might come out wrong over the internet

Me:

well then ill call you ok?

unless you really dont want to talk about it..

Her:

no just face to face

Me:

I dont like the way this sounds..

its making me feel like im not gonna see you again

Her:

no were gonna keep seeing each other

Me:

I hope so..

Her:

we will... i just think if were gonna talk about this itd be better to do it when youre here so we'll talk aobut it when you come back is that okay

Me:

yeah I understand that, it just sucks because I still dont know a thing

Her:

i said i like spending time with you

Me:

yeah you have said that before, I just hope that isn't the extent of it..

Her:

we'll talk about it later k

in the meantime.. i miss you

[girl68]

Oh she sounds just like a man who refuses to give what the girl wants/ needs.

And don't lie, you care about the title; I know you do.

She won't tell you how she feels because she doesn't want to get sucked into anything. She doesn't want to be exclusive to you, she doesn't want to have to restrict her friendships with other males. She doesn't want to have to give up the single life. Basically she wants all the boyfriend benefits from you without having to give up anything on her part.

Does "you can't have cake and eat it too" ring a bell?