Public Safety Awareness Report

[Mish]

Public Safety Awareness Report
MONDAY, NOV. 29

Larceny- Church St.

A faculty member reported the theft of a pencil. Public safety determined he was an idiot and punched him in the head.

Suspicious Smell- In Town

Two Public Safety Officers reported to a response of a suspicious smell and smoke coming from a student's room. Both Officers returned to the Public Safety Office two hours later, giggling hysterically and eating Dunkin Donuts.

Larceny- Pine St.

A student reported the theft of his girlfriend.

TUESDAY, NOV. 30

Larceny – Lawn Ave.

A student reported the theft of a dildo from his butt crack.

Loud Noise – Fountain Ave.

A student reported a loud noise. Public safety determined that it was your mom having an orgasm.

Medical Assist – Huber Ave.

Public safety responded to the report of a student who severely injured his penis while masturbating.

Larceny - Washington St.

A student reported the theft of his identity.

Suspicious Person – Foss Hill

A student reported someone in his dorm room. Public safety determined that it was himself.

WEDNESDAY, DEC. 1

Vandalism- Church St.

Public Safety observed damage to your face.

Suspicious Substance- Court St.

Public Safety responded to a report of a white powdery substance in the bathroom of Well-Being House.

Suspicious Smell- Foss Hill

Public Safety responded to a report of a suspicious smell emanating from Mocon. It was determined to be the food.

THURSDAY, DEC. 2

Suspicious Substance- LoRise

Public Safety responded to a report of a suspicious substance on a LoRise floor. It was determined to be water.

Larceny- Foss Hill

A student reported the theft of his virginity.

FRIDAY, DEC. 3

Larceny- Lawn Ave.

A student reported the theft of her brain cells. They were determined to have been stolen by the Ampersand.

Suspicious Circumstances- WestCo

Public Safety responded to a report of students not smoking pot.

Suspicious Circumstances- Eclectic

Public Safety responded to a report of students not snorting cocaine.

SATURDAY, DEC. 4

Suspicious Activities-Brainard Ave.

A student reported a peculiar light emanating from his bathroom. It was determined to be Aurora Borealis.

Suspicious Substance- Church St.

A student reported a strange white substance in her thesis carrel. It was determined to be semen.

Larceny- High St.

A student reported the theft of his lucky charms.

SUNDAY, DEC. 5

Medical Assist- Westco

A freshman was transported by ambulance to the emergency room for a fatal erection.

Larceny- Foss Hill

A student reported the theft of her vibrator.

[Gigabitch]

Larceny- Pine St.

A student reported the theft of his girlfriend.

I liked this one.