am I being too jealous?

[alicia2601]

I feel so insecure about myself and our relationship when my b/f goes online to find attractive to look at. I've addressed this issue to him, and he says he thinks it not completely right too....and that he hasn't done it for awhile. But to me, the damage has already been done...why did he do it to begin with? especially if he says that i'm so beautiful. It doesn't help that i'm a jealous person either So can anyone give me any insight on why he'd wanna purposely go out and look at gorgeous women? IS it just a guy thing?

[Killerbabe]

Oh, I'm so in your shoes, dear. My boyfriend went to a stripper party and a penthouse later on for his friend's bachelor party. I was really hurt and disappointed...and hurt again. Big time disappointed... I know how it feels. You just feel like by doing *that* he just violated the purity, the dedication of your relationship, by doing something utterly gross.

BUT- you have to understand that it's not cheating, not exactly. You can't ask of a man complete dedication in terms of fantasizing and looking. They look, even though they LOVE. They just can't help it. Some work on it, some just don't see the big deal. Older men are more experienced in hiding it...younger guys just ogle.

The one thing that matters is that he loves you.In the long run, he'll come home with YOU. At the end of the day it's YOUR face he looks in whil loving you.

If that doesn't help, here's a little tip: try to imagine yourself in his shoes. I mean, you look at guys too, don't you? Now I know what you might say "but I don't want him, and etc." But the truth is, maybe he doesn't even want that girl - maybe he's just looking, just as you look at peculiar people.

Finally, as to going online, well that's just staright up obvious. He's sexually frustrated, and he must be comparatively young, right? That'll go away with maturity.

[alicia2601]

Oh, I'm so in your shoes, dear. My boyfriend went to a stripper party and a penthouse later on for his friend's bachelor party. I was really hurt and disappointed...and hurt again. Big time disappointed... I know how it feels. You just feel like by doing *that* he just violated the purity, the dedication of your relationship, by doing something utterly gross.

BUT- you have to understand that it's not cheating, not exactly. You can't ask of a man complete dedication in terms of fantasizing and looking. They look, even though they LOVE. They just can't help it. Some work on it, some just don't see the big deal. Older men are more experienced in hiding it...younger guys just ogle.

The one thing that matters is that he loves you.In the long run, he'll come home with YOU. At the end of the day it's YOUR face he looks in whil loving you.

If that doesn't help, here's a little tip: try to imagine yourself in his shoes. I mean, you look at guys too, don't you? Now I know what you might say "but I don't want him, and etc." But the truth is, maybe he doesn't even want that girl - maybe he's just looking, just as you look at peculiar people.

Finally, as to going online, well that's just staright up obvious. He's sexually frustrated, and he must be comparatively young, right? That'll go away with maturity.

I'm 20 and he's 21. We only see each other on the weekends as of right now. We go to the same college, so we'll be w/ each other everyday here in about 2 wks. As far as him being sexually frustrated, i give him what he wants, WHEN he wants it lol. But like i said, we DO only see each other on the weekends. I forget if i mentioned this, but he does look at porn, which i dont mind. So i dont know why he cant just turn to porn if hes "frustrated". He said he can't explain himself on this topic, other then its a guy

[Illusional]

ahhh.. i have found your post..

well basically i think that it depends on how the person will take it. from my POV, i could care less if my gf went to a strip club or matsterbated to other men and what not. the bottom line that i feel this way is because i think that it's not cheating. a lot of people have many different thoughts on this, and i feel that as long as people are honest with eachother, and there isn't anything that involves contact, it's all good. people are only human, so it's only natural to look at sexy people, and wonder what it would be like to have sex with that person. however if you don't cross that boundary, i feel that nothing is wrong.

also you feel that you're insecure about yourself?? what is it that you think is so unattractive?? basically i would tell you to hit the gym and make that ass firm. secondly, your bf does think you're attractive, however he also thinks that many other people are. don't you feel that your bf is handsome, yet you probably think that brad pitt is another stud. what i'm getting at is that there are many attractive people in this world, so again, he will be drawn to it.. does this help? raverboy

[Cybog]

Finally, as to going online, well that's just staright up obvious. He's sexually frustrated, and he must be comparatively young, right? That'll go away with maturity.

This is a little niave. I am niether sexually frustrated nor young, but I sure as hell enjoy looking at the occasional bush here and there.

I have 5 pieces of art in my home ranging from $75 to $2500, all erotic. From single women to lesbian acts. I change my wallpaper almost weekly to highlight a new girl. My screensaver is close to 3,000 images, all pornographic.

Does my girlfriend mind one bit? No. She helps me pick the stuff out.

The simple fact remains, that some of you women need to get it through your brains that no matter what you do, or how controlling you want to be, you will NEVER stop a man from looking at other women. We are, by nature, visually stimulated.

The more you try to put those shackles of control on him and tell him "Don't Look!", the more resented he will become, and likely boring.

Any man who says "Oh, my girlfriend and I have an agreement...I dont even look at another girl!" is a bold faced liar, gay, or both. And any woman who thinks she has her man "in check" and that he doesnt check out other women is about as gullible as they get.

My point? Stop being so jealous. As long as he didnt touch the stripper, then what are you afraid of? Pornography in general is not necessarily a bad thing...its only when it consumes you that it becomes a problem. Men who have a healthy appitite of being able to look at the occasional ass without getting slapped for it in the morning don't live in fear and shame.

Thankfully, I dont. Neither should he.

Im quite sure he thinks you are attractive, and your relationship is not going to suffer if he looks at porn here and there. Hes a 21 year old guy! Why dont you cut his balls off while you are at it??

Trust me. It's not going to be the end of your relationship. When you find out he is getting lap dances or jerking off to gay porn, thats when you need to be concerned.

[alicia2601]

i dont mind him lookin at porn! its when he goes and looks for pretty girls online to check out, i dont see the point in that. Porn i understand b/c its a tool, hell i even look at it. I just dont see the point in intentionally goin online and lookin for gorgeous women, clothed or half naked, while he's at it. *i know this sounds stupid, it's hard to explain*

[Cybog]

I dont really see what you are defining as the difference between the two.

Explain.....?

[alicia2601]

well hmmm lets see if i can try to explain it better....ok, i have a low self esteem as it is....and him tellin me on a daily basis that he loves me and thinks i'm beautiful, then turning around to find other attractive females to look at kinda hurts me. Although he tells me that i'm so completely different from how he feels bout these girls, as far as beauty is concerned, and how he feels about me. I dont see it.

[Illusional]

dammit... stubborn people. =P~

raverboy

[alicia2601]

i'm not tryin to be stubborn

[Illusional]

haha... take it easy girl... and listen to your quote. your man is trustworthy.. so you have nothing to worry about.. raverboy

[alicia2601]

Killerbabe, i asked my b/f last night if he was seriously sexually frustrated, here's what he said...

drzeus01 (11:57:09 PM): I get what I want and when I want it from you
drzeus01 (11:57:18 PM): you provide me with more than enough!

[blue]

you see you were going over board with this hole issue, but i think that you should work on your low self esteem i belive that this eventually will bring on more issues in your realtionship, so what is up with the whole low self esteem?

[alicia2601]

I don't know....it mostly has to do w/ other attractive girls out there, and I compare myself to them. Like, what do they have that I don't? I honestly do find myself attractive. I have short blonde hair, tan, blue eyes, and weigh 145 lbs. But i still find myself lookin at someone and sayin, god i wish i had that. And also, i've been brought down all my life. I don't think i'm smart at all...like book smart, or "money smart", anything. So for someone to call me dumb (and it's happen) when i already THINK that i'm dumb, I believe them b/c it's what's already in my head. But luckily, my b/f has put up w/ it for 3.5 yrs now

[Killerbabe]

Alicia -

I am sorry to say this but this is just not fair. I think that your boyfriend needs to really dig deep into his messed up self and figure out what the problem is. Looking at porn is one thing, but checking out other pretty women is just disrespect, if he does that intentionally. It's not just "looking". By doing that he gets you down.

It lowers your self-esteem but what's more and what Cybog doesn't realize is that ALICIA unlike his girlfriend DOES MIND. And the unspoken law of love between the two people in a relationship clearly states that if one person in a relationship makes another unhappy, then the other person OUGHT to do something to make the other person feel better. OUGHT because he loves.

Wouldn't you sacrifice something to keep the love of another person? If it's between her and other gorgeous women, well he'd better make up his mind. Or see a psychologist.