Why do we always have to ask?

[jb182]

Hey everyone.

It's been about a month since my ex broke up with me. We hadn't been together for a long time - just over two months to be completely honest - which sounds very small compared to some of the stories you all have told here.

Having said this, we seemed to get along instantly and the relationship became comfortable at the speed of light, in the sense that we would see each other a lot during the week, stay at each others places a lot, go to the movies etc. It seemed like we always wanted to be together. We even joked that this was the first time both of us have "rushed" into a relationship so quickly, although it felt completely natural to both of us.

Anyways, I don't want to go on for too long. After a couple of months, she ended it because she said that she "didn't feel the spark" anymore. She saw me as more of a friend and wanted to just hang out with me in that sense. I didn't see it coming at all as we'd been having so much fun.

Needless to say, I was pretty upset. I guess on the inside I felt like I'd found a girl who would stick with me for a while. I went through the typical couple of weeks of feeling like shit, I'm feeling okay-ish about it now.

I should have seen it coming, because from what I could tell, most of her previous relationships had only lasted a couple of months. Maybe they get too serious for her?

We've caught up once since then, it was a little awkward at first, but after a while we both relaxed and it was quite enjoyable. We just watched a movie and ate pizza, talking and laughing.

Unfortunately, the whole "trying to be friends" thing is falling apart. She went to the movies the other night with another guy, naturally I asked who it was and she told me. Then she went on to explain that every time she catches up with this guy, they have sex. I was pretty shocked she told me and said "I'd prefer not to talk about that sort of thing", she then flipped out and said I was a sook, that I'm worse than a girl and that we can't be friends if she has to censor herself.
Shouldn't things be a little more balanced?

I don't know if there's a question in there or not. I guess I'm just venting. I know I probably shouldn't talk to her. But I guess there's a part of me that's still getting over her. Anyone have thoughts on this?

[relationship]

Sounds like you two had fun for a while. I don't think that you can analyze this one too long. Just chalk it up as a good time.

By the way, I know that you are thinking that this friend thing won't work, and you are right....

[jb182]

haha yeah you're right. There's a small part of me that really wants to try and be friends, but I guess deep down that's only because I'm still getting over her. I guess it's annoying that she's friend with most of her ex's, but for some reason seems to have trouble with me.

[Lava_twilight]

Friends with ex's doesn't work. My ex seems to enjoy telling me about his new girlfriend and what they get up to...I think now he thinks we are 'mates' he can share the same info with me as he does his male friends. He doesn't think it hurts or bothers me - but it does - she might be the same.

Either way, being a friend to an ex is all good - until someone else is brought into the picture. Then, it doesn't work

It's too early for you (and me) to be friendly with your ex....it still hurts like hell - and to hear that they are doing this with other people is painful. IMO, I'd say do what I'm doing. Let them get on with it, and if it means cutting contact do so. That way, you can't get hurt but - by trying to be friends with her, you are holding to what is left from what was good. You can't get hurt by something that isn't there to hurt you anymore

Good luck xx

[jb182]

Thanks Lava, you're spot on. Sounds like you're in a very similar situation. I start a new job tomorrow, so hopefully that will help take my mind off of her as well.

[Chazza2k]

Another here in total agreement that the friends thing I don't think will work at all with you both. Not now at least perhaps in 6-12months time if you have moved on by then? You still have feelings for her, when she talks about other guys and confides things like that in you its just uncomfortable for you. Don't put yourself through that stuff.

Move on, cut contact, Find someone else.

Good luck.

[Lava_twilight]

Thanks Lava, you're spot on. Sounds like you're in a very similar situation. I start a new job tomorrow, so hopefully that will help take my mind off of her as well.

I might just waffle a lot but I know what I mean haha x

Good luck with the new job, it will help. In the last month I've got a new house, got my horses and family to keep me busy & I've joined a gym. All good stuff. I won't lie to you and say it's not going to be hard, - it bloody well is!! At least we both know we've got the guys on here to rant to when the going gets tough! xx

Any time I can help, holla!!

[jb182]

Thanks Lava. I have another little tidbit already haha.

So as I said, I started a new job today and who should call me at the end of the day? My ex. She was very nice and relaxed, asking me how my first day was and what I think of the job.

Of course I talked back and told her, it's so weird (and annoying I guess). It's a lot harder to try and cut contact when she does this. Been through anything similar?

[Lava_twilight]

I'm going through almost the same, except he calls (my mums house across the street) when he knows I'll be there. Asks me (politely) how my new house is, how's my mum....etc And as my parents do not know the whole breakup situation, it's hard to not talk to him, as they are there, all smiley like they think we are getting back together & stuff....so I know exactly how you feel. It's akward isn't it, hope someone can help us! Don't want to be an ars*hole, least he is being nice, could have gone the other way & been total screaming matches.....argh!

Hope you did get on ok anyhow, first day at a new job is always jittery...well I find it is anyway

[jb182]

haha yeah we are in a very similar situation. It's almost easier when they're nasty or whatever, because it's easier to ignore them! haha

[ellie]

Distance yourself from her until you have zero feelings for her and can be her platonic friend, and hear about her guys and not feel jealous.

That's probably gonna take a while so just move on. Maybe you will have to just let her know you can't be friends right now, and tell her to stop calling etc, because you have feelings. And that you will get in touch when you are ready to be just friends.

[jb182]

So I told her that I think we should stop talking for a while because of how I felt. It didn't go down too well. We were talking on the phone and she got very angry, saying things like "How will we ever be friends when you can't even talk to me?" "How do you think it makes me feel that you don't want to even speak to me?". I guess they've valid points, I didn't think of how it would seem from her perspective. It ended on a pretty sour note with her deleting me from facebook (which sounds like nothing, but is kind of a big deal haha).

I'm confused now, I know it's good for me to not talk to her, but I can't help but feel bad for what I said to her.

[ellie]

They are not valid points, she is being a bit selfish now and trying to make you feel guilty. Of course she is angry, she wants you to be her friend and you just told her you have feelings and can't be friends. Since she apparantly doesn't have the same sort of feelings for you as you do for her, it's easy for her to get angry - in her opinion you are being unreasonable and stubborn. Which is easy for her to say, because she just wants your friendship and doesn't see why it is so difficult for you to be just friends.

Are you with me?

Seriously, you should NOT feel bad! If it hurts you too much to be with her and hear about her boyfriends she should respect that you need some space.

If she doesn't, she may not be that good a friend. Sorry to say that, but sometimes you have to consider what is best for you and accept that others may not want the same thing.

You want her friendship and can handle the platonic friendship thing - contact her and tell her you're sorry.
If not - let it be. It's not worth it, if she can't respect your feelings.

=)

[Cbrider]

She's immature and controlling, you can draw that straight out of your posts. Lemme guess, you wouldn't dare think about talking to another girl or hanging out with female friends while you were dating her?

Its her way or no way, you're being unfair to yourself. You have the RIGHT to tell her you don't want to speak to her and she will respect it one way or another.

I had an ex who I had a nasty break with. She was controlling, uncompromising and generally a bitch. After the break I told her I had no desire to speak to her or see her face again. About every month like clockwork she would find a way to contact me, even calling at one point and blaming it on her phone mis-dialing, only to come clean about it in a follow up text about 10 minutes later.

This shit went on for like 6 months, I just continued to ignore her and she finally got the message that I meant what I said and stopped. I have seen her once in person since then, she was with another friend of mine and they were having girls night out downtown or something. It was almost natural to not even acknowledge her presence.

Its been long enough that I could be "friends" (use that term loosely) from the stand point that it doesn't hurt me to see her with someone else, but I have absolutely no motivation to even reciprocate action. I see no benefit in it for me and she has absolutely nothing to offer, she was a drain from the start.

When you come across a girl like you had who seems to have that toxic personality, you will in time, just realize therte is nothing to gain, so why expend energy on a wasted "friendship?"

She only wants to be friends because she can get something out of it, your well being is in no way factored into her choice, believe me.

[jb182]

Thanks everyone, you've pinned what's going on very well. I think the best thing to do at the moment is just wait it out. I'm certainly not going to make the effort to mend things.

A lot of my friends are saying similar things, why waste my time? It still sucks a little - I guess I'm pretty sensitive when it comes to relationships - but I know in time I'll be right. Ellie and Cbrider, you guys are spot on. It's so nice to have other people out there who know what I'm going through!