Sad and Curious Situation

[chrisy]

Here's a short version of my issue with an old college friend.

We met at college, he had his girl and I had my guy - both of whom were not at college. We fooled around and had fun without actually having sex. It was fun and we spent every day together for the short time that we were 'friends". My guy at that time sent me my ticket to return home for summer. I went home and when I returned, he never spoke to me again. I moved on and later married the rebound guy. Several years later he married his girl. I divorced a few years ago and he is currently going through a terrible divorce - three kids.

Two years ago he emailed me. We talked. He said he loves me but I don't believe him. I still do have feeling for him - I always did but I am not foolish. He is on the west coast and I am on the east coast. We have not seen each other.

In 12/07, I told him that we should meet as friends just to see if there were anything there. It seemed to be the logical thing to do. I planned the trip and then he disappeared. He pulled that "disappearing" act once again after promising to contribute to a proposal to bid on a contract for IT services. During this time he told me that younger women looked better than older women. He also indicated that he knew of a woman in her 30's who surprisingly looks good for her age. I was not intimidated or hurt, I told him if that was what he preferred, he should just "go for it". After all, my Pops was 20 years older than my Mom. He was offended, etc..

He later confessed to me that he was using coke at that time but now he is clean. He also confessed that he had two young women/friends - prostitutes. According to him, he does not know why he went to the "dark side". This is someone whom I truly admired back in college - very intelligent with all of life's promises ahead of him. It's tragic and very disappointing to hear of the choices he made.

Fast forward to a few months ago. He joined Face Book and of course he did not invite me to be "a friend". It's not that he had to or that I wanted him to - it's just an observation. His three daughters, family members, college friends and old friends are there plus a picture of one young "club-looking" woman (idk how else to describe her in a positive way). It's none of my affair and I am fully aware of this - enough said. His father died suddenly and he was crushed. I was/am there as a friend "by phone" and he said that my being there makes it more bearable. He keeps insisting that he loves me. I don't believe him and have told him so. Given the messiness of the ongoing divorce, I also told him that he should not date anyone at this time.

I think about the young man that I knew back then and I am saddened and disappointed. I would be there for him because I do believe that he needs a friend PLUS I want to see him thrive and make wise decisions.

I am curious: Why does he insist that he loves me when he doesn't? Why does he say that he wants a relationship when he doesn't? Why does he say those thing when he does not have to because my friendship is truly what it is? Accordingly to what he has said, his ex was verbally abusive and violent prior to his going to the "dark side". In fact, he took out a restraining order on her last year.

Sorry for the long post but I am trying to understand this situation - it's just my nature. Plus I truly care for him enough to want to see him do well and be happy with whomever is good for him.

[FullofSighs]

Sounds like he just wants to use you for sexual pleasures, i say that you should just forget about him, but then again it is hard to not help someone when they need help esp with a background you two have. So you can help him, but don't let it go any farther, he more than likely wants to just use you for sexual things, and thinks that he can get that just by saying that stuff. If he is a coke head or was, doesnt change the fact that he was/is one and will more than likely go back to it sooner or later.

[Sanctuary]

Why does he insist that he loves me when he doesn't? Why does he say that he wants a relationship when he doesn't?

Usually when a guy says those things he just wants sex but this is a rather complicated scenario. He does seem rather lonely too.

Without knowing all the details I can't say anything for sure. Hope he works out his issues. Good luck

[Bumble_bee]

he is trying to remember is life when it was less complicated, it sounds like nostalgia, and being around you represents that time.

It is better not to read into this, he is clearly having a hard time, but his confessions about the ''dark side'' indicate that his mutterings of love are mearly to gain a minute of what you had back then, and nothing long term...

[chrisy]

I think that Bumblebee may have hit the nail on its head!

When he first contacted me, he indicated that he called because it was his birthday and he was thinking about the time when he was really happy. He indicated that it was back in college when we were together. I also think that Sanctuary made a noteworthy point of his loneliness. I think that if he were happy he would not have contacted me.

I really don't believe that this is about sex - we have not met and no further actions have been taken to do so. He has had (or is still having - idk) much of that with his two "friends" and others.

Bumblebee and Sanctuary - thanks for your responses! I don't believe that his real motivation is sex, love or a relationship. I believe that once he "feels better" or is in a "better place", he will move on. Finally, I can wrap my mind around what he says!

Thanks!

[Sanctuary]

Cool, we solved a mystery.

This forum works.

[Gigabitch]

Run, run, run. He says these things to pull you in. He probably really means them when he says them, too. Five minutes later? Probably not.

He's succeeded in intriguing you. He's a parasite and you're a potential host. Understand this before you put yourself in the position of being his "friend".

[chrisy]

Gigabitch said:

He's succeeded in intriguing you. He's a parasite and you're a potential host.

May I say thank you for giving me this other view of the situation?

I want to be his friend because I am thinking of the young guy back in college but through it all I have had this restlessness - an uneasiness - that something "is just not fitting". That's the reason why I decided to post this situation on the board - to get feedback for a light blub moment.

I have been trying to understand his questionable choices in life (dark side) and his untruthful declarations of love. I have asked myself continously "why does he say he loves me when he does not need to do so? Why can he not just allow a true friendship to develop?" I have really good guy friends (strictly platonic) where mutual respect and affection exist and, frankly speaking, I thought that he and I could have had that sort of friendship. Obviously, I was wrong because, if it were possible, he would not have felt the need to lie and continue lying.

Nostalgia? Lonliness? Parasite targeting a potential victim?

Maybe he stayed too long on the dark side and that promising young guy whom I knew back then no longer exists.

Thanks, Gigabitch!

[chrisy]

Wow!
Gigabitch! You are good!

OK. I considered the responses and decided to take a few steps backwards with this desire to be a friend to this guy - just for a short period of assessment. I have to raise my glass to Gigabitch because I now do believe that she was on the money in her assessment of the situation.

On Monday morning (Sept, 28, 2009) at 8.05am EST, I received an email from him - a one liner - asking how I was and "Miss talking to you." "Hugs and kisses".

Isn't it funny that I did not received such an email/text/telephone call on Saturday or Sunday but on Monday at 8.05am? Very, very interesting......

Do you know why this is interesting?

I am expecting to hear the final word as to whether my firm was awarded a contract from a federal agency any day now. We were told that we would hear from them by the end of September.

Gigabitch - I raise my glass to you!