Can't Let Go, But it Hurts to Hold On

[Linli]

Okay, sorry guys. This is going to be a long one.

First, I'd like to give in to my very insecure nature and explain some of my relationship history with my current beau in order to (perhaps) not come off as a complete psychopath (I'll attempt to make this short):

- We saw each other (VERY off and on) for a couple of years. I met him through a boyfriend, he was always in the back of my mind and I often used him as a tool to get out of relationships I felt were going stale which I had not the courage to end on my own (including the aforementioned one with the original introducing boyfriend).

- He was almost five years older than me and a very successful, well-informed university student. I felt very, very intellectually inferior to him, and he was the type of knowledgeable guy who had no problem letting me know exactly how inferior I was (many occasions of, "How do you not know that?!"). Admittedly, I allowed him to treat me this way, but it was because I respected his informative nature and just felt that, in light of my own ignorance, he had the right to treat me this way. It was the way in which I pictured myself scoffing at someone who I considered less bright than myself. (Believe me, I know exactly how conceited that sounds , blech.)

- During this time, he would often bring up other girls, but would consistently lead me on with the idea that there was something "special" about me, even though he had a habit of only calling me when he was drunk, often going home with other girls right in front of me, calling me obsessive, etc.

- This past Fall, I finally began to stick up for myself and demand a certain kind of treatment. I told him of my plan to go off to university and finally cut these toxic ties with him

- Naturally (as the law of "want what you can't have" would dictate), this spurred him into pursuing a relationship with me. I was incredulous and hesitant at first, I had never pictured myself trying to date this guy, for obvious reasons. We'd never had sex, so there wasn't that high level intimacy to hold on to or anything...

SO!

At first, needless to say, things were pretty rocky. I had a hard time making demands of him, as I was so used to letting him walk all over me, and was really just waiting around to see if he'd screw things up. I didn't even think he'd tell his friends we were dating, and still sort of had him on a pedestal in my mind.

To my great surprise, here we are nine months later. I ended up going to a different university to be near him, we were planning to live together, but all the while there have been these excruciating insecurities.
I can't seem to let the past go, and even when I try, any hint at an issue that could possibly relate to something in the past (e.g. mentioning that I think he's being dishonest or not telling the whole story) throws him into a total fit about how I'll never trust him, things aren't worth pursuing, he's tried so hard to change, etc., etc..

Then, on my end, I'm jealous of EVERYONE. He talks about a girl at work who's bilingual or has good taste in music, or a girl at the gym who's good at a certain technique he appreciates and I just freak out. I know that this stems from such a lengthy period of time during which I placed myself in a subordinate position to him, and allowed him to see whomever he wanted, was at his beck and call... but I can't help but wonder if it's something we can overcome. I just keep thinking that he'll find someone better suited to his needs, but in the next moment I'm thinking I should be working on finding someone better for MY needs! I mean, seriously, my issues with him do have legitimacy in their own context. I don't know if I SHOULD let them go.

Furthermore, any time we try to work through this stuff lately it just seems to end in silence from him. He's working on his Master's while I'm here finishing my BA, so we're both extremely busy. He just seems too tired and fed up to even try to talk things through with me anymore. BUT when it comes down to the argument, he's the first person to bring up a zillion things he resents about ME.

I think I'd break things off and suggest that he and I take some time to grow out of our insecurities alone, but I'm so afraid. Not only of losing someone that I truly respect as an equal in many ways, but also of being in complete solitude in a new place. We already decided not to live together for the time being, but now he has this choice to just drop me off at my place any time he doesn't feel like working stuff out, and the loneliness is paralysing. He lived here for four years doing his BA, thus, he has a whole social network to fall back on. I'm in a new city where I know maybe two people, and not nearly intimately enough for this sort of discussion. I didn't think this would be an issue until I realised just how busy everyone at home gets and just how forgettable that person out of town becomes.

Shit... I'm sorry. This really turned into just a huge rant, but I'd appreciate any insight whatsoever.
Thanks.

[RepeatingShot]

Give it another chance. Tell him exactly how you feel, everything. Do not be scared or hold back on ANYTHING.

Make sure you do it in a calm, planned out atmosphere. No TV's, turn off cell phones, and schedule a time slot of about 1-2 hours to talk.

Tell him all of this. If he wants to be with you, he will recognize his mistakes and fix them.

Also, he needs to be told what he is doing that is hurting you. Including how he gets angry when you tell him what's wrong.

[Gigabitch]

You need to make some other connections. Your phrase "toxic ties" was right on- this connection isn't good for you.

He sounds like an asshole to me. Am I wrong?

[Linli]

Ugh. Unfortunately I think you are both right, to some extent. I feel like he and I SHOULD be able to get passed all of this and learn to communicate, but I also think that, in some ways, past events will always have a lot of validity in my mind. I'm so torn.

His temper doesn't help, either. He becomes impossible to talk to once he's mad. Takes hours to get him back into conversation mode.

[IndiReloaded]

You need to make some other connections.

This was my first thought reading your post as well.

Linli, you don't sound at all comfortable being yourself in this relationship. I don't think we need to tell you this isn't okay.

I'm not sure you need to overreact and 'stick up for yourself', not in the sense that you end up fighting. Just know yourself enough in a situation when something isn't okay. Be confident enough to tell him its not, and why. Walk away for a while if things are going sideways.

Having some friends or other people you can associate with will help give you some independence and something to do when you don't want to deal with your BF. Do you work as well as go to school? Or volunteer? These are great ways to meet like-minded people.

If you are in a city, try meetup.com, think about joining a group. Are you active? You could look into local dojos. Generally, the folks doing MA are nice people.

[Gigabitch]

Linli, have you ever heard the phrase "polishing a turd"? I think that's what you're doing with this guy. Try as you might, you are never going to get a sheen.

[tiredofgames]

Linli, have you ever heard the phrase "polishing a turd"? I think that's what you're doing with this guy. Try as you might, you are never going to get a sheen.

What a great answer! It's so true that you can't change a person, no matter what.

[Linli]

Thank you all! I actually ended up taking RepeatingShot's advice, to some extent, and we had a very, very successful conversation about our mutual concerns. I think many of you know exactly how hard it can be to end something you've put some time into. Things are much better the past couple of days, I think he really understands where I'm coming from and vice versa. I hope we can keep working on things.
However, I completely agree with everyone who suggested that I make some new connections. I really do need to make a stand for myself so that I know that I won't be staying in a relationship out of fear. That meetup.com site sounds interesting. I'll have to give it a try. I'm currently unemployed, but going to school and participating in a volunteer program which is helping me to at least start networking with some people. I just have a crippling tendency to be super timid and can't really bring myself to make the first move. If anyone has any suggestions in that department (haha), please let me know!
Oh, and @Gigabitch & tiredofgames, I think that my man and I are likely both turds when it comes to relationship abilities, haha (Quite the analogy. I'll be using that one for sure, lawl). Maybe we're banking on the chance to change with one another enough to be compatible so that no one else has to deal with us .