In need of some good advice. Please help!!!

[NeedingYou]

SORRY SO LONG! (also, Hello! I'm new here)

I've been with this guy for 4 years and we have an 1 year old daughter. We have had a very rocky relationship but even when we decided to separate well always found our way back to each other. I've been there for him and him for me. It wasn't only love it was a companionship. But still, it was very rocky probably because of all the stress. We argued a lot.

After our daughter was born we moved in together and thing were going great for awhile. Then we started the arguing again. After her 1st birthday he decided to move out the next month. BUT he'd still come and stay the night and spend time with us. He told me that he loved me, we'd be intamite. Nothing really changed except for the fact that he didn't live with us anymore.

Well, just last month (August) he became very distant with me. He'd only want to talk about the baby. He didn't care what was going on with me. We did have sex for the last time in August but he didn't want to kiss me, hug me, nothing.. and he left afterward. I got depressed. I asked him if he's had sex with anyone else at first he'd say no but eventually he did. I became more depressed and started to call him nonstop, crying, and begging.

After making a fool out of myself for a couple of weeks. I decided to let it go. We'd just talk about the baby and he'd come see/get her and that was it. But he has recently met another girl and they are getting close (I guess)... he told me about her but also stated that he thinks I am involved with another guy and when I tried to tell him that I'm not he'd just cut me off with "I don't want to talk about it". I'm back being depressed.

I do want him back. I really do. I think things would be different this time between him and I. He tells me that he loves me but that he was tired of the arguing. If he'd give me another chance I'd make it so much better. I want my family back and I want to be with him.

I just need some advice on what I should do to get over this... WHILE trying to get him back (undercover style). I want to get him back but I don't want to let this depress me.

Please.. all advice is appreciated.

[misombra]

how old are you guys?

[Indignant]

yeah, them both sound really immature.

[NeedingYou]

What's immature? Please let me know. I'll take all advice.

I'm 21 and he is 22.

[misombra]

too young for serious relationships and having children.

unfortunately you'll have to deal with his immaturity for a long time. best thing is to not get physically involved with him and make sure he stays in your kids life. does he work? how do you all have money?

[NeedingYou]

He does work and I do too. We hit hard spots but for the most part we do a good job financially. Yeah, I got pregnant young but does that mean that there's no hope for us? Let's pretend that we're older... can I get advice on getting him back?

[misombra]

you need to focus less on getting him back and more on raising your child so that they don't make the same mistake you guys did.

[NeedingYou]

Oh, I am. & so is he. But I don't like to think of my daughter as a mistake. He is an excellent father. When it comes to the baby we got it together. It's me and him that need work. I want advice on me and him. Not the baby, we got that part covered.

[misombra]

he's going with some other girl. he doesn't want to be with you right now. very rarely does it work out where you're with the same person you were with when you were 16 when you're in your 20's.

planning a baby when you're in that situation was dumb. but now you have to be mature about it for the sake of your child. the mature thing to do would be to leave it alone. if he wanted to be with you right now, he would be.

[Carmen]

I think you have a chance at getting back together if you start taking care of yourself first and being a strong woman...Show him and yourself that you don't need him in your life to be happy (I know this is hard)..He probably left because it was too stressful for him..that's how guys are. Maybe you guys can get back together eventually but things have to change first...since you have a child together he'll always be a part of your life anyway so it's not like he'll disappear and you won't have a chance to show him your best side...and don't change things just for him, do it for yourself. The worse you can do is dwell on the past and blame him/yourself for what already happened. Look forward and think of what you can do now to improve yourself and your future relationships (with him or someone else)...I know it hurts to see him with someone else but there's nothing you can do to change that...but you can change your outlook on things. Let him be with her without showing that it bothers you...if you can successfully work on your own issues and gain confidence you may eventually attract him back towards you.
Be strong and patient. Take care of yourself and your baby first...
Best of luck,

[NeedingYou]

misombra - You misunderstood me. I didn't PLAN to have a baby I said I just don't like to look at my daughter as a mistake. We didn't plan for me to get pregnant at 19. I was even on birth control.

Carmen - Thank you so much. This is the type of response I was looking for - Truthful but with a positive outlook. And not just calling me young and dumb. Thank you so much, I agree with what you are saying.

[misombra]

getting pregnant at 19 is an accident, and choosing a very difficult life path. there is a strong need to grow up so you can raise your child. why don't you go and read to your child, and teach them something so their lives will be great when they get older, instead of bring more drama into your life with this guy.

time and energy trying to get this guy back is taking away from the time and energy you spend on yourself and your child.

time to grow up.

[NeedingYou]

So, what you are saying is because I'm young I can't take care of my child while asking for advice about my ex? I mean really? You're basing all your posts on my age. Would it help if I were 30 and asking this question? Would you be more willing to give advice without being rude?

My child is well taken care of.. I try to give her the world. I only log on to the internet when she is sleeping. I never go out unless it's important. I live for that little girl. I feel like you're attacking me as a mother. Why? I am young, yes. But am I an idiot? No. A bad mother? No. Can you focus less on my daughter please.

I'll just take it that your advice is "Let him go and focus on your daughter" minus the sly attacks on my parenting. Thanks.

[misombra]

they weren't sly. they were right out there. you can take my advice or leave it. since it's making you defensive i'm going to assume you're going to think about it. at least i hope so.

[NeedingYou]

Oh yes, I think about all advice and appreciate it. I just wish you could have been a little less disrespectful. Attacking me as a parent is very childish on your part.

But thanks for you time.