Some of you may vaguely remember my story, but here it is again, anyway. There's a girl that I was childhood friends with. From the moment I met her, I had a crush on her. As the years went on, I really think she came to be my first "love". Of course, at the time, I was way too shy and did little to let on; of course, we were still pretty young, so it's not like it would've went anywhere, anyway. She only ever had a vague idea that I had a thing for her (and even when she started to find out, she didn't exactly pull away, it almost even seemed like she was warming up to me a little). Sadly, she had to move away, and we fell out of touch, not having seen each other in a few years.

Last year, by nothing more than dumb luck, I found her online and we started chatting via one of those silly social networking sites. She seemed really happy to hear from me again, and as we kept chatting and as I learned more about who she's grown to be, my feelings (or, at the very least, my curiosity) started bubbling back up to the surface. There was, of course, a big bump in the road; she attends a university that's about two hours away from where I live (although, she comes from a city that's not very far from where I live). At one point, I made mention of possibly attending the same university as her, and she seemed thrilled to see me again.

But, my plans changed, and I decided to attend one a bit closer to home. I continued writing to her, still hoping to maybe work something out, but her interest seemed to be dwindling a bit, especially considering I wouldn't be "local" to her. Eventually, I bit the bullet and wrote to her about meeting up with me in person some time, but she just never got back to me on that. I didn't write to her for a few months, feeling kinda down. I tried writing to her again about Christmas time, and she seemed like she was okay with writing with me again, but it dwindled again pretty fast. Frustrated, I got a little overzealous, and wrote her a more long-winded message, and I kinda spilled my guts to her a tiny bit more than I probably should have, and I asked her about meeting up with me again. Again, she didn't get back to me. Of course, with this second message, I don't even know if she received it (because of a slight computer glitch), so I don't know for sure if she really "ignored" me, or if there was never anything for her to ignore.

I haven't written to her since. At first, I was kind of mad that she couldn't even answer my messages, if even to turn me down. But then, I think I kind of started to understand the "why" of things. I think that the reason she just kind of left me hanging with those messages is because she didn't want to get attached to some one that was so far away geographically. Long distance relationships are hard enough when a couple has to go from local to LDR, but to have to start in a LDR? In these last few months, I've come to realize that I don't want that, either. Heck, I'm having a hard enough time juggling a full time college schedule and a part time job; trying to maintain a relationship with some one that lives two hours away wouldn't exactly be the easiest thing on my plate.

Even still, I can't stop thinking about her. To be perfectly honest, I've never felt this strongly about another girl. Often times, people on these boards like to tell me that I don't "love" her, that I'm just "infatuated" with her, but I really honestly truly believe that what I originally felt for her was "love". Obviously, being that I haven't interacted with her in person in years, I can't say for sure that I still feel this way about her, but the curiosity behind that is the thing that's eating me up, really. I want to see her in person again, because I want to know how I'd really feel about her. I really feel that the only way for me to ever get "closure" one way or another is to see her again. Either I see her again, see that there's not enough chemistry there and finally move on with my life, or I see her again, feel that spark again, and try to pursue something yet again.

I don't even know what it is I'm asking here... I guess... Do you think it's still possible, some day, down the road, for me to ever encounter her in person again? Kind of a silly question, I suppose, being that we can't exactly predict the future. But it just can't happen now. The distance complicates things too much, and makes things too hard. But can I ever even talk to her again? You know, considering my awkward, kinda stupid approach online to her? Or did I totally kill any potential already?

I dunno, I'm sure I seem kind of pathetic. I just really feel that I need to see her again in order to figure everything out, and clear up all these pent up feelings I have inside me. I'm sure there are probably other ways to seek closure, but I've tried all kinds of stuff, and nothing works. I don't think there's any other way for me to get a grip but to see her again. I don't even know how I could ever get back in touch with her again, though, to be honest. The only "in" I can think of is that I just found out that a friend/ co-worker of mine has a brother that goes to the same university as this girl.

Eh, sorry that this topic got so long-winded; I think to an extent, I just really needed to vent. But a big thank you goes out to anyone that stuck around for this whole post, and especially those with any kind of helpful input.