First Relationship and breakup

[jeffbillups]

This is my first time ever posting to any forum like this. I apologize that this is quite lengthy, but I want to explain as best as I can. I know most people will see that it is long and may not read it, but if you are willing, then I thank you even just for listening to my situation. And thank you in advance for any help anyone can give!

I guess I'll start off with some background information. I am a freshman just entering a into college. Over my past four years in high school, I've occasionally thought about having a relationship with someone, but every time I'd always come back to the same conclusion. I thought that I was too busy and involved with activities and school to have time, or that I wasn't ready for that sort of thing yet because I was still figuring out who I was as an individual, and that I wouldn't know how to act or what to do. There was no one that I really felt much of a connection to, even when I considered the possibility as well. I continued this line of thinking up until my senior year and didn't know if having a girlfriend was worth it at that point in my life, but I was wrong.

So, moving on: This spring in February, I went to the musical that my high school performs annually, and this time it was Cinderella. After the play when I was driving home a weird longing/melancholy feeling came over me and remained for the next couple of days and I had no idea why at first. Even though I have a bunch of things going for me, everything suddenly seemed so trivial and meaningless. It felt like I had somehow done it all wrong, that there was something missing. The girl who played Cinderella in the play kept popping into my mind and I finally realized that maybe she was the reason. I know it's really cliche, but just like in the play, the guy sees the girl for the first time and instantly has an attraction even though he barely knows her, and that happened to me I guess.

I didn't really know her at all, even though we go to the same school because I went to a high school with over 2000 kids, but I was friends with several people that she was also friends with, so I asked one of them about her. This mutual friend thought that the girl would be interested in meeting me and thought that we would make a good fit. I found out more about her and found out that she was three years younger than I was, but had skipped a grade; so she was a sophomore and I was a senior. I realized that immediately this would make things very complicated, but I knew I'd regret it if I never gave myself the chance. So I took the risk and started talking to her one day and after a few days I asked her out on a date. She said yes and we had a great time, and the more time I spent with her, the more and more I liked her. We had been going on dates for about a two months or so, and I was really falling for her. She seemed to have it all, she was cute, smart, funny, outgoing, the whole deal. Everything seemed to fall into place, like I finally figured out what life was all about. I wanted to show her how I felt about her and confirm my feelings so I asked her to be my girlfriend to make our relationship official. She said yes and I was very happy.

It was perfect until a week later when I went over to her house to pick her up for an outdoor play we were going to see. We were just sitting in her house hanging out talking for a little bit before we were going to leave, when out of the blue she said she needed to "tell me something". I was very surprised and immediately my heart sank because that phrase never turns out well. She was visibly upset and tearing up and said that she really liked me, but she wasn't ready for a relationship, not that she didn't want me, but she wasn't ready for a romantic relationship with anyone. Over the next few days I tried to grapple with what possibly could have happened.

I couldn't find anything that had happened that would cause her to switch so suddenly. We were basically already in a relationship, just without the formal tittle of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend," we would do things about every week and talk almost every day. So I couldn't understand how the title would make things so different, it wasn't as if anything would suddenly change because of a title. It felt so unfair. When I was dating her, I purposely took things extra slow. Since she was younger than me, I made sure to be extra careful and respectful. I wasn't forward at all during the whole time in regards to the physical side, and I never gave off signs that I was expecting anything of the sort. For me, I cared more for just spending with her and getting to know her than doing anything more physical. I guess I follow the "nice guy" mentality.

She said that she really liked me and hanging out with me and all that and that she really wanted to stay friends. I was pretty devastated and didn't know what to do. I talked to her to try to understand exactly what was upsetting her or overwhelming her to make her decide that, but I never really got a good answer. I explained exactly how I felt about her and how much she meant to me, but it didn't seem to sway her mind. I was pretty depressed and gloomy for a good while. Probably mostly because it was my first experience with a relationship, and I was so close. It was like I realized there was a big hole in my life, and I found the perfect person to be with, and then it slips right through your fingers and there's nothing you can do about it.

I wanted to take her in my arms and wash away the fear and sadness. There's that old saying, "it's better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all," but I didn't really believe it before. How could this pain be better than how I felt a few months ago before I even met you? But as I was lying in my bed one night, I realized something. That brief period of joy I had with her, even if it was only a couple of months, was worth it. When I was with her, I felt as happy as I've ever been. Just being able to spend time with her, and look into her eyes, I wouldn't trade that for anything. For that short time, everything felt right. I felt like I had finally understood what I had been missing.

When she told me, it was the beginning of June, and over the next few months I seemed to be gradually getting better and working through it. I did talk to her a few times via IM, because I didn't want to be a jerk and never talk to her again, seeing as she said that she really wanted to stay friends and talk to me still. It was hard though, because it wasn't like we hated each other or fought or anything.

Then August rolled around and all the chaos that comes with moving into college began. Moving in and meeting new people and everything else that comes with starting out college really helped to take my mind of of it. She'd cross my mind sometimes, but I'd move on to something else. But then after about a month or so, I started settling in and everything calmed down. And then she started coming back into my mind more and more. It’s the same cycle, over and over again: pain, regret, optimism, and nostalgia. Some days I’ll feel as carefree as I did before I even met her, confident and excited about what's to come, but then that sinking feeling of reality sets in again. I now realize that the age difference was probably the main factor in what caused her to second guess herself. She is a junior in high school, and I'm starting college, so I can understand that she was probably overwhelmed about having to deal with it all, and trying to have a relationship with someone who's in college. I'm going to a school in the same city as we live, but still it 'd be complicated. I can understand where she is coming from if I was in her situation, but I wouldn't have lead someone on like she did and then give up like that. I guess it comes down to her not feeling quite the same way about me as I do for her.

So here I am now, a few months into college, and she still is in my mind daily. I've been doing better somewhat, but it's still hard, because I really would like that connection. Being able to talk to someone when you need someone there who can help when you don't feel like talking to just a friend, the companionship, and everything else. I really liked her, and even though I've been trying to keep my eyes open here at my college, I haven't found anyone quite like her.

People say that "everything happens for a reason" meaning that it fell apart because someone better is waiting just around the corner or something of the sort. I wish I could believe that. I wish it were that simple; to always have that effortless optimism pushing you on, but it’s not true. I personally do not believe in some divine plan or fate that is guiding our lives. And I guess that’s what makes it so hard, to know just how close I was, and that I failed. “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” people will say. Maybe that’s true, but that doesn’t mean that any will be the one I’m looking for. When you’ve found someone who makes it work, who fits perfectly, and then they’re gone, it’s hard to just move on and start over. I know this may sound petty compared to people who have been married or longer relationships, but I've never been through this before, so it's still the toughest thing I've dealt with.

I still like her and wish something could somehow work out, but I realize that's just a dream and doesn't seem very possible anymore. I'm still friends with her and maintain a connection because obviously I still care for her, and I guess there's always the the chance that somewhere down the road in a few years if we both are at points in our lives where we aren't tied down, then there is at least the possibility that something could happen.

I'm not really sure exactly what I'm even asking, but I guess any advice or help you can offer would be appreciated in what I could do, or how to handle any interaction with her in the future. Thank you very much.

-Jeff

[Lethargic]

Jeff, first let me be the first to say (in a very heterosexual manner) you seem like a very thoughtful and genuine person. You have to understand you are going through the stages of grief. It’s a roller coaster of ups and downs for a variable amount of time. Time is the only thing that can make it fade. You seem to be pretty mature for your age; that being said, chances are that she isn’t. Maturity is not only based on how you think and how you prioritize, it also has much to do with experience. She probably got a little spooked in the “Official” going out situation. Please understand that you cannot be the answer to her problem, she needs to discover the solution on her own, or perhaps with some neutral guidance. (not guidance from you )

Here it is: you are both at VERY different stages of your lives. The best thing for you to do (in my opinion) is to go out and meet other people, friends, girls, etc., BUT do not neglect to speak to your Ex from high school. It is important that you still embrace her as a friend. I also wouldn’t question her on the “why”. If you feel that you haven’t said everything you need to say to her, make a date, and tell her in person that you need to get things off your chest so you can seek closure. This is not a solution; it is a step in the “healthy” direction so you don’t question what if I did this, what if I said that. After that I would not bring it up again, and just be there for her as a friend. I promise you college brings all kinds of new exciting experiences. Chances are you will never find someone “quite like her”, but who’s to say that is a problem? Keep your eyes open, your head up, and focus on what’s important.

Who knows, maybe in time she will come around and realize the reasons she didn’t want to be with you were petty. Maybe you will find someone who makes you feel the way she did, and even more! Both of these situations have an equal chance of happening. Don’t sell yourself short. Keep looking forward! Hope this helps…

[jeffbillups]

Hey thanks for replying. Sorry I've been busy lately and hadn't checked it. I've been doing somewhat better lately. I guess I've just been able to think more clearly about it and figure it out more in my mind, and I've been trying to embrace and appreciate more of what's going on around me and what's happening in the present. What you said makes a lot of sense. And I definitely will try to be friends with her still. I've talked to her a couple times recently and she seemed pretty receptive and friendly, so that's good. Before I had initiated the conversations, but I decided to give it some time and let her start them instead. It seemed to work out well because she started talking to me a couple days ago, so it seems like she still wants to be friends as well. And yeah, maybe somewhere down the road something will happen, but probably not, and that's fine. Thanks for the advice, I really do appreciate it a lot.

-Jeff

[Cbrider]

Jeff, you didn't do anything wrong, you're an outstanding guy the way you handled it to be honest. The first is the worst and hurts the most, its just how it is. Take comfort in the fact it had nothing to do with you or how you acted. She is still extremely young, hormones and general lack of maturity make things like this happen all the time. People fear commitment, its just part of our nature in a lot of ways. That fear fades as you get older, you start to slow down and not ride the tide of lust so much.

I've been in your shoes in an almost identical situation.....freshman year of college. It feels like the end of the world, you think about it a lot and it never really fades. With time it DOES fade, it just takes....well.....time. A two or three year age gap is NOTHING in the end, you might as well have been born on the same day. It only seems like an issue at that age because maturity levels vary drastically from one year to the next until you hit your mid twenties. You're also branded as a Freshman, Sophomore, Junior or Senior which further amplifies the age gap.

Please don't make the mistake I did in college early on and focus on one girl in a sea of thousands. I can't force you to go meet people, but I can promise you that if you don't get out and make the most of your college time you WILL regret it, mark my words. I am 22 and playing catch up on the social side of college. Its a ton of fun and I don't worry about my past, but its just time I could have had more fun in along with the present.

There are soooooooo many gorgeous girls in college, its almost pointless to have a girlfriend for anything other than knowing someone cares about you that much. The possibilities are endless and the vast amount of different personalities and values are an awesome way to gauge what you will ultimately be attracted to in a spouse.

Fire away any questions you have, I have been down your road and will tell you anything I know. College is about having a good time, I wish I would have started sooner.

-Eric

P.S. What college are you going to?