Best way to get back in touch?

[Siren]

Hi there, and thanks for reading this! I'm new to this forum and have a question for you guys and I'd really appreciate it if you had some advice for me. My situation is the following:

About 2 1/2 years ago, I left my university and moved somewhere else. At my university, there was this one professor that I also worked for as a research assistant. I didn't really have a huge crush on him, but besides valuing him because of his mind, intellect and ambition for his field of research, I also thought he was very attractive, funny and nice and I liked him very much. But I never flirted with him, and neither did he with me as he was married, and still is as I suppose.

One day something really stupid happened, and it was my fault. I had taken some erotic pictures for my then boyfriend, and by accident my professor saw them too, at least this is what I suspected after quite a while when I realized I had made them accessible to him by mistake (and absolutely unintentional - it was through a private picture host and I had accidentally emailed the password to my prof instead of my boyfriend - and now don't tell me how stupid I was to upload these pictures anywhere in the first place because I really know that myself by now and could slap myself for doing it, really ). He had not really change his behavior after that, but when I realized what I had done (a few weeks later), I of course deleted all the pictures. From that time on my prof's behavior changed towards me. He got snappy and blamed me for things that went wrong in the department even if they weren't my fault, and as this conicided with me deleting the pictures, I thought this was the reason or at least somehow related to it but of course neither of us mentioned anything about this. It got to a point that on my last day at the department, we even sort of shouted at each other and he slammed the door behind him without saying goodbye or anything at all. That really disappointed me.

About six months later, when I had already moved away, I emailed him for his birthday and we sort of got back to good terms with each other and he even apologized for his behavior and said it was only because he was so stressed with work at this time. Everything seemed to be good again until I made a really stupid mistake. Yes, another really stupid mistake. I don't know what I thought or what kind of evil spirit possessed me to write to him something like that there was something else I would have liked to talk to him about and that he probably knew what it is, and that he could have told me what he wanted because I wouldn't have said no. Yes, this is how stupid I was. Something in my mind, based on assuptions and a feeling of being flattered that he supposedly liked my photos, made me think that ... well I don't think I was thinking. I was only being dumb and stupid. He wrote back that he didn't know what I was talking about and that he didn't want to know what I was talking about, and that was the last thing I had heard of him after I wrote something like "ok, then I won't mention it again". This one email that I wrote in a state of mind that was far beyond anything you could call sane, destroyed my whole professional relationship with this guy, and I really regret being so stupid. I mean, normally I would never go after a married guy, so I really don't know what was wrong with me there.

Well, now, after more than two years, I thought I should give it a try to email him again and try to get back to the status we had before all this mess with the photos had happened. But I don't know how because I feel so stupid and I'm also scared of his reaction if he hears from me again and that he might think again that I was after him. So this is something I would have to make clear right away, but in a way that isn't like "hey you know, I'm not after you", but in a more subtle yet clear way. I hope you know what I mean and that you might have some advice for me on how to approach this. Thanks so much, also for reading through this!

[Primo]

Wow, I don't mean to sound harsh or condescending, but what you just described is really pathetic and desperate.

[Gigabitch]

I don't think getting back in touch is a great idea.

[Siren]

Well, that's your opinion so you can say that of course. But I think you got me wrong, I'm not interested in him in a romantic or sexual way, I just want to get the professional relationship back on track and don't have a clue how. This forum might not be the best place as I'm not in love with him or want him or the like, but I couldn't think of a better place to post it. This professional relationship might be very important for my academic future, so of course I want to try to mend it.

[MVPlaya]

About six months later, when I had already moved away, I emailed him for his birthday and we sort of got back to good terms with each other and he even apologized for his behavior and said it was only because he was so stressed with work at this time. Everything seemed to be good again until I made a really stupid mistake. Yes, another really stupid mistake. I don't know what I thought or what kind of evil spirit possessed me to write to him something like that there was something else I would have liked to talk to him about and that he probably knew what it is, and that he could have told me what he wanted because I wouldn't have said no. Yes, this is how stupid I was. Something in my mind, based on assuptions and a feeling of being flattered that he supposedly liked my photos, made me think that ... well I don't think I was thinking. I was only being dumb and stupid. He wrote back that he didn't know what I was talking about and that he didn't want to know what I was talking about, and that was the last thing I had heard of him after I wrote something like "ok, then I won't mention it again". This one email that I wrote in a state of mind that was far beyond anything you could call sane, destroyed my whole professional relationship with this guy, and I really regret being so stupid. I mean, normally I would never go after a married guy, so I really don't know what was wrong with me there.

Well, if the previous stupid missteps were things you were comfortable writing about and this last one isn't, then it must have been pretty epic.

Well, now, after more than two years, I thought I should give it a try to email him again and try to get back to the status we had before all this mess with the photos had happened. But I don't know how because I feel so stupid and I'm also scared of his reaction if he hears from me again and that he might think again that I was after him. So this is something I would have to make clear right away, but in a way that isn't like "hey you know, I'm not after you", but in a more subtle yet clear way. I hope you know what I mean and that you might have some advice for me on how to approach this. Thanks so much, also for reading through this!

Based on your last interaction with him ("I mean, normally I would never go after a married guy, so I really don't know what was wrong with me there") it seems that you've already come on to him several times, and in a really stupid way.

Why are you even trying to get back in touch with this guy, it only makes things seem worse. You could send him an apology and not contact him again, even that would be awkward, but it might give you the 'closure' you need. Either way, you need to learn: 1) self-control, and 2) thinking before you say something. It will help you avoid these situations in the future.

If I were this guy, I wouldn't meet up with you under any circumstances.

Move on.

[MVPlaya]

Well, that's your opinion so you can say that of course. But I think you got me wrong, I'm not interested in him in a romantic or sexual way, I just want to get the professional relationship back on track and don't have a clue how. This forum might not be the best place as I'm not in love with him or want him or the like, but I couldn't think of a better place to post it. This professional relationship might be very important for my academic future, so of course I want to try to mend it.

Apologize for miscommunicating, tell him you'll be at xyz academic conference and if he's there, whether you could catch up and go over xyz.

[Gigabitch]

But I think you got me wrong, I'm not interested in him in a romantic or sexual way, I just want to get the professional relationship back on track and don't have a clue how.

No, I think you got me wrong. I wasn't implying that there was anything unprofessional going on. I just said it wasn't a good idea, which it isn't. You have gone WAY over the line with this guy more than once and I feel that continued contact will only lead to more trouble. He's already got his mind made up about you.

If you're worried about your professional career, work on trying to make sure that kind of shit never happens again with anyone else.

[Primo]

No, I think you got me wrong.

I think she was probably responding to my harsh reply GB.

Siren, GB is right, even if you are looking for a boost professionaly at this point, it's probably a given that this guy has washed his hands of you and it's better for you to move on in your career on your own merit. There's other academics or professionals to meet and befriend that can be reference for you.

I think it's time to let this go and to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if you aren't still thinking of a possible romantic angle anyway. All the way around this looks bad.

[Siren]

Hmm ok, seems you all have the same opinion on this, then maybe there might be some truth about it. The thing is, that I feel really sorry (and pretty stupid) for what I did, and I really would like to apologize to him for that. I can't blame him for getting a wrong impression of me and if he doesn't want to have any carreer related contact with me at all, I would of course accept it (what else could I do?), but I just don't want to leave the impression that I was some slut or something because this is not what I am. So what do you think if I sent him an apology? And really, I'm not after him in a romantic way. I'm just out of a desasterous relationship and am more than fed up with romance and guys and all the emotional shit (sorry) attached to it, and married guys are a no-go for me anyways, even if they left their wife for me (if they do it once, they'd also do it twice, right?).

[MVPlaya]

Hmm ok, seems you all have the same opinion on this, then maybe there might be some truth about it. The thing is, that I feel really sorry (and pretty stupid) for what I did, and I really would like to apologize to him for that. I can't blame him for getting a wrong impression of me and if he doesn't want to have any carreer related contact with me at all, I would of course accept it (what else could I do?), but I just don't want to leave the impression that I was some slut or something because this is not what I am. So what do you think if I sent him an apology? And really, I'm not after him in a romantic way. I'm just out of a desasterous relationship and am more than fed up with romance and guys and all the emotional shit (sorry) attached to it, and married guys are a no-go for me anyways, even if they left their wife for me (if they do it once, they'd also do it twice, right?).

See even in this post it still sounds like you are considering going out with him, but rationalizing to yourself that you don't want it.

It could just be the way I'm reading it, but I hope you really double-check the apology e-mail you send to him because if I get that impression, he might also.

[jackyd232]

Stop being stupid. You didn't accidentally send him the password to your pictures. You didn't accidentally think he might be interested when you sent him a birthday email. And you sure as hell aren't accidentally going to contact him now just for a friendship. You obviously have some obsession for this guy.

Didn't you say he was married? How about you respect that and forget about it. I respect him for not advancing and respecting his marriage.

I know I probably sound like an asshole, but quit kidding yourself.

[Siren]

MVPlaya, believe me, I'm not interested in him in any romantic way at all and even if he begged me to go out with him I would turn the offer down. At the point of time when I sent him this email which sort of said you could have me if you want me, I was having a lot of trouble with my then boyfriend and the relationship was very unhappy. I think the only reason why I did such a stupid thing as to write this email to my prof was because I was subconsciously looking for an easy way out of my relationship and thought it might be him. That's just how I analyze it myself now looking back at it. I've always liked him as a person, sure, and I won't deny that he's attractive, but I know a ton of guys that I like and that I think are attractive and still I don't want to go out with them - and it's the same thing with him. But he probably won't believe me either, so I'll definitely keep your advice with double-checking my email in mind.

[Siren]

Stop being stupid. You didn't accidentally send him the password to your pictures. You didn't accidentally think he might be interested when you sent him a birthday email. And you sure as hell aren't accidentally going to contact him now just for a friendship. You obviously have some obsession for this guy.

Didn't you say he was married? How about you respect that and forget about it. I respect him for not advancing and respecting his marriage.

I know I probably sound like an asshole, but quit kidding yourself.

You don't sound like an asshole, you're simply stating your opinion, and that's just fine with me. Yet I got to tell you: nope, I'm not obsessed with him and it WAS an accident when I sent him the password. His and my ex-bf's email addresses were right next to each other in my contact list because their names start with the same letter, and I accidentally clicked the wrong one without noticing or double-checking. And actually no, the birthday email I had sent him was very harmless, and so were all the follow-ups in our correspondence. Just that last one... well. As I said before, I can't tell you what had gone wrong in my head at that point to write something like that to him. Honestly. And I wish I had never done it. Of course I respect that he's married, and as I said before, I'm not after him at all, but I have a very high opinon of him, both as a person and a scientist, and I really don't want him to keep thinking of me as a slut or something. We'd had a good academic relationship for about two years before that, and is it so hard to understand that I sort of want that back, without any dirty thoughts to it?

[kai]

Please don't bother that man. He sounds like a good person. Let him live his marriage life happily without any trouble. Stop thinking about yourself. You messed it up. Accept it. Move on.

[SS Gal]

I would leave with what little self respect you still have from this whole fiasco and write it off as two of the stupidest things you've ever done and work to make sure you never do anything so immature and stupid again. He is 100% a professional and you obviously are not. Keep it all in the past and move on. He does NOT want to hear from you.