Are we too different?

**skittles** · 16-10-09, 03:50 PM

he is asian and quiet. i am american and was raised in a single parent american household with a twist. My mother has been deaf my whole life and my father died before I turned two so i was raised in a life of solitude and have a strong need to communicate.

it is very obvious that we give and receive love and affection in different ways. We have been dating for six years now but for the last three years we have been maintaining a long distance relationship. He moved an hour south and i see him on weekends but sometimes we go two to three weeks without seeing each other. When I don't see him for a while I want to hug him and show him how much i have missed him. He told me that he doesn't like to hug and kiss so that ruined it for me. i no longer greet him with a smile, hug and kiss knowing that it does nothing for him. he will go days without talking to me and when he does call it is just to ask if i am okay and the calls almost never last more than a minute or two. he never calls to talk to me and when we are together on weekends it is usually only for one night and we are so rushed that there is no communication going on. recently i told him that i felt very lonely and i needed him to invest more in me and communication was missing.

he told me that i should try to engage him more.

I don't understand how his lack of affection and communication is now my fault when he was like that long before i came along. i already feel like i carry the conversations and i am the only one who shows affection outside of the bedroom.

am i kidding myself thinking that he is going to put in the effort to change when he doesn't think there is anything wrong? because he is so stingy with his affection and the only time i see it is when we are having sex, i feel like that is all we have and i want more.

**girl68** · 17-10-09, 12:12 AM

I was you 3 years ago (minue LDR) he was asian, he was quite, wasn't into affection blah blah blah. And I was with him for 5 years.

He won't change. If it ain't broken why fix it?! That's what he thinks. It's all part of his personality. He's simply not as needy as you. And neither of you are wrong. You just are too different. Exactly as you guessed. I finally left after 5 years and am sooooo much happier in my now near marriage relationship.

**skittles** · 17-10-09, 03:16 AM

he is not the type of person who wll overlook his faults. in fact i see him as the type of person who strives to improve all aspects of his life.

example: a couple of years ago i pointed out that it hurt me that after i didnt see him for a week or two he wouldnt even say "hi, how was your day, what's new, i missed you." he pulled his black book out of his pocket and wrote "make effort to greet Cristina" and from that day forward he now greets me.

Another Example: one time when we were living together i pointed out that he was having a relationship with his computer because he spent more time with it than he did with me. he bagan researching why he spends so much time on the computer and realized that he was missing out on life. less than one week after puting it in his black book he packed his computer up and began spending more time with and without me outside of the house. he also joined a social networking group to build his communication skills.

i think if he knew his lack of communication and affection could cost us our relationship maybe he would make an effort. i first must get him to see that i feel love starved and i need more.

**girl68** · 17-10-09, 03:22 AM

So then why after these 2 wonderful examples are you still having a problem?!

**skittles** · 17-10-09, 03:39 AM

this one is a little more difficult because he is not in the worng, so it's not something so easily pointed out and fixed.

he's not a cold hearted person but i just can't help how i feel. sometimes i think i should love him a little less and it wouldn't hurt so much when he ignores me. I think i may mirror his actions and by showing him the same level of communication and affection he gives me.

If i am not the one doing all the talking then i guess we sit in silence for a while until he realizes himself that something may seriously be wrong. For some reason i don't think it will affect him like it does me.

**girl68** · 17-10-09, 03:53 AM

Originally Posted by skittles

this one is a little more difficult because he is not in the worng, so it's not something so easily pointed out and fixed.

I think i may mirror his actions and by showing him the same level of communication and affection he gives me.

If i am not the one doing all the talking then i guess we sit in silence for a while until he realizes himself that something may seriously be wrong. For some reason i don't think it will affect him like it does me.

As you did the last time: "baby, it's really starting to affect how I feel about this relationship when you don't talk to me. 2 mintue conversations don't cut it". or "It really takes a toll on my confidence when you never touch, hug or kiss me."

And if your mirror his reactions I can gaurentee he won't figure it out.

And you're right about one thing: if he's not a talker MAKING him talk isn't going to do either of you any good. Same deal with affection. It's a personality thing. I learnt this the same way you are learning this.

**AdminOnline** · 17-10-09, 10:10 AM

Thread moved to more appropriate forum.

**doppelgaenger** · 17-10-09, 10:24 AM

Originally Posted by girl68

I was you 3 years ago (minue LDR) he was asian, he was quite, wasn't into affection blah blah blah. And I was with him for 5 years.

He won't change. If it ain't broken why fix it?! That's what he thinks. It's all part of his personality. He's simply not as needy as you. And neither of you are wrong. You just are too different. Exactly as you guessed. I finally left after 5 years and am sooooo much happier in my now near marriage relationship.

And those after-work dates, eh?

**girl68** · 18-10-09, 02:48 AM

Wow dopp, you're so cleaver!

**SammyLC** · 26-10-09, 06:34 PM

Hi Skittles

It's apparent that he can't give you want you want and the relationship is based on his own terms. He sees you when he wants and has sex - emotion and love are not demonstrated or reciprocated. This in unwholly unfair to you therefore you need to seek someone who is ready for a committed relationship and is ready to give 100% to it. You appear to both want different things from the relationship and it clearly is not right for you hence the angst and frustration I sense. Why put up with shoddy treatment when you deserve so much better? SammyLC

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