GF broke up with me, how to pick up the pieces?

[lifesabitch]

My gf of 3 years broke up with me yesterday over a lie I told her 3 years ago. Basically the week before we first got together, I was sort of seeing someone. Not so much that I was seeing her but she was pretty much a **** buddy. So, my now ex gf asked me about her at the time and I said that it was just a girl who liked me.. Eventually I told her it was someone I had gone on a date with but didn't feel anything for (which was kind of true, but I excluded the part about us having sex a couple of times).. I mean I did feel guilty about it, but my ex and I weren't even dating at that time so I didn't think it was that important. So, that bitter girl, now deciding to **** up my life told my gf everything about what happened 3+ years ago. She saved some e-mails we exchanged and repeated some things I told her... So my gf last night confronted me last night without telling me that she knew already. She was like, did you and that girl do anything? I denied that I had sex with her... Then she showed the proof, and eventually I shamefully admitted it. And she told me she can't believe I lied to her, that she's never been so hurt, and that she doesn't want anything to do with me...

I mean I understand her being upset, totally, I made a mistake.. BUT I never cheated on her, I didn't mistreat her during our relationship, and things were going wonderfully up until yesterday. How am I supposed to move on from this girl who I loved dearly for the past 3 years?

[Heratriumphant]

Give her a week or so to calm down and then try to talk to her about it.

Some people really just can't stand liars. She may be wondering what else you haven't told her about.

Why did you lie in the first place? If this happened before you were dating why didn't you just tell the truth?

If you were lieing so GF wouldn't know you were the type of guy that had f*** buddies (which would be my guess) then GF may well be feeling like she was tricked in a relationship on that falsehood.

Figure out what your motive was, try to put yourself in GF shoes and give it a week or so.

[Gigabitch]

Newsflash: many people find lying to be every bit as much a betrayal as cheating.

[lifesabitch]

Ok well here's the thing. We were friends for maybe 6 months before we started dating, and at the time we started dating it was a total surprise. She shocked me by telling me she had feelings for me, I had always had feelings for her but never thought anything would come of it. So at the time when we had this conversation, the other girl (who i'll call Ashley), was still in the picture. So, I was scared to reveal what was going on between me and Ashley for fear it would ruin my chances of getting with *Jessica.* Immediately after that conversation I had with Jessica in which we revealed our feelings to one another I called up Ashley and told her that any further contact between us is not happening and that we can't see or talk to each other anymore. So... fast forward to yesterday, yeah she was shocked that I had a **** buddy and she then accused me of lying to her about a whole bunch of other stuff that I was truthful about. Any word that came out of my mouth she wasn't hearing it, and she told me to just leave her alone and never talk to her again. So i'm in limbo, I have no idea what to do. This is a girl I was planning to spend the rest of my life with.

[Moe]

Newsflash: many people find lying to be every bit as much a betrayal as cheating.

Boy I agree. I don't get mad, don't get upset, but lie to me and see what happens. I can go kind of nuts.

[Bumble_bee]

you still dnt get it, she may not have had a problem that you slept with the girl, she has a problem that you lied to her face..

you lied...more than once dammit!

[lifesabitch]

Ok, but my question is.. what can I do next? She doesn't even want to hear my voice no matter how much I apologize for it and tell her how wrong it was.

edit: as an update, she sent me a text message a few hours ago that said (the main part). "It's ok, I forgive you, but leave me alone i'm too hurt. I trusted you with all my heart and you lied to me all this time. Stay away from me. Don't call, don't visit, don't text, I won't respond. Goodbye."

[Carmen]

Give her a little time and then explain to her that you did it because you were afraid of ruining your chances with her...

[IndiReloaded]

Newsflash: many people find lying to be every bit as much a betrayal as cheating.

Make sure you explain clearly your new-found understanding of this concept^.

Give her a little time and then explain to her that you did it because you were afraid of ruining your chances with her...

Then, give it some time. A la this^.

If you're lucky and she's reasonable, you'll get another shot. You are right, you didn't cheat on her. But pull that argument as defense when what she's really upset about is the lying, and you'll be in the doghouse permanently.

Good luck.

[lifesabitch]

I just want to know what's an appropriate amount of time before I should contact her... Because it seemed (at least right then) that the more I talked the less she wanted to hear me. So I made an effort all day today not to call, text, or show up and meet her like usual.. Boy did I ever want to, every second of the day, but I resisted. And I dont want to push her away and further than she is already. So when should I contact her, and if so by what means and what should I say to her?

[lifesabitch]

So, I called her today, and she picked up surprisingly, first call. She was completely silent for the first 5 minutes while I talked. I told her that there is no excuse for the lie that I told and that I lied because I was scared to lose her. I told her how much she's meant to me and means to me, and that i'm willing to do anything to have her back in my life.

Then she finally spoke and said that I should know her well enough to know that if I had told her the truth when she asked me 2 nights ago, she would've been mad but she would've forgiven me and we could've moved past it. But she said that now it's too late and she can never trust me again and therefore we can't be together anymore. I told her that I understand how she feels and that i'm not expecting to gain back her trust overnight but that i'm willing to work on it daily and prove to her that i'm not that guy. She said, no, it's over and I hate you, stay out of my life, I never wanna see you again, and hung up.

[Gigabitch]

Make sure you explain clearly your new-found understanding of this concept^.

Well, as far as I know I've never been cheated on, but being lied to was pretty horrible.

[IndiReloaded]

Oh. Sorry Giga, that was for the OP. I know you know why lying is damaging to a relationship.

Or.... prod to the OP. Ya. Duh.

[Primo]

You laid your feelings out, she spoke to you from the heart. You're going to have to give her some time and space to figure out what she wants to do. I don't think anyone on this board is going to end a good relationship because their s/o banged somebody 3 years ago when we were or were not officially dating.

You lied straight to her face, when deep down you probably knew she knew. She gave you the chance to be an honest man, to make it right with her. It takes balls to stick to your guns lying like that, not the good kind either. If you're lucky she'll take you back one day, if not you'll have learned a very valuable lesson and will never repeat that mistake.

[lifesabitch]

Update: She called me up today and asked me to come over for a heart to heart. So I came over and she got everything off her mind.
Summary: She wasn't hurt by the fact that I had sex with that girl, she was hurt by the fact that even when asked straight up, I chose to lie to her repeatedly. I looked her in the eyes and told her i'm sorry, i'm ashamed and upset with myself for doing so and that it won't happen again. And I really am, it sucks that I may have ruined things just for that. For the first time, I could really see the pain that lying to her had caused. So, I told her that i'm not going to force anything and I know it would take time but that would she ever give me a second chance. Her response was that she didn't mean all that stuff she told me when she was pissed. However, she wants to work on our friendship before she would even consider me as a bf again. And she said, it's gonna take her a long time to trust me again... So, as much as it sucks I may have to accept her as just a friend and be happy she's offering even that much and hope that someday in the future she will give me a 2nd chance.