Love over mind... Please help me see clear !

[LionMicha]

Here is my heart-hurting situation.

I have been with the mother of my son for almost 15 years. We met when we were in our late teens. About two years ago, we began something that has made me realize I wasn't really in love with my fiancee but more in friendship relation. Our sex life was very boring and we didn't make love. We rather fullfilled physical needs. So in order to give a little spice in this area we (actually it was more me than her) decided to arrange a wife-swapping experience with two close friends that were also together since they were teens (15 years old, now in 30s). The first time I slept with my friend's fiancee and he slept with mine, it has not been a really fun situation. But, for whatever reason, it rehappened a couple weeks later. It then began to be a routine. We met each and every friday night, had dinner all together and after dinner, one of the two "unofficial" couple went out for the night while the other "couple" stayed with the kids (mine and the two daughters of our friends). Saturday dinner was the "switch time". The couple that stayed with the kids were free to go out while the other "couple" stayed with the kids. Then, Sunday, at dinner, we were all together again and after dinner, each of the "official" couple went back in their respective homes with their kids. This lasted for almost a year. Weird as it sounds, neither of the "official couple" had sex together. We were exclusive to the other person who was not our fiancee. (Hope you still follow me in this pretty weird story).

As you can picture, it was not only a sex experience anymore but rather a living together and deep sharing experience. So, what has to happen, happened. My friend's fiancee and I fell deeply in love. We were not able to continue living apart for the week and only see each other in the weekends. What was to point to continue living with someone that you do not love anymore. And I am now sure that before all this began, I was not in love anymore with the mother of my son as well as my new love was not in love with the father of her daughters either. Both "official" couples had rough times in the years before. My new love left him three times in the last 6 years but came back only cause she was afraid of not being able to live by her own (financialy speaking). On my side, my ex and I were arguing a lot and splitting has been discussed many times before.

I know I have not done the things right. First of all, I kept saying to the mother of my son that I was still loving her but actually I didn't took any time to really evaluate my sayings. I always been the type of person that wanted everyone around me to be happy even though their happiness was maybe against my own happiness. So, I did not stand-up like I should have done and continue to say to her that I was still in love while it was not true. I know that I have hurted her deeply by not being a man but what is done is done and I cannot go back. I also know that we should (both couples) have addressed our relationship issues before doing that dirty wife-swapping thing. Also, at the beginning I did not know that I would fall in love as deep as I felt. If I have knowned that, you can be sure that I would not have done it. So please do not spit on me saying things like "you should have stayed away from your friend's fiancee" or "with friends like you, who needs enemies". I recall you that he was also living an alternate life with my fiancee and both of them were enjoying it big time.

You see, my new TRUE love and I decided that it was time for us to live our love to the fullest. We knew it was not a good thing for the kids to have parents separated but living what we were living at that time was not much better for them we guess. So she left the father of her daughters last April and 2 weeks later I left the mother of my son.

You see I thing that if my ex had fell in love with my now ex-friend, everything would have gone smooth. I know that he was in love with my ex (cause he told couple of people about it) but my ex was not in love with him (or maybe she does not know what love is). So now, we live our love to the fullest but exs (mostly my ex) have not accepted the situation and are REALLY angry and my ex even wish I die. You see, we (my new true love and I) think that they wanted to continue to have fun together without sacrifying their public images. I think each party in our situation has thinking that should be respected but I also know that in our situation either of the decision (staying with our respective fiancee and not seeing each other anymore or living our love to its fullest) had a drawback not really happy. It is pretty hard for us to live our love while knowing that everyone is against us mainly because we destroyed two families. But my new true love told her ex while she was still with him that she was falling deeply in love and maybe they should stop seeing us (my ex and I). But to this he responded NO. I need to see her again and we have to continue this.

All of this, having my ex basically in depression, knowing that someone who has been close friend is now wishing me bad things is pretty hard to live. But I love her so much and she loves me back so much that I just can't put an end to our relation. I have think about it but I just can't. All of our old friends when we were in couple with our exs are not talking to us anymore. We do our best when the kids are with us to give them a great life but when they are with our respective exs, they hear all kind of bad things about both of us. We just hope that someday they will understand that with what we have done (wife-swapping for whole weekends) it was something that has a chance to happen.

Sorry for the length of my post but it is something so important in my life right now that I had no choice but to explain my situation the best I could (even if everything is not in this post, I guess I explained the most part the best I could). So here is my question : What would you have done in my situation ? Should I put a stop to the relationship with whom I believe to be the love of my life and hope to meet someone just like her in the future but without the past that we both share right now ?

HELP ME PLEASE ! I am so tired of always thinking about all this. I just one to love her every day and have our exs accept the situation at least for the sake of our children. Hope to hear from any of you soon.

[vashti]

Good lord, I hope all of you adults have enough sense to NOT tell your kids what you did. Why the hell would they EVER need to know about wife swapping?

[MVPlaya]

You lack some serious common sense, so I am going t say it anyway: you're an idiot for doing the wife swapping thing. How you could not see something so simple and basic in advance is beyond me. Your ignorance is not an excuse, only further proof of how out of touch you are with reality.

Do not, under any circumstances, tell your children about wifeswapping. Your bizarre weekly ritual is deeply linked to their social lives and emotional wellbeing, to explain that the visits and babysitting were a way to break up the family is beyond heartbreaking.

No wonder you all married so early, no common sense.

However, you two did not break up the families, the four of you did. You need to mend relations with your ex, or your son will be in the crossfire as a tool for you two to hurt eachother.

[Sanctuary]

What kind of bullshit is this? What the **** is y'all doin? I ain't ever experience something like this.

They will never be understanding and accepting and they probably don't wanna hear it either. There's no magical solution for this and you deserve what you're getting. Perhaps time will diffuse their anger.

But at the heart of every separation, the children are the ones who are gonna be affected and hurt the most. You should do your best to minimalize the effects of the breakup on the children. Your ex has a right to be mad, but she shouldn't play the children against you cuz it can affect them in a negative way. Maybe your ex can at least agree with you on this point. But if she's still seething mad she probably won't.

[Mish]

Our sex life was very boring and we didn't make love. We rather fullfilled physical needs. So in order to give a little spice in this area we (actually it was more me than her) decided to arrange a wife-swapping experience with two close friends

I also know that we should (both couples) have addressed our relationship issues before doing that dirty wife-swapping thing. Also, at the beginning I did not know that I would fall in love as deep as I felt. If I have knowned that, you can be sure that I would not have done it. So please do not spit on me saying things like "you should have stayed away from your friend's fiancee" or "with friends like you, who needs enemies". I recall you that he was also living an alternate life with my fiancee and both of them were enjoying it big time.


You see I thing that if my ex had fell in love with my now ex-friend, everything would have gone smooth. I know that he was in love with my ex (cause he told couple of people about it) but my ex was not in love with him (or maybe she does not know what love is).

The sequence of events above makes me think that you didn't pursue the wife swapping under a naive pretense at all. After reading this story I am more of the opinion that you pushed for the wife swapping because your sex life was getting boring and you were looking for a new replacement to your partner. Only you needed reassurances that once you leave you will have someone else to go to. So you built intimacy with this other woman until she was ready to be with you, switch over was now complete, you had a new partner and the old one was ready to be abandoned, all that had to happen now was for your partner to fall for the guy of your new woman and then "everything would have gone smoothly". That didn't happen because your partner clearly didn't want the same things as you.

What can be done now? I think that if you really wanted to make amends you would apologize to both women, the friend and your kids, and then leave both women so you can better concentrate on being a good father to your son.

[IndiReloaded]

You are all going to think all the freaky stuff happens in Canada.

Open relationships should never involve people you have an emotional connection to (e.g. family friends). I think that's Swinger Rule #1. What did you think would happen?

Sorry, not much help. Maybe you should consider moving away from each other & working on repairing your marriages. Its not like your kids can't sense a problem even if they don't know specifics.

[Bumble_bee]

she left her kids?

[LionMicha]

To Mishanya:

There was by NO mean any pre-organized plan in my head when we all started this real dirty mess !!!! I thought I was in love with my ex and felt pretty sure that nothing could ever develop with this other woman. Sex and fun only. But you see, we've all been so naive. Do you think it made me happy to have fallen in love and having her fall in love with me too? Do you think I wished to break my family and see my son only half the time (alternate week)? Do you think I am happy to have a close friend being so sad and mad at me? I will answer all those questions for you: NO I ain't !!! But you see, it made me realize that I was not in love with the mother of my son anymore so do you think I could have left the other woman and really work on my relationship with all my heart? Again the answer is no. I had miserable thinking. I thought about suicide but not for a very long period because I love my son so much !!! I know I deeply love this other woman and probably will for the rest of my life but it remains a real though situation and finally I do not think it was a good idea to write this post since nobody can really understand what I have to go through... sorry for bothering you with my messy life !