Still Depressed....possibly worse

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Note: I am not looking for professional help, just getting this off my chest.

So I'm so emotionally and physically drained from my job, and I actually feel trapped.

It's like once I don't kiss their ass and do everything they think I should do, I'm the wrong one.

I've been having suicidal thoughts lately. I know I'd never do that to my kids, but how often it's on my mind scares me.

But I don't want to tell that to my doctor. She might think about taking my kids away, which would definitely send me crazy. I'm just seriously tired all the time and no one takes me seriously.

I plan to go to my doctor tomorrow and see if she will let me go on bedrest from now, but I highly doubt it. I went to her in the past about vaginal bleeding when I stand too long and requested to get bedrest because my job is standing up for 8 hours and she told me that was not serious enough for bed rest. Wtf?! Do I have to be dying in order to get bed rest? My ****ing vagina was bleeding from stress on my body and that wasn't enough for them to let me rest my body while still having a job.

It's so ****ing ridiculous how my job operates(which I know is most likely every job). They don't give two shits about whether or not their employees are feeling well. I could be on my ****in deathbed and they will probably want me to wheel in on the bed and do their work. They seriously dont care.

I've reached the point where I can not work for 8 hours. I feel like passing out at the 4 hour mark, so imagine a full day. The stress is making me want to quit so badly but if I quit I will be so mad since I have a week and change left. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with their shit. I'm seriously confused about what I should do about this.

I think if I tell my doctor about my suicidal thoughts, I might lose my kids.

Should I tell her this? Any suggestions? What would you do if you were in my position? I am seriously going off the deep end at this point.

[Mish]

Sounds bad Nish. I hope things better.

Is there any way you can look for a better job?

[doppelgaenger]

I think what you're experiencing is pretty normal and rational under the circumstances. So I don't think your 'suicidal thoughts' are any of your doctor's business. You really shouldn't tell them, because yeah, there is a possibility where you could lose parenting rights.

Come on, you know your job is ridiculous. You need to find a new job that is more flexible, or you need to go unemployed for a while.

[CocoChanel]

You definitely need to be on bed rest. I would go above and beyond that doctor if they refuse to give you bed rest. Does your job have maternity leave options?

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

I didnt go to work today with the intentions of going in to my doctor. I called and they told me she's not even on island. Now I don't have a note to give them. I can't request bedrest from anyone but her. Now I'm basically being told that I must force myself to work from tomorrow til Tuesday before I can get a note. I am not physically able to do that right now. I already feel like shit laying here in bed right now.

I think all I can do is quit this job. I am so reluctant about it because the 20th is right there, but my body is not letting me stay. My body is working against me and it is driving me crazy.

[Primo]

Talk to someone Nisha, ok? A forum is a good place to rant, but you need a voice to connect with. There's quite a few services out there that are free and confidential.

To answer your question, if your Dr feels that you are a danger to yourself or others, yes you will be held for observation...if you have others at home someone will have to care for them or they will be put into care for the duration of your stay.

[Gribble]

I think you should mention it to your doctor. Believe it or not, telling a trained professional you've got suicidal thoughts doesn't mean he or she is going to have you seized and dragged to the funny farm. Lots of people have suicidal thoughts. It's the ones who keep the locked up out of fear who develop those thoughts into something further. If you lay it out there, openly discuss it, and make it very clear that you don't want to hurt yourself or your children, you just want help--your doctor is going to be there to provide that help. Maybe you need some medication. Maybe you just need to talk to someone openly and get those upsetting feelings off your chest.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

I'm not gonna kill myself, and I surely wouldn't tell my doctor that the thought is crossing my mind. I know I'm under a great deal of stress and that's how I think of running away from it all.

But I would never ever ever do that to my children. I would never want them to grow up without me in their lives. I just dont know how to handle the stress if a ****ed up job and my body working against me. I feel like if my body could talk it would tell me to wobble my ass back in bed and don't get out.

It works against me with alot of nosebleeds, constantly feeling to pass out, I am always hot and under a major sweat for no reason, I have ridiculous headaches, and the list goes on. All my job cares about is having coverage. I have two full 8 hour days coming up this weekend, plus on Sunday after my shift I have to come back for some meeting...then I have to work again on Monday in the morning.

I CAN'T DO IT!!!! I don't know wtffffffff to do! I feel so ****ed up and stuck.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

I think you should mention it to your doctor. Believe it or not, telling a trained professional you've got suicidal thoughts doesn't mean he or she is going to have you seized and dragged to the funny farm. Lots of people have suicidal thoughts. It's the ones who keep the locked up out of fear who develop those thoughts into something further. If you lay it out there, openly discuss it, and make it very clear that you don't want to hurt yourself or your children, you just want help--your doctor is going to be there to provide that help. Maybe you need some medication. Maybe you just need to talk to someone openly and get those upsetting feelings off your chest.

But isn't there a 50 percent chance she will think negatively?

With my daughter I was in the hospital and I told them I was seeing little white spots infront my eyes and she said I was hallucinating. It just made me feel like I was crazy.

[Primo]

Nisha, there's other things you can do to make a living. Don't let it take over your life if it's become that toxic. I know you have alot on your plate, but make a plan...and when you can make the positive change in your life, do it.

[Bumble_bee]

little white spots, have they checked you out for pre-eclampsia? Im so sorry you're feeling like this, have you told anyone about this....your doctor sound unsympathetic to the physical symtoms you are having so I understand your reluctance to see her about the suicidal thoughts...is there any way of changing your doc?

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Well I'm 8 months pregnant now so changing now may be too late to get to know a whole new doctor. I don't think she checked for pre-eclampsia. The white spots thing was with my first pregnancy.

I'm most likely going to end up quitting. I don't want to put the financial burden on my boyfriend, but I can't take anymore of this stress on my body. I feel so bad about it, and I think he's gonna say he understands but at the same time have something against me for leaving him with all the financial responsibilities. He would never tell me that it bothers him.

Another thing that has been bothering me is alot of people telling me how it starts out great and then the relationship starts to fade. That's the last thing I want. I don't want us to fade away and end up not being together. It has me so worried right now.