2 Months on... My Story and hoping to help others

[lhn]

You're completely right cmacattack1. Being by yourself definitely prepares you better for the next relationship. You learn so much about yourself and how to improve yourself. You end up realising that the next relationship you have will be much better because you simply wont take anything for granted and will try your upmost to not make the same mistakes again...

[lhn]

Hi everyone,

Just thought I would provide an update on my situation for my own benefit and so I can read it back in the darker moments.

Following my split, getting a part-time job has led to meeting a few new people and even though I hated it to start with, I'm glad I did it. I found one of my colleagues going through a terribly rough time with stuff in her family life so we have been each other's rocks. She's great and I truely appreciate what she's done for me.

As far as moving on is concerned... I'm not done yet. Unfortunately!
Working with my ex, in such a small office, has made things infinitely more difficult to deal with. Moving on is just not happening to the full extent I'd like but sometimes life deals u a crap hand. I'm dealing with it, somedays better than others.

I've been through the crying, then the confusion, then the horrendous loneliness. Then came the 'its all my fault' stage, swiftly followed by the 'its all her fault' stage. These then all dissolved into 'hating her makes this easier' and finally you arrive at 'I don't love her anymore'.

The weird thing is, I still wish we had stayed together. Even though I now have a huge list of 'why we wouldn't have worked in the longrun' scribbled down in a Jotter pad. It serves as a mental-strengthener for me.

So nowadays I still sit at my desk, with her opposite, and wonder how in the name of all thats holy we ended up in this situation.

The crappest thing is, I don't think I'll ever get an answer. Not one considered decent enough to warrant all the pain I've been through.

Love can really kick you between the legs but you know what... I'll do it all again for the good times.

[cmacattack1]

One thing I was curious about in your situation was during those last few months, something was happening. Was it you being too needy or her being too needy? I feel like it comes down to one of those things and it can make a world of difference. In my relationship, my girlfriend became too needy because she didn't have a good social outlet and I shut down on her instead of communicating what was going on with me. When she finally had that good social outlet in place (she was home when she was needy and went back to school and had all her friends back), she pretty much kicked me to the curb and had another guy lined up more or less. It doesn't mean we wouldn't get back together in the future, right now it's a zero chance though. And I think the same applies to you too, that who knows what the future holds? You can certainly try and get over somebody but it will only happen when your ready. And to me getting over somebody is the realization and acceptance that you can live your life and be happy without them in it. You can get over them but still care and have feelings for them.

And all the begging and stuff made things worse for you, I won't lie to you about that. It justifies their decision, like how could I be with this sniffling diaper full of emotions and baggage? I did and I kick myself for it because I really. It keeps the wound open makes the healing longer and gives the woman more time to find somebody else. It certainly hurts that you work with her also. Because everytime you see her you are reminded of everything you guys went through, and believe it or not it happens to her too. You kind of need that time apart without contact to let that anger and hurt feelings subside. And seeing each other every day, its hard to see the changes somebody goes through because they are so gradual.

I guess I'm not really making much of a point here, just kind of jumping around on my thoughts on this. It's a tough situation. I've only been a little under a month of not seeing my ex and a month of not talking to her and I guess I have that hope still alive with me so I see some hope with your situation too. One thing I noticed about what you said is that you might not ever know all the answers. If you already know you can live life and be happy without her and she's not angry or hurt about your relationship anymore, what's wrong with talking to her and getting those answers? If she doesn't care, she won't have any problem telling you the truth. And if she does, she'll either say so or lie to you and tell you otherwise, but she'll know she's lying and it will be on her mind. Either way I think that might be helpful for moving on. Just an idea.

[lhn]

Hey, thanks for the indepth reply.
Regarding the last couple of months... it was just that things went a bit stale. When u work with someone everyday, and go gym and spend the nights / weekends together, it can really mount up. Sex had become hugely infrequent as she was having issues with her contraceptive-implant and when you're in that situation you just don't realise whats happening. It ended up that we were both constantly falling into moods about one thing or another (bizarrely, not ever about each other). We didn't ever really argue.
I just didn't think it was so bad to breakup because of it... But then the dumpee never thinks it was lol.

Anyway... I'm trying my best at moving on and when I think back to how I used to be just after the breakup, man I've come a long way.

You have hit the nail on the head with the whole 'social outlet' thing too. I didn't have a social outlet except my housemate at the time, but he was lazy so we didn't ever go out. This merely added to us spending more time together and in turn, hurting our relationship.

Your middle paragraph is spot on too. No question.

Today was one of the first times since our split that we talked in a very civilised manner. just talked about non-important stuff etc. It felt strange after 3 months of horrible hurt. not sure if I liked it or not as there were a lot of mixed emotions flying around.

The point I was making with the 'no answers are forthcoming' thing is that they will never be. It's not she wont provide them, its that you look for an answer to help you that simply doesn't exist. Then, after time, you realise that you no longer need an answer to move forward and there isn't come special phrase or sentence to help u just move on. You need time, everyone does.
I never stop missing her, and probably wont until I have met someone else but you learn to put the thoughts to one side, so it doesn't dictate your life and your emotions to the extremes that you initially experience.

Very humbling experience.

[Samt2009]

I think, as has already been stated, these things take time to heal. The space sometimes helps a relationship as the time to re-evaluate were you went wrong is valuable. I certainly have found a short break helped us in our relationship. Hope things get better for you.

[Chazza2k]

Fantastic post lhn I thank you for all the time and effort because I can relate to so much of it. Me and the Ex-Gf split 5months ago when I found she was seeing someone else. We werent good before I must admit, I distanced myself from her and really pushed her away because of my own problems, thats something hard to get past in my own mind but I realised its too late to change it so any energy I waste on it is just waste. We exsist in overlapping friendship circles so we bump into each other from time to time. The problem with that is of course the way she now looks at me and talks. Its this coldness I dont think I was ever prepared for, the kind words and love have gone now met with this look of contempt almost?!

We of course agreed to be friends at a coffee meeting months after the arguing, ridicule and eventual begging by me stopped but we really are anything but. She doesn't answer any text I send now but thats probably because I hugged her in front of all the friends at the last party, (6weeks ago) I don't know what I was thinking? I didnt talk to her all night then made one pathetic attempt to grovel for a hug, she obliged but I think out of pitty more than anything else. The dangers of too much tequlia and Exs! Did I really think after nearly 5 months she fall into my arms and tell me she missed me? Yep! It felt really good for all of 5seconds, really good but I so wish now i never did it. It was just a reminder of what I don't have.

Being in the friends circle though you here about everything that goes on, I think her and the new guy have split up once already there back together now though. I was down a mates house who I met through her and we became great friends, I only known the guy 6months and its like we known each other for years (the only good thing to have come from this I guess)and the Ex and her son pop in (hes 6) and the first thing her son does is run over to me and gives me a big hug. She pretended not to notice but everyone else did, mixed emotions for me, I hugged him back hes 6 its not his fault he dont understand, but I could see she hated every second of it.

I have fallen into a strange trap since socialising with her, I keep writing out apologies for all I got wrong really punishing myself by them for everything I ever did. But I dont send them I just ponder over them? Theres a voice that tells me she really could care less about anything you say or do anymore. I guess thats my guilt, hopefully I can get beyond that soon.

I'd say im in the "its all my fault" stage now after going through the "its all her fault" stage already moving towards the hating her makes it easier stage. I'm not at the I dont love you stage yet sadly.

Becareful with, I have to have answers to these questions, I did that pushed and pushed and the response I got was "I never loved you from the start" I'm not sure I believed that now but at the time, that was crushing.

Its the silly season soon so probably partys and socialising it will be impossible probably not to run into her along the way but I'll be nice, distant and say the least I can to her! Probably the best strategy!

[ricerocket1]

im glad everything is going good in your breakup...i know that's an oxymoron sentence but im doing great with mine...im not going to lie i do miss her but its less and less everyday...sometimes i wonder what we had was real? everyone is telling me that i should try with her again but im in a point right now that im tired of chasing her...if she really wants me back she knows what she suppose to do...i always say to myself that if today is better than yesterday then im doing the right thing...my boss asked me just to make sure you don't look back on this and regret it but right now i know im not regretting about anything...my boss also said about having closure but you know what i don't need one

[lhn]

Talking at work was tough. The first couple of weeks I grovelled all day everyday trying to convince her that we were great together... so naive
Basically, for the first 4-5 weeks I would sometimes have to leave the office because I kept breaking down. It was excrutiating.

Then for the last 2months+ its been all over the place. I found Mondays the worst days by far because I knew she had spent the weekend with another man. They still suck for me! We constantly flipped between talking / messaging @ work to not talking at all. At one stage our boss had a word with us!!!

The fact you are hiding your heartbreak means you are definately dealing with your situation better than I ever have. I was the absolute worst 'ex' ever in terms of grovelling/begging/contacting her non-stop etc etc. Literally, you could write down a list of everything you shouldn't do and I did it all.

This was the first time I've been dumped... it's a rough ride.

I just wanna try to help people as much as possible by being on this forum. I'm glad I found it, it helped me in lots of ways.

smile4you... hang on in there. You sound like you're doing a great job. Keep coming on here as it helps and feel free to ask anything you want and I'll try to help... as will everyone else.

[Chazza2k]

I cannot imagine the pain Lhn of seeing her everyday in work, I know the economy is in terrible shape but did you consider another job or perhaps transfering to a different office? Then again that may feel like giving in too her and be like her getting one over on you as you run.

I know how I feel when I see My Ex, feels like your about to fall apart and seeing her with the new guy is even worse. To do that for 4-5weeks must be agonising and I think you got some resolve Lhn!

Being by yourself definitely prepares you better for the next relationship. You learn so much about yourself and how to improve yourself. You end up realising that the next relationship you have will be much better because you simply wont take anything for granted and will try your upmost to not make the same mistakes again...

Definantly, I lost track of how many times I said "If only I knew then what I do now! beating myself up all the time. Like you this is first time I was dumped and I made so many mistakes through naiveity it was inevitable. I know this is how we learn and adapt. Nothing focus's the mind like this kind of pain and realising that so much of it was my own fault makes it all so much worse. I want to apologise and make her understand but I know thats pointless now as its just too late in the day. So many regrets that I want to resolve but I know I cannot. Theres still some huge part of me that wants her so much to make up for all I got wrong! Why didnt I do this when she gave me the chance too? I left it all go too long and alienated her. Learned the lesson too late.

[lhn]

I cannot imagine the pain Ihn of seeing her everyday in work, I know the economy is in terrible shape but did you consider another job or perhaps transfering to a different office?

Unfortunately I can't. I work in a well paid admin job which I need to pay my rent / bills / food and will be paying for a degree in the new year. I don't have any choice but to stay unless I suddenly find an unrecognised ability to play Premier League football.
And there are no other offices. Theres only 6 of us.

I know how I feel when I see My Ex, feels like your about to fall apart and seeing her with the new guy is even worse. To do that for 4-5weeks must be agonising and I think you got some resolve Ihn!

I've done it for over 3 months now. Horrible. "Don't dip your pen in the company ink" seems very relevant lol.

Definantly, I lost track of how many times I said "If only I knew then what I do now! beating myself up all the time. Like you this is first time I was dumped and I made so many mistakes through naiveity it was inevitable. I know this is how we learn and adapt. Nothing focus's the mind like this kind of pain and realising that so much of it was my own fault makes it all so much worse. I want to apologise and make her understand but I know thats pointless now as its just too late in the day. So many regrets that I want to resolve but I know I cannot. Theres still some huge part of me that wants her so much to make up for all I got wrong! Why didnt I do this when she gave me the chance too? I left it all go too long and alienated her. Learned the lesson too late.

I could have written that. Its awful. So many lessons learnt it makes you sick to think if you could just have your opportunity back.

[lhn]

Thanks Ihn. I assure you im not dealing with it any better than you. Im just that type of person who doesnt like to show weakness.

Good Luck, I know we will all have our happy ending one day.

Not showing weakness helps and I wish I had done it from the start. You may feel helpless but you're doing everything right. Keep it up.

PS EVERYONE... It's 'Lhn' not Ihn lol

[ricerocket1]

LHN, atleast your being true to how you feel...it's not about showing weakness either but yea sometimes you have to show a front to someone that you are better...believing is the first step! im sorry to ask but do you know what you want now? and what kind of changes have you done to yourself for the better? my x pretty much broke it off with me because i wasn't good enough sounds weird but that's her excuse and ever since then im so motivated to change for the better for myself and ive kept a list of the things i improved upon myself...i know im making a great stride and i feel a lot better everyday...set up some short term goals for yourself either mentally or physically...so atleast you feel some sort of accomplishment

[lhn]

Ricerocket1... thanks for replying.
My whole life perspective has changed in more ways than is possible to explain. I suppose people who have been through something similar are the only ones who can understand, if that makes sense.
Its led to me going out to meet more people. I got a part-time job in a bar. I'm going to be pursuing a teaching career in the new year and most importantly, I've maturely hugely when it comes to relationships. I really have evolved on so many levels.
I guess from what you've said that the same thing happened to you?

[ricerocket1]

yea same thing happened to me...and its very recent aswell...like i said she ended it because i wasn't "good enough" it sucks that someone you truly cared for and loved and they say that to you...sometimes i think about if everything we had was just make believe...but im moving forward...there's 2 things you can do in a situation like this either sulk moan and watch everything pass you by or dust yourself up and keep it movin...i wasn't thinking like this a month ago and i never thought that i would feel like this but its for the better, it just sucks that everyone you talk to saying the same thing to you that i should work it out with her but you know what i don't think i should, if she wants me she knows where to find me...keep your head up my dude

[lhn]

Just be grateful that you didn't have to watch your ex go on dates with someone you know. Cos thats what mine did after 1 week of us being apart.
Sickening!