2 Months on... My Story and hoping to help others

[cmacattack1]

Luke, I can't imagine having to work with her every day. I guess I understand why.

That's really sad that it had to come to this for you to officially begin healing. You are burning this bridge to help you and if this was your only option you had no choice. It didn't have to be like this though. I honestly wish you have made more of an effort to do things to make you happy and more of an effort to understand and engrain in your head all the important lessons here. I think that would have truly helped you and avoid a final showdown after four months of agony. Sucking it up and not letting her know it hurts you any more (even if it's obvious that it is) is the most toughness you can show somebody. Most importantly, doing this brought you the farthest away from what you wanted: her. I don't think attempting to be friends helped and you have to not be friends if you want things to work in the future so I guess it was a good thing in some ways. I know you thought that she would never want to come back to you but we can't predict the future. Seeing you like this after 4 months probably didn't help though.

I ultimately hope this got you what you wanted.

[lhn]

Lessons learnt... jeez, that one could go on forever.
My previous mistakes... that could also go on forever. Actually, a lot of it has been covered in your posts about your own situation. Your recent post in the 'post here instead of contacting your ex' said a alot for me too.
Selfishness; taking what you have for granted; putting in less effort than them... all of them are ditto for me too.

I could go on but I sit here very very humbled by the whole thing. Still in a lot of pain but I've grown accustomed to it now. Hoping to remove myself from this pit of sorrow sooner rather than later.

Cliché's are annoyingly accurate!!!

[ricerocket1]

im glad that we are all moving on..even though its rough right now but knowing that someone is going through what your going through makes it easier...as for me it's been 3 months and counting...thinking about her is becoming less and less and...some of my friends saw her with a date and lets just say it was a downgrade and she packed a couple of pounds...now granted i always loved her for who she was but hearing this made me feel good inside...hope everyone is having a good year!

[thewhiterabbit]

wow reading this made me tear up. really hit home. guess I should take your advice

[SamFrmMelbourne]

Guys, I'm heartbroken too because my ex is now with someone else. Yesterday before I left to work, I read this thread and it gave me strength. Knowing I'm not the only person making such a big mistake helps.

I'm happy that we're all moving on and becoming wiser because of our experience. We learn the most when we're being taught the hardest lesson. We are survivors of our own flaws.

Thanks for the inspiration!

[lhn]

I'm glad this thread is helping people, I tried to put things in perspective and tried to uncomplicate things. I'm sorry you are all going through such hard times, I feel like I've gotten to know some of you.

Grieve does weird & wondeeful things sometimes. This forum shows what its like when people unite to help one another (too soppy? lol...)

@ thewhiterabbit - I'm touched that it hit home so hard. Please know that the advice I gave was only from my own experience with my own ex and based off of my own actions.
People do make up and get back together and live happily ever after, it's just so rare. And that sucks.
I was a person who took for granted what they had and then paid the ultimate price. If I can help even one person from making my mistakes then I'll sleep a little easier.

@ SamFrmMelbourne... hang in there mate. I'm glad it inspired you reading this thread. It's meant to.

Lots and lots of people on this forum will readily help all of you through your heartbreaks. Those same people helped me. Cmac, Chazza, Shheadz, LB and lots of others.

[cmacattack1]

Sorry if my last post was rough. I just wish there was something that could be done to really shake you out of this. I know you can't help how you feel and you are going to continue to care for her. I almost feel guilty because of how much better I feel about my ex in comparison with you. Then again, you have to see her everyday. Who knows how I would be in that situation. I just want things to improve for you because I know you are a great person with alot going for you and have self worth and deserve good things. I want to see you get out there and be with somebody else and take you out of this black hole you are currently in.

That would really make my day. Do it for me.

[lhn]

Thanks cmac... I'm nearly out the other side, trust me.
I have a few things which I bare in mind for those moments of weakness. I remember that she doesn't ever want to have kids... something i cannot commit to, not whilst I'm still unsure.
I remember she didn't make me feel secure. She is a trained sports masseure and would give her ex boyfriends massages... is it me or is that something you shouldn't be doing?! Perhaps I'm being over sensitive?!
I remember her priority list was:
1. Her
2. The gym
3. Me

etc etc

Just wish I didn't have to work with her anymore. The realisation that things will never be back to how they were is a harsh one, but necessary.

[cmacattack1]

I understand that you have come a long way and learned alot along the way. It's difficult to see you over these last few months to flip flop between hot and cold with her, with trying to be friends when you clearly cannot be, and I read that you relapsed and sent her a text. It doesn't really help you in terms of her but as you know by now that you've already come to accept that it's slim to none.

As for not ever wanting to have kids, people change their minds all the time. That's why I hate when people are so definative and firm when they say "Never". Right now you don't, but I bet you when you reach a certain age, and do some thinking, you might change your mind.

As for giving her ex boyfriend massages....aaaahh that's a little on the borderline. Do you know the details of their relationship (is it mutual, do they just want to be friends)? Is that her job and do you trust her? I have to tell you though, if they are really into you, they would more than likely try to put their effort into your relationship instead of hanging with their ex. Not saying you would have to blow up at her and get really angry, but I don't think it's wrong to question it.

And well, I hate to agree with her on one thing, but putting herself at the top of her priority list is more or less what we should all do because after all we can't rely on our partner for everything. Especially if our relationship is getting in the way of us moving forward and succeeding (i.e. establishing that independance and to be able to stand on two feet). That's why so many relationships are tumultous through the teen and twenties years, we are all still trying to figure it all out. Love isn't logical, but for it to work, everything else around us has to make sense. You know what I mean?

When she started putting the gym at number two, I guess I can see why you are concerned and your fears were confirmed when she started dating her personal trainer. By then things were already on the outs, and I think she was probably losing interest in this also. Sorry man, it's not entirely your fault and you know this.

I've done alot of realizing on my relationship as well. When I first started dating her, I came out the gate with lots of nice things, nice texts, doing everything to make her number one and she loved it. When I started slowing down on that and focusing more on getting my life back in order, she got kind of concerned but I explained that to her I need to keep balance and she understood. Until I spent all my free time playing video games, and spending money on lottery tickets when I could be seeing her, hanging out with her, saving money to do things with her (we were at a distance by this time). I made her feel less like a priority and it sucked for her because our relationship was at the top of her list.

I did enjoy full trust in her, she would be asked out literally once a week by guys and she shot them all down. I ignored the signs though. She would start to say things like "I used to see hot guys and saw them as potential guys. Now I don't." as if she was trying to prove to me that she didn't look at them. We all know my stance on proving things. She had an ex boyfriend stalk her and show up at her house and she didn't tell me for a month or when I was with her and he kept texting her all night and her response to me saying "Why the hell is he doing this?" was "It's actually nice to have somebody thinking about me", and I let it slide with minimal anger. Attention whore, sure, but the signs are there. Lesson is stay vigilant and keep the consistant work up. Even when you give it as much as you can, it might not work out, but it certainly will have the potential to and you won't ever have to look back and have regret for what you could have done better.

[lhn]

I'm glad you have made so much progress since your split. Perhaps a thread updating us on your experience and what not, would be helpful for those who are beginning their healing process.

RE: the priority list. I only listed it to show 'gym' above me... there are other things too but it doesn't matter anymore. Point is, I've changed and when I start a new relationship you can be damn sure that I wont be on here posting the same mistakes if it doesn't work out.

[lhn]

Well... 5 month's on and have been NC since beginning of Jan.
Its taken this long for an apoligy:
"For what it's worth, and i don't even know if it worth anything anymore, i do regret that I’ve destroyed our friendship. i do think of all the good times and there really were a lot. You were probably one of the greatest friends I’ve had and i do miss that. i am also aware that i have burned my bridges but i just wanted you to know."

Interestingly referred to as a "friend" rather than "boyfriend" but whatever. Certainly not gunna spend any time reading into it.

I didn't reply...

[Gigabitch]

I didn't reply...

Good. That sounded more like a baited line than an actual apology. She's still trying to elicit some response from you. I wish she would stop that. It's unkind.

[ricerocket1]

good job man, atleast she apoligize ha ha ha.

[lhn]

Well I've woken up in a crappy mood which hasn't been helped by a crappy cold I seem to have picked up over the weekend.

I'm glad I didn't reply. It wouldn't change or help anything anyway. She still lied and nothing can change the past.

Hate being in this part of the forum again..

[lhn]

Just venting:

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I was doing fine!