Relationship trouble at work. Need some advice? Please Help!

[Malika]

I'm 22 and a (newbie) manager of a medium retail shop. I work with this guy, aged 28, and at first was he was really sweet and helpful but recently has turned really spiteful. I would really like some advice on how to remedy this situation. I've done a brief background on what happened in the past (apologies if too long).

I got transferred to this store 5 months ago. This guy was lovely and really charming. We flirted with each other almost always and it seemed to increase in intensity and volume over time. There was definitely an attraction. Soon after joining the store I was entered into a management training programme (something he has been trying to get onto for years).

We continued to flirt with each other for months after and then ended up making out more than a few times. The bad part at the time was that he was already in a long term relationship and as a result of the kisses had a battle of conscience. He said he really enjoyed spending time/kissing me but because of his girlfriend we both mutually decided to stop before it went too far. He said that he wants boundaries and that the 'flirting' was just a game and he never truly believed that I would take it that far (at this point alarm bells should have rang since I was confused as to why he was placing all the blame on me but I shrugged it off). At work I pretended everything was fine but inside I was hurting like mad (I really liked him). Part of my new job role was to start managing but he resisted. He stopped talking to me over the tiniest and silliest issues and avoided me. I thought his behaviour was fair so I kept my distance. He began to talk about his girlfriend a lot more around me - directly or indirectly - before when we were flirty he never mentioned her. He keeps bringing her into work parading her around. Eventually after he found it in his heart to forgive me for those silly misgivings he started flirting again but always seems to lash out when he disagrees. Recently, his bizarre behaviour has attracted attention form senior management. They have warned him to stop lashing out aggressively which appears to have worked.

However, when we are alone he still comes on to me and I remind him of the 'boundaries' he wanted between us. Other guys flirt with me and he asks why they can do but he cant. He always states that if didn’t have a girlfriend or if we had known each other sooner we would be an item. Further to this, although his charm is very seductive, there are sinister undercurrents full of spite.

He is very critical over my managing style claiming he can do better and hints that I'm worthless and pathetic and he the one saving my ass all the time. He calls me nasty derogatory names but twists it into a joke. When with a group of guys makes obscene sexual references towards me. He says I'm ugly and disgusting and laughs out loud when someone compliments me the turns to me and says 'sorry but that was funny'. He turns our arguments upside down to ALWAYS be my fault and implies I made him behave in a way that gets him seen negatively. Recently, He has threatened to follow me home (even though he knows exactly where I live) and punch, rape, or stab me but again twists it into a joke. He also loves describing how much more stronger he is over me (loves to show it too by having 'play' fights where he forces me into a position where I beg him to stop and then apologises profusely if I got hurt) He enjoys describing what he believes my reactions will be like after he has punched, rapped, and stabbed me ie. crying, whimpering, dazed, confused etc.

When with a crowd of people he hardly even notices my presence. He try's to get away from me or act up in a way that proves I'm really the bad person.

I'm really worried. I don’t understand how I upset him so much since he was the one who ended whatever it was that was going on. In fact I dont understand any part of his behaviour/actions.

Any advice on how to deal with it directly rather than taking it through official work channels. I really don't want my line manager to know but seems to be getting to a stage where eyebrows are raising and suspicions are rising.

Thanks.

[Bumble_bee]

oh my, that is a horrible situation to be in, this guy sounds like a total nutcase.....

Do you have witnesses to his behaviour?

[Malika]

Hiya...

Only to when he shouted at me and refused to do anything I asked. Those people told senior management because I refused too (obviously knowing what happened in private plus thinking I could control/fix it). Since he was told to stop he been really nice but the spite comes through. One time he said 'Im only being nice to you because If I dont I'll get the sack' only to say a few days later 'Your lovely and one of my closet friends'.... I dont get it.

[Bumble_bee]

what worries me most about your post is the threats he makes (especially the folllow you home one) which he the takes back as a joke......
wtf...is he shchizo?

another thing is to make sure you do not show him that you are intimidated ....again his comments about his apparent 'power' over you make me think he is definately playing a sick game with you, show him that you are not going to let him put the frightners on you.

make people aware of whats going on, he sounds very manipulative, and I imagine if things do get worse, he will try to make out that it is you who is infatuated with him or something along those lines (his ass is covered somewhat with the 'girlfriend')

there must be someone in your workplace who has noticed his behaviour towards you, and may be able to vouch for you should you decide to take this matter up with senior management. If you do take this action, make sure you got friend or 2 to come get you after work for a while.....

[Malika]

Hiya, thanks for the advice.

The threats are a recent thing. I dont get why he would make such threats especially since he put a stop to everythingl?? ...

I think he just trying to scare me and plans to do nothing. Then again, I dont know. I'm so confused.... I'm afraid to tell people because a. close friends and family will worry and b. people at work are closer to him than me. I've heard alot of gossip where people are saying theres alot of sexual tension between us. I told them this is not true but he doesnt correct anyone instead remains quiet. Almost as though he is entertaining the idea in his head just like the threats, yet - He very sensitive over people seeing us together. I have a feeling he spread some gossip about me because certain people behave differently around me (maybe I'm being paranoid).

How would I show him I'm not intimidated? (sounds like a silly question I know). So far I have ignored or played into the so called 'joke'.

Plus, if he is playing a 'game', to what end? Do you think this is some sort of punishment?

[Heratriumphant]

Can't you just fire him? Or carry a voice activated recorder and catch some of his threats and play them for the brass.

This is not shit to play around with. This guy is displaying a violent and abusive personality. You should take it seriously.

[rasd123]

Thanks to share this information.

[Primo]

What was it you saw in him again?

He sounds like an idiot and probably a punk too. The next time he gets mouthy tell him you feel guilty and need to come clean about your past relationship with him to his girlfriend...or go down to the gym and pay the biggest dude there $100 to be your new friend and come by work to give him a nice stare down...that should fix it too.

I'm only suggesting those options because there's an underlying current to what you posted that you still have feelings for him...if you don't and feel threatened then of course, you HAVE to file a police report, understand?

And I'm not talking about something they're going to investigate, make a big scene and an arrest etc...but they'll do an information report. If you're being threatened you need to start documenting it.

Be smart...and safe, ok?