Trust and jealousy troubles

[TheBlackFlux]

This is a continuation of a "Jealousy issues" thread in Personal Development forum here...

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/personal-development-forum/35728-jealousy-issues.html[/url]

Wow, I must have been having one of the "low self-confidence level period"-s also when writing that one :O Here goes the whole story:



We have had a huge fight with my gf of 1 year this summer. She was pretty often hanging with one guy, who had a huge crush on her. We both knew this, but she just happened to continue meeting him (he was a schoolmate - she went out often with schoolmates) and I thought, that I was just paranoid and could have trusted her.

Then we both went on one event, a summer festival. The guy refused to acquaint with me. Childish, but w/e. Then my gf totally let me down. She also refused to let me hang out with any of her schoolmates, because the guy was with them and she said it would be "absolutely awkward". She had split her time between me and him and I saw them two hugging very closely on one moment.

/We got together pretty much similar way. It was a mistake of me and I've regretted that often even before this situation (ofc. it was stupid thing to do back then). We didn't kiss or anything until 2 months after she broke up with her bf she had back then, yet our meetings while she was still taken were dates, or, beyond the pale anyway./

Few days afterward I told her, that my patience and trust are completely out and that we're breaking up, if she isn't going to stop meeting him. I was going to take trip over the ocean for three weeks few days after the festival, so it's understandable, that I wouldn't want any of these nerves, and I'm no doormat either, wth. Also I can't tell, but the relationship could have been over, because her character had been changing for over 3 moths by then, which I was closing my eyes upon.

Upon confronting, she first tried to not tell me the whole truth, then later admitted everything I wrote down here and promised me to change herself. (which is a good thing, she'd be like 2 levels less mature than now, had she not changed.) She did mention, that there was "a sparkle between them all the time" and that she just "couldn't refuse the guy all the meetings and the hugging etc., because he was close to her (the word in my language conveys it as - in an emotional way)" and also, that "she was at times attracted to him physically". I said, that unless she stops meeting the guy for the rest of the summer (as he is her schoolmate, she can't do that longer), we'll break up (because she really wanted to stay with me), because I've had really enough of this, and some other things.

Then, 3 weeks passed and I came back from USA. They hadn't met, or so she told me and I rather believed that, because she was back to her normal self. We had a really beautiful month then, because I have calmed after my freak out and continued to have deep feelings for her.

And now jump to the present:
She still wants to go out with her schoolmates from time to time, and I've said, that I'd like to get to know them, because otherwise it's understandable, that I'm going to be nervous. She said, it would be downright weird, because she can't picture me next to her schoolmates. She said, they are just a shallow friends to her and contined to say, how they are not intelligent etc. /she has been telling this all the time, even prior to the festival in summer, but all in all it seems little contradictory to me.../ We've had one dialogue, while little drunk, when she said, that she wanted to hang out with her friends, but she was afraid of my reaction. Now this is something I didn't want at all and saw our ways go in different directions after all - I didn't want to control her!!!

We've sat down and talked afterwards I and asked whether our relationship is going somewhere, if we're going to make each other unhappy. She absolutely denied that and said, that she can omit all of them and that they don't mean nothing to her. I was surprised and said, that's not necessary, but she has to acquaint us, because I'd be just nervous all the time, if she's going to be with the lot, because of all the reasons. She reluctantly agreed and we're not talking of the subject if we can ever since.

Thing is she has also been mentioning many times, that they hang out after they come out of school. She has also some activities beside school, like dance school, where they all go (including the guy) and - she has also arranged one meeting lately, where I couldn't have gone, because I was on one event. (they alway drink on these "meetings", so...)

She has told me about that meeting they had, but I just don't know, if I am just an insecure, controlling egomaniac, or what. I'm sometimes afraid - did they have a good day now? Was there some sparkle, won't she decide in the moment, that she'll leave me? And when she arranges meeting, that she's sure as hell I can't come to and so on, I'm puzzled.

And then I'm forced to not take our relationship seriously, or I'd gone mad. And I have hard time being really spontaneous and joyful around her, when I've been in this kind of bad mood. Some other times, it's no problem and we both have a really nice time. Then I get these moods, either agressive, or sad and see myself as either used doormat, or a controlling, jealous idiot, though I can't really say I know, what do I think of myself anymore.

We have had a really nice relationship up to this point whenever we didn't fight and also, one friend of mine said, that in the summer, she was really carried away when I left and that I shouldn't have doubts, because the girl loves me. It was also my decision to try to endure these moods, because I have a problem with them anyway, so I'm completely lost in looking at the problem objectively.

We're 18 and 16.

Thanks for advices... what should I do at all?

[damn2008]

Ok, you're going to hear the usual "you both are young" from me. It's typical that things are going to attract your attention and spur you away. Girls will get attention from guys and everything and they'll love it.

The more jealous and insecure you are, the more you will push her away. You have to not only let her know that she is disrespecting you by doing this (seeing someone who has feelings for her) but you also have to make moves to show her that you will not let it affect you. Do amazing things with her, show her a good time, show her that you're worth more than any "sparkle".

If she progresses, then just let her go. Be with someone who will appreciate and respect you and your relationship. Or at least take it seriously.

[TheBlackFlux]

Thanks for your words

She is causing all of this herself, I can't see any other way. I don't see why she can't either take me out to hang with them and let the guy go rage somewhere. She is totally not making me feel appreciated, if feelings of this guy are more important to her and if she is willing to play these stupid mind games all the time. It's been unsolved like this for long time enough and I'm hanging in uncertainty.

Yet she says to me, that she suffers depressions, when home and alone. While I couldn't imagine not to support her, yet there is also this notion in me, that she's an emotional mess herself.

I seem strangled - I can't take any actions to solve the problem. She won't take them. She is unhappy outside our relationship, or so she tells. I am being extremely ambivalent, caring and supportive and thankful for her as well as confused and annoyed while inside the relationship.

If I break it, I feel, like everyone will totally crush me as an ignorant, insecure idiot, because everyone adores our relationship. That I ended it for no real reason. That I am an total, insecure jerk, that doesn't see, what much does she do to me. That I don't see, how I made her happy and that she has crappy schoolmates and now she's going to be recovering very long time. I don't know, whether I should talk about this with more friends, or what. But it I do feel invisible pressure to mantain this. Tell me if I'm egoistic. I don't know.

If I do not break it, I'm gonna go along with all of this childish stuff. I totally do not understand her, she is intelligent, so why does she let herself being drawn into this pile of shit? (this is the major thing I don't understand and which my friend, to whom I've confessed this, said too)

Oh well, I am now on my angry side :O I need to get some control. It seems like a high time for a talk with my girfriend...

Has anyone had experiences or feels like advicing me in this? I feel lost. After all she's the single person I ever got on so much in my life. :/