Worrying constantly ...please help!

[Whiteknight]

I have been going out with a girl I really like for the past month. Things have been great, we have lots in common and enjoy each other's company. She's a quiet, shy person, quite guarded initially, but over a few weeks time has warmed up and even started initiating asking me out.

This weekend, we had a wonderful date. And then it hit.

She asked what I wanted for us, and then said she had something to tell me. THe mood was still happy and smiling.

so I said, straight from my heart, that I wanted us to be together.

She replied that we can work out, she has feelings for me, but that she will need a little time.


She went on to talk about a recent bad breakup in her life and got quite emotional. I didn't say much, I was just silently listening and supporting.
She kept asking me if her past bothers me. I said of course not. She then kept on saying how bad the mistakes were and basically beating herself for them.

Anyways, there was a lot of awkward silence from this point on and I really don't know how our relationship stands!!!

She hasn't contacted me since then, which is strange becuase she normally does (even a short text).
....

Yesterday, I asked her out to a coffee shop and talked in the afternoon... She seemed pretty happy, we had a good time. Better than I expected. Needless to say, we didnt even touch her confession.

However...
I felt she seemed slightly less affectionate than before (as in hand holding, etc).

we texted a little after that. I noticed the texts were still a little bit cold.

I have a feeling I have to initiate more for the time being.

How come things are not as good as say last week before this whole mess happned? Will things return to previous levels? How do I get her to initiate more?

Does she need more time?

Please help!!! Thanks!!

[wizduels]

i'll give you the basics:

women are emotional and reactive. if you want a relationship with this woman you are going to have to be pro-active. period. women for the most part do not initiate relationships. so how do you pursue a relationship with this woman?

all relationships go through 3 stages in the following order:

1. attraction
2. comfort
3. seduction

THE ATTRACTION STAGE
being attractive to a woman has less to do with how you look and a lot more to do with how you behave. woman in general will feel attracted to men that display 3 basic attributes:

1. a man that is confident
2. a man that is seen as a protector of / provider for loved ones
3. a man that has other females in his life

you must figure out a way to put these 3 attributes on display to her by your behaviour in a way that seems NATURAL and not contrived. if you do it correctly she will indicate her interest in you with behaviour like the flipping of the hair, laughing at your jokes, making eye contact, standing a little closer to you, and other marginally flirtateous behaviour.

THE COMFORT STAGE
once she starts to display this type of behaviour you will want to engage in non-sexual, lightly flirtateous touch, playfull and kidding like, mean to be fun. things like light arm-punching, high fives, hip bumps, wrapping your arm around her neck in a 'just kidding' playfull sort of way, etc. get creative. but it must be non-sexual. you must also initiate the touch for only a couple of seconds then release it. it gives enough time for her to enjoy the touch, but not enough time for her to object to it. and the touch is gone before she wants it to be gone, leaving her wanting the next contact and welcoming it. as you continue to become successfull with it, you can escalate the touch to things like sitting next to each other in social settings, hugs, hand holding, playfull wrestling etc.

the whole idea at this point is to help her feel comfortable spending time with you but also feeling comfortable and accepting of your touch in general.

THE SEDUCTION STAGE
sooner or later you will be able to tell when the time is right to kiss her. there is no easy way around it, you just have to go for it. generally speaking if she is comfortable around you when you two are alone and you can hold hands, hug etc, your pretty safe to kiss her and not get slapped as long as it's in a semi-private location. don't kiss too long on the first kiss. continue dating while touching / kissing and getting to know each other. if you are old enough (i can't condone minors having sex) you will have to eventually have sex with her if you want more than just a friendship. generally speaking it takes on average about 7 to 10 hours spent together (cumulative either all at once or over the course of several dates) for a woman to to feel ready for sex with you assuming things have gone well up to this point. anything past 15 hours and you are in serious danger of falling into the 'friend zone' so you will have to make sexual advances on her in a private location before that. too soon and she won't be comfortable with it. if you act at the right time, she will probably like you enough to be open to starting a sexual relationship with you.

once the both of you are spending time together and having sex as well, you are pretty much in a relationship at that point even if it has not been defined between the two of you, unless of course you are dealing with a total slut. as for defining the relationship, never question her about it. let her bring it up. she will bring it up when the time suits her. anytime you try to get commitment from someone it only makes them feel like they are pressed into a corner and their first thought will be to escape the situation and you will lose her because she will start to feel pressured and smothered.

i could go on and on about relationships but i hope just this much helps. good luck.

[girl68]

Yes DUH!

She had to ask you if you were okay with her past and you said "yes". Even though in your head you're there for her and all supportive and shit. You sure didn't ACT like it.

She's cold, unaffectionate and not talkative because she's still nervous about how you reacted to her confession. You didn't hold her hand and tell her everything is going to be okay, that you're there for her, you very much like her, you're excited to be with her. She wanted all that, and some more sweet nothing instead she got awkard silence.

It's like she just spilled her deep, dark secrets to you and you didn't do anything to comfort her. At least that's how I think it happened.

Make up for it and fast.

[Nehaa]

Hello,

WOW! this sounds something very similar to what I went rhough just this tuesday. I spilled my heart out to this guy. And All he did was listen.. and he held me letting me know that all of what i said doesnt chenge the way he feels about me. and that he loves me. So I agree with girl68.. Make up for it now! =)

If there was an akward silence between him and I, well lets just say we wouldnt have had coffee.

you can make it work.

[Heratriumphant]

Listen to Girl68.

[girl68]

So, did you make up for it yet? If so, how?

[doppelgaenger]

A tip for you: don't continue seeing someone if they try to drown you with their breakup drama.